Tag Archives: school

The Graduation Speech I Didn’t Get to Say

19 Jun

Good morning. Before I get into my speech, I’ve been asked to make a few announcements. Due to the heat, all graduates are advised to be completely naked under their robes to help them stay cool. It’s the first all-commando graduation in history. Also, please keep a close eye on our elderly guests and make sure they avoid heat exhaustion. We know it’s annoying having them around your house, but it will be more annoying to have them to carry them back to the car after this. Just keep them in the shade. Lastly, please be sure to hydrate today. If you run out of water, you can refill your bottle underneath my mother’s eyes at any time during the ceremony.

Now, onto the speech. I’d like to thank my classmates, my family, and a Buzzfeed listicle called “19 Things to Say In Your Graduation Speech” for inspiring me. This is what I want to say you today: Dream big. Seize every opportunity that comes your way. Dare to be different. Thank you very much and congratulations to the Class of 2015!

But, in all honestly, I consider myself privileged to be a part of this graduating class. We’re so much better than all the other graduating classes, which are full of good-for-nothing losers. This grade has really grown up together. The Class of 2015 was the first grade in anyone’s memory to have a food fight at Saxe. And then we did it again the next year. We were just running up the score. In high school, we did lots of group projects and things to try and teach us how to work together. But we had already gotten 320 seventh graders to throw a burrito at the exact same time. There was nothing left to learn at that point.

People were really scared of how we were going to behave in high school. So scared in fact, that the principal ran away. And then his replacement could only take three years of us! However, the Class of 2015 has proven itself to be a mature, intelligent, and diverse group of people. Among our midsts are accomplished musicians, brilliant artists, champion athletes, groundbreaking scientists, and people that get invited to lots of parties. We have strong bonds that have been forged by the trials of high school. We got through the SAT without losing our minds. We got through Outback raves without losing our dignity. We got through this last month of school without losing our college acceptances. Ideally, one of you will be so successful that I can say I knew you in high school, which will make a wonderful conversation starter. Until that happens, enjoy yourself and keep in touch with your friends. At least that’s what Buzzfeed told me to tell you.

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The Lighter Side of the Moon Guide to College Essays

25 Jun

As school ends and summer begins, the cold shackles of academia are finally loosened as students are released into eight weeks of pure fun in the sun. Except for juniors. For the most industrious eleventh graders, summer means the time to start working on college essays in advance of application deadlines in the fall. As a service to you, the readers, I am happy to offer my advice on this process for the low, low price of absolutely free. Tips are always encouraged.

Picking a Topic

A great topic is the foundation for a great essay. Make sure to pick an experience that was of immense importance to you and is unique to your life. Did you suffer through a debilitating illness? Milk it. Have you endured a significant emotional trauma? That’s a goldmine. If you’ve been unfortunate enough to have no such tragic experiences, I personally recommend writing about your own birth. You’d be hard pressed to find something that affected your life more than being born.

Openers

Everybody knows you have to kick off an essay with an exciting and inviting hook. You need to start your essay with something unique that gets your point across: Admit me. Consider using statistics like how many days you have been alive or the percentage of your soul you sold during this process. Some people have found success with the Merriam-Webster opener, in which you give the dictionary definition of important words like “admitted” or “college”. However, I would caution against using a quote from an important author or celebrity as it sends the message that you don’t have enough original ides of your own. Putting your own name on the quote is a really quick fix.

Writing the Essay 

Writing the college essay is actually quite simple once you sit down to do it. First, figure out what language you’re going to write in. If you write in something other than English, odds are nobody will be able to read it. But if your essay sucks, this may not be the worst thing. Next, write down some nouns. Almost every college essay has nouns in it and those in the know will tell you that an essay without nouns is very rarely successful. But, you won’t get by on just nouns alone. If you really want a standout piece of writing, toss in some adjectives. But don’t go overboard with the words. Many students often try to include verbs in their essays, but that’s a very risky move as verbs are one of the most challenging types of words. Sprinkle some punctuation throughout all of these other words, and you’ve got a great essay.

Fonts

The font you choose is probably more important than whatever you write. Think about the best books ever written and their typefaces. Huckleberry Finn?  That’s Times New Roman. To Kill a Mockingbird? Times New Roman. The Bible?  Times New Roman probably. If that’s not a great tip, I don’t know what is.

Phrases to Avoid

There are some words and phrases that, no matter what, you shouldn’t use in your essay. Here’s some examples:

  • I’m not racist, but…
  • I don’t really believe in college.
  • I’m not a huge fan of diversity on campus
  • My haters are my motivators.
  • 😉
  • I hope your college has a white rights club.
  • Ask not what your college can teach me, but what I can teach you.
  • My best feature is my body.

Example

I’ve suffered a lot in my life. My dog has canine diabetes. My dad is not very smart. I have mild night terrors. The moral of the story is this: Admit me. I remember my own birth very vividly. In many ways, birth is a lot like learning. It’s a long, dark road that leads to a bright end. Your mom is hopefully there to support you the whole way. There are well-educated people whose job it is to help you through the process. In fact, just by being born, I’ve already learned everything there is to know.

Here are some nouns that describe me: Excellence. Science. Skills.

Here are some adjectives: Superb. Academic. Skilled.

Here’s a verb and some punctuation: Succeed..,*//

If I could, I would make this essay in Times New Roman. I’m not racist, but it’s a great font.

 

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Moms Shocked To Learn Prom is Actually Not For Them

1 May

Mothers across the country are in a state of disbelief today after discovering that their children’s proms are actually intended to be enjoyed by their children.

Understandably, mothers were outraged at the news. “Prom was supposed to be the most special night of my life,” said Lindy Wold, a mother of a high school junior. “I just wanted to feel like a princess and live vicariously through my daughter on my own special night. They took that away from me.”

“Getting to put on that beautiful dress and ride in a limo is something we all expect to imagine doing at our daughter’s prom,” Ms. Wold said. “And now I can’t.”

Sheila Diewyncezki, owner of Little Miss Glamorous dress boutique, is concerned about how this sudden realization will affect her business. “I sell a ton of dresses around prom every year,” she said. “Not for the girls, but for their moms to wear in the pictures. I don’t know if I’ll survive this, I really don’t.”

One of the biggest complaints coming from the mothers is that their ability to take pictures will be limited by the changes. Betty Palder bought a new camera for her daugter’s prom. “It’s not just about taking pictures of them all dressed up,” she said. “It’s about documenting the night.”

“I wanted to be there when she got out of the limo,” Ms. Palder said. “I wanted to be there when she had her first dance. When she left the prom. When she succumbed to the influence of peer pressure. I wanted to be there with the camera when she did something she’d certainly regret in the morning. And now they won’t let me.”

This maternal presence has even created a negative influence on teens. “All I really want to do is go to prom, dance a little, then maybe watch a movie with some friends,” junior Willy Placid said. “But because of my mom, now I feel like I have to get in trouble and make mistakes.”

Some experts are saying this development could have widespread ramifications on the whole prom industry. Lydia Von Sluice is one such expert. “We’re seeing kids skip out on the corsage, the boutonniere, all the traditional prom affectations to defy their mothers,” she said. “Surprisingly, it seems like kids don’t really want their moms there with them on prom night.”

“It turns out that kids never really cared about any of it. They were just doing it because their mom said it was what she would do,” she added.

At this stage, it appears the mothers are holding firm on keeping graduation solely for their enjoyment.

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Eggheads

26 Feb

(A teacher is seated at his desk in front of a class. The students prepare to deliver history presentations.)

TEACHER: Thanks for having these presentations ready, guys. I know they seem like a pain now, but they will really help you in life. I promise you that.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconstruction in the Deep South.
TEACHER: It’s so important – sorry to interrupt. It’s so important to be able to speak to your peers like this. It really is.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconstruction in the Deep-
TEACHER: Like, you walk into the teacher’s lounge everyday and that smug geek from the math department’s eating your sandwich again. You need to talk to him and clearly let him know how you feel. That’s why I have you do these speeches.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconst-
TEACHER: He totally knows it’s your sandwich, too! Every day, he just forgets that the egg salad in the Tupperware with my name on it isn’t his. Like who does that?
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main prop-
TEACHER: And you walk in there and he’s standing by the fridge with that smug little grin. He’s got egg salad all around his mouth and he’s just looking at you like he’s got his hand in the cookie in the jar. At that point, in these circumstances, you just need to stand up and say something, am I right? That’s why we do this in class. To prepare for you crap like this.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a ma-
TEACHER: And then the next day, he doesn’t even that audacity to hide the sandwich. He’s parading the egg salad around so everyone can see his conquest. He’s got a mischievous little twinkle in his eye and you walk right up to him and you’re about to give him a piece of your mind, when he just wipes that defiled shell of a sandwich right underneath my nose.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes-
TEACHER: He’s drawing me into the ring. He’s the pauncey matador luring the bull into the ring. But this bull isn’t just going to scratch the dirt and snarl. I came to play.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hay-
TEACHER: I throw the chump against the refrigerator and I start shoving the egg salad into his face. And he’s breaking into a cold sweat and staring into my eyes like they’re two smoking gun barrels. I’m there feeling pure power, every little cog in my toned physique creating me into one massive, pulsing muscle.
STUDENT: Rutherford B-
TEACHER: Looking past his eyes and into his soul, I know that this coward has already surrendered. Silently, he’s telling me, “I always knew it was yours. It was your name on the Tupperware. It was your egg salad.”
STUDENT: Rutherfo-
TEACHER: He has surrendered, but I am merciful. I take my arm off his throat, waving the sandwich in the air as a glorious flag of victory.
STUDENT: Ruthe-
TEACHER: Meanwhile, the entire teaching faculty has gathered around. Inspired by my swift and righteous act of justice, they stand behind me in unwavering support. Breaking the deafening silence, the principal, “Now, tell him off once and for all!”
STUDENT: Ru-
TEACHER: In my mind, I prepare the most elegant, graceful, and passionate piece of oratory this world has ever known. Supreme in its diction, unparalleled in its passion, I bask in the glory of this moment.
STUDENT: (breath)
TEACHER: I steady my breath, plant my feet, and prepare to bring this sad sack to his knees with the thundering force of the spoken word.
STUDENT: So, what’d you end up saying?
TEACHER: Oh, I just walked away. I don’t do well at public speaking.

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Service Club Annual Appeal

17 Feb

Dear Prospective Donor,

As you likely know, the Repairing the World Club at our school sponsors and annual service trip to an area in need. In recent years, our eagerness to serve has carried us to the mucky jungles of Nicaragua, to the barren expanses of Kenya, and even the bracing foothills of Nepal. In all of these places, the value of our efforts could be easily seen in the gracious smiles of those we were helping.

Keeping with tradition, our trip this year will occur in a region of tremendous need. Allow me to paint an image in your mind: The piercing cracks of street violence echo through fetid streets. Mothers cry out  for their children as the innocent youth shriek in anguish. Friends and neighbors spill blood for mere scraps of food, and sometimes resort to consuming each other when there is nothing else to eat. The wounded trample the throats of the fallen as they run toward dusty and crowded hospitals, praying that the untrained doctor’s blades will be swift as he haphazardly amputates. Over this chaotic scene presides a cruel and merciless tyrant who spits in the faces of his subjects from his gilded throne.

Clearly, Toronto has problems too endemic and overgrown for the native people to handle. The Repairing the World Club has to extend a life-rope to those drowning in the cesspool of Toronto with this year’s mission trip. Unfortunately, traveling to this remote and dangerous locale is prohibitively expensive. We require your financial assistance to bring the gift of charity to the Torontonians.

This trip will challenge the integrity of our determination and our capacity for empathy. We do not know how it feels to live and work under the world’s most whimsical mayor. We can not begin to understand the harshness of winter in the most efficient municipality at snow removal. How many tears have been shed in the cleanest city in Canada? How many dreams have been shattered living in America’s hat? How does it feel to pay more for hospital parking than for healthcare?

This year in Toronto, we resolve to make a change. We resolve to to empower, we resolve to engage, and we resolve to resolve. Resolving to resolve cracks in our resolve will resolve things in need of resolving. You too can be a part of this magical giving experience with a check made payable to: “The Repairing the World Club Beer Party/Paintball Retreat Fund”. We thank you in advance for your generosity.

Sincerely,

Alexandra Moraine
Fundraising Chair
Repairing the World Club
Beer Party/Paintball Retreat Committee

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Standardized Jest

9 Dec

(An SAT test writer and his wife are sleeping in their bed. It is 2:30 AM.)

HUSBAND (suddenly): Uh, that’s such a great question.
WIFE (sleepy): Wha-t?
HUSBAND  (frenzied): I just thought of the perfect question. After all these years, I’ve got it.
WIFE: Honey, come back to bed. You can write it down in the morning.
HUSBAND: You don’t understand. This is the question we’ve been dreaming of forever – it seems easy enough when you first look at it but it’s actually impossible. Oh, there’s gonna be so many tears!
WIFE: Honey, that’s cruel. Now go to sleep.
HUSBAND: When Beethoven woke up with a symphony in mind did his wife tell him to go to sleep? She might have, but he couldn’t hear her. And the same goes for Van Gogh – he didn’t have an ear or a wife.
WIFE: You write standardized test questions. Relax.
HUSBAND (mad but meek): You don’t understand. This is the question to triumph all questions. All you need is ninth grade math, but still nobody can finish it!
WIFE: Whatever, just finish up and come back to sleep.
HUSBAND (frenzied): Go back to sleep? I have to call the guys! This is going to keep so many kids out of college. The bosses offered a promotion to whoever could increase the number of sobbing fits and this is just what the doctor ordered.
WIFE: Don’t you ever feel bad about all the stress these kids go through?
HUSBAND (defensive): I like to think we’re testing their academic aptitude and college readiness.
WIFE: Do you really want to make these kids upset? Think back to when you were this age.
HUSBAND (distressed): But, this is my crowning achievement. I did it.
WIFE: But you’ll know you didn’t make some adolescent girl cry on a Saturday morning. Now go to sleep.

(The man lays down and waits for his wife to sleep. He quietly stands up, writes down the question, and basks in its sadistic glow. The warm hug of power has finally overpowered him. Owning the moment, he stands up and declares “Man is the cruelest animal” as he manically cackles himself to sleep.)

 

 

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School Photo Options

11 Sep

Please check the desired bonus packages available for your child’s school picture.

Height increase: Stop the teasing. We’ll cut off the top of the frame to make your child look 3 inches taller.

Digital Diet: If the camera adds 10 pounds, we’ll doctor off 30.

Wallet Thickener: Photo will be taken in burst mode to fill Grandma’s photo accordion.

Bahamian Vacation: Look like you spent the summer in the tropics with a digitally-applied tan. Please select an intensity level: (Subtle / Moderate / Insensitive)

Serial Killer Look: The news media will splash this photo of you all over as your neighbors say you were a great kid and didn’t expect it. This package will add depth and realism with bags under the eyes, increased paleness, and greasy, lifeless hair.

Humorous Web Post: When the MSN front page puts this picture in “14 Celebrity Yearbook Photos that Might Surprise You” it will certainly dazzle. We’ll enhance your blemishes, change your hair color, and add horribly outdated clothes so they can see how far you’ve come.

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New Technique Saves Thousands on College Tuition

29 Jun

With the rising cost of college tuition, it is becoming harder and harder for families to send their kids away for a higher-level education. For that reason, more and more parents are turning towards a homeschool college education. Here is a selection of programming required by the Georgia Organization of Teaching Or Schooling Correctly at Home with On-topic, Open Learning (G.O.T.O.S.C.H.O.O.L.).

Late-Night Intellectual Conversations

Such discussions with peers are absolutely essential components of the college experience. To simulate this experience at home, stay up late with your child between one and three times a month. Fill the room with odorous smoke, and then ask big questions through the haze. What is our country doing overseas? Do we even get to decide what we do in life? What if our whole universe is just one atom in one cell in the big toe of some giant human in another world? Mind. Blown. (And you didn’t even have to poison your child’s religious upbringing by sending him/her to an accredited school.)

Social Interaction

Some say the most important thing one learns at college is how to interact with others. To meet this requirement, purchase a keg of a non-alcoholic beverage once a month. Stand around it and talk about the college experience, taking care to put yourself in their shoes. A sample conversation might go as follows:

PARENT: Woah, college rules, right?
CHILD: I have never had a real friend.
PARENT: Check it out, someone brought a beach ball! College rules!
CHILD: Every night I pray for the courage to run away.

Note: The board initially required an alcoholic beverage to be imbibed, until Georgian homeschoolers protested against requiring families to purchase and use “Satan Juice”.

Health and Nutrition

Sleep-away college offers a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for kids to teach themselves about their body and their needs. To accurately recreate such self-discovery, lock your child in a room with nothing but a crate of PopTarts for one week. This activity can also be counted toward the biology requirement, as it teaches students the importance and value of fiber.

Note: Families can determine sexual health lessons on their own. We’re not going to touch that one.

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In Light of Recent Weather, School District to Close Permanently

11 Feb

ALBANY (Lighter Side of the Moon) – In response to the extreme weather impacting our area recently, the Gloversville, NY school district will be canceling school indefinitely. The decision came early this morning after snow-related closings on Friday and Monday.

“It was the logical choice for the safety of our students,” Superintendent Jocelyn Kent wrote in an e-mail to parents. “With so many storms, it didn’t make sense for us to keep kidding ourselves and pretending school was a possibility anymore.”

The ability of faculty members to get to work was a factor in the decision. “Our bus drivers live farther east and we’ve received word that most of them are buried in their homes,” Kent wrote. “According to my sources, it is unlikely they’ll ever get out of their driveways again.”

High school principal Jim Pecora said they’ve made preparations for Gloversville students once the schools shut down. When asked by a member of the press how former students would earn a living without schooling, he said, “We anticipate employing all of our students as shovelers in the emergency response to future storms.”

Parents and students alike are up in arms about this decision. Matilda Patterson, mother of students in eighth and fifth grades, worried about the emotional implications this will have on our children. “My kids get so excited every time they cancel school,” she said. “Even though they close schools every time it rains these days, they still get a kick out of it. I think the monotony of a permanent closing will bore them.”

Mike Rosco, a high school junior, thinks the school’s administrators may have had ulterior motives in making this decision. “I think they just got sick and tired of waking up early to check the weather,” he said. “We haven’t had a full day of school since Hurricane Irene, so it probably just wasn’t worth it for them to keep going through the motions.”

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Today’s Random Thought

29 Oct

I saw two statuses:

No school tomorrow!
No, school tomorrow!

The importance of punctuation.

 

 

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