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The 5 Best Restaurants in Philadelphia

13 Jun

 

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1. El Juanete

This dingy hole-in-the-wall is considered the most authentic El Salvadorian spot in the city. Chef Rodrigo Carrera, who moonlights as a certified nursing assistant, is so committed to an authentic dining experience that he only serves citizens of El Salvador. Be sure to bring a birth certificate or two forms of government-issued identification when you arrive for your reservation.

 

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2. The Chuck E Cheese on Snyder Avenue

Trust us. Under the direction of new part-time manager Paulette Robinson, this upscale children’s bistro has become one of the hottest in the city. The intimate but refined environment features a lively arcade section and waiters dressed smartly in children’s snot. The upgraded menu includes quinoa-breaded Krazy Nuggets!™ and a Super Sausage Pizzazz Pizza™ baked without love by a Taiwanese man in a massive wood-fired brick hearth.

 

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3. Le Chien Mort

With prices like these, a restaurant better deliver. Thankfully, Le Chien goes above and beyond expectations every time. This rustic French establishment borders on stuffy with its classic decor and persnickety service, but the menu proves inventive time and time again by focusing on just one ingredient: dog meat. St. Bernard Kebabs with Farro Streusel and Doberman pot-au-feu are paired against Jamaican Jerk Cavalier King Charles Spaniel in this landmark tasting menu. Reservations are hard to get and dependent on supply, so follow the ASPCA Facebook page for culling schedules.

 

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4. Fish.

Fish. opened to a slow start two years ago, but has gained critical buzz since changing ownership last fall. Chef Waldo Fritz caused controversy with his concept, which spins the traditional seafood restaurant model on its head. Instead of the customer selecting his meal from the tank, a certified animal psychic will ask the fish which one would like to be eaten to you. This special attention to the ingredients leads to immaculately prepared dishes, assuming a fish deems you worthy of eating it. This reviewer was sadly not selected by any fish or crustaceans and went home hungry.

 

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5. 4631 Chestnut Street

Every once in a while, a restaurant can enter the realm of legend. 4631 Chestnut has done just that in the past two years through their total commitment to atmosphere. Their small street presence in a residential neighborhood makes the restaurant seem like just another family home. Don’t be turned away but the inviting exterior – you must knock to gain entry. A kindly old man will greet you at the door, but any mention of a reservation or fine dining experience will be returned with confusion. Only by saying that you were just in a car accident, are a lost child, or make a compelling pitch as a door-to-door salesman will you be invited inside for a tuna sandwich (prepared tableside). Peerless.

7 Amazing Date Night Recipes You Could Use if You Weren’t So Unappealing

12 Jan

Inviting someone over for a homemade dinner is a bold and romantic move. A delicious dish can win their hearts, but there’s nothing more embarrassing than them not liking your cooking. You will never experience either of these results because you are unlikable and uninteresting and nobody wants to eat dinner with you. Here are 7 easy recipes you can include in your pointless fantasies.

1. Herb Roasted Chicken with Arugula and Cranberry Salad

This is a surprisingly simple recipe, but it takes a fair amount of prep time. But that’s not an issue, because you have lots of free time. Nobody has called to make plans. You don’t have any hobbies. It’s just day in, day out for you.

2. Wild Mushroom and Sherry Risotto

Unusual ingredients will suggest to your date that you have taste and class. Too bad you have neither of those things. You are a slob.

3. Seared Lamb Chops with Roasted Cherry Tomatoes

This savory dish goes great with a nice red wine. That’s pretty convenient considering your evening plans were to drink an entire bottle of red wine alone and fall asleep. Sexy!

4. Peppery Spaghetti Carbonara with Pecorino Romano

Spice up an old classic by substituting parmesan cheese with romano. Will anyone notice this subtle change? Maybe your coworker Jess might when she takes the leftovers you bring for lunch tomorrow. She always steals your food because she knows you don’t stand up for yourself and fear confrontation.

5. Mediterranean Fatoosh with Parsley

This is a flavorful dish that contains no meat and requires little prep work. If you ever meet someone that can look past the darkness in your eyes AND that person is vegetarian, try this recipe. I’m sure you’ll pretend to be vegetarian in a desperate attempt to find something in common with them.

6. Lemon and Mint Braised Chicken with White Beans

Your (non-existent) date will think you’re a master chef. But only you and I know that this recipe can be made by extremely inept people, such as yourself. The fresh mint will keep your breath ready for a little smooching after the meal. I’m sorry, I should not tease you like that. Nobody is kissing your ugly mug no matter what you cook.

7. Brown Butter Scallops for One

It’s not worth pretending anymore. You are alone. Deeply, hopelessly, inexorably alone. The earlier you accept it, the happier you will be. This delightful meal sized for one sad person will help you do that.

The Graduation Speech I Didn’t Get to Say

19 Jun

Good morning. Before I get into my speech, I’ve been asked to make a few announcements. Due to the heat, all graduates are advised to be completely naked under their robes to help them stay cool. It’s the first all-commando graduation in history. Also, please keep a close eye on our elderly guests and make sure they avoid heat exhaustion. We know it’s annoying having them around your house, but it will be more annoying to have them to carry them back to the car after this. Just keep them in the shade. Lastly, please be sure to hydrate today. If you run out of water, you can refill your bottle underneath my mother’s eyes at any time during the ceremony.

Now, onto the speech. I’d like to thank my classmates, my family, and a Buzzfeed listicle called “19 Things to Say In Your Graduation Speech” for inspiring me. This is what I want to say you today: Dream big. Seize every opportunity that comes your way. Dare to be different. Thank you very much and congratulations to the Class of 2015!

But, in all honestly, I consider myself privileged to be a part of this graduating class. We’re so much better than all the other graduating classes, which are full of good-for-nothing losers. This grade has really grown up together. The Class of 2015 was the first grade in anyone’s memory to have a food fight at Saxe. And then we did it again the next year. We were just running up the score. In high school, we did lots of group projects and things to try and teach us how to work together. But we had already gotten 320 seventh graders to throw a burrito at the exact same time. There was nothing left to learn at that point.

People were really scared of how we were going to behave in high school. So scared in fact, that the principal ran away. And then his replacement could only take three years of us! However, the Class of 2015 has proven itself to be a mature, intelligent, and diverse group of people. Among our midsts are accomplished musicians, brilliant artists, champion athletes, groundbreaking scientists, and people that get invited to lots of parties. We have strong bonds that have been forged by the trials of high school. We got through the SAT without losing our minds. We got through Outback raves without losing our dignity. We got through this last month of school without losing our college acceptances. Ideally, one of you will be so successful that I can say I knew you in high school, which will make a wonderful conversation starter. Until that happens, enjoy yourself and keep in touch with your friends. At least that’s what Buzzfeed told me to tell you.

Teens Caught With Delicious Craft Brews in Traffic Stop

30 Apr

“Teens caught with cheap beer in Jeep

…An officer saw a vehicle matching that descriptionand pulled it over, according to a police spokesman. There were four youths in the vehicle, all male and all 16. Although none of them appeared intoxicated, the spokesman said, ‘the officer spotted in plain view a case of Keystone Light beer.'”

– New Canaan Advertiser

Four teens were issued infractions for possession of alcohol by a minor Saturday night, after a police officer pulled their vehicle over and noticed several locally-produced, artisan craft beers inside.

According to police reports, an officer noticed a black Jeep speeding on Main Avenue at 9:30 pm. After pulling the vehicle over, the officer noticed a considerable quantity of delicious small-batch, handmade, seasonal brews.

A further inspection of the vehicle revealed “2 six packs of Bad Monkey’s stellar new summer shandy, 3 bottles of a lovely lemon honey ale, a VSOP armagnac, and a nice Sonoma County burgundy, one of Wine Spectator’s 20 Top Budget Burgundies,” according to the same police report.

Sipping the evidence from a Belgian skein, Lieutenant Peter Moss commented on the bust. “These boys knew exactly what they were doing when they acquired these incredible craft brews,” Moss said, wiping a bit of foam from his upper lip. “Their biggest crime was probably keeping these fantastic beverages in a room-temperature car.”

Lieutenant Moss believes this bust is symbolic of a larger issue. “Kids today are drinking more and drinking better,” he said. “We show up to parties and find tons of incredible local brews. Nice tight carbonation, a one inch frothy head, fruity and hoppy varieties. This is what we’re up against.”

The officer also discovered precise scales and powerful butane torches in the vehicle. “The boys were intending to cook a nice saffron paella,” Moss said.

Lieutenant Moss sees underage consumption of tasty, refreshing craft brews, and all alcohol for that matter, as an important issue. “We need to teach kids that drinking is dangerous, whether you’re consuming the watery garbage that is cheap light beer, or the crown jewel of refreshment that is the craft brew,” Moss said. “At the end of the day, we need to take action as a community.”

A Word From Our Sponsors

21 Feb

Hi readers! I normally wouldn’t do this, but this post is going to contain no comedy. Instead, I’m handing the website over to my beloved father who is going to share a valuable investment opportunity with you. Read on for a chance to become rich beyond your wildest dreams.

 

Dear Readers of My Son’s Joke Website,

I’m excited to contact you today about a once-in-a-lifetime financial opportunity you can’t afford to miss.

Have you ever been dining in a Swiss-French restaurant and thought to yourself: “I wish this could be more convenient?” Do you know that feeling where you’re chowing down on some fondue or raclette and you think, “This is lovely, but I wish it didn’t take so long?” Well, here is your chance to get involved on the ground level of a fast food revolution. Introducing: Drive-Thru Fondue ®.

You might have thought that the only food that belongs in fast food is hamburgers and fries. But I’m here to tell you that the cauldrons of scalding oil, wheels of gooey cheese, and large quantities of raw meat and shellfish that characterize Alpen cuisine can have a place in your vehicle.

The premise is simple at Drive-Thru Fondue ®: approach the window, receive your order, and drive off with raw beef, shrimp, and scallops impaled on pointy forks and simmering in a steamy vat of boiling liquid. It’s just that easy.

The menu for Drive-Thru Fondue ® is constantly being improved, but it is built on a few core dishes. For appetizers, you have the classics. Raclette cheese, aged for over 180 days in a cave at every Drive-Thru Fondue ® franchise, is served with a disposable heat lamp to put on your dashboard. Keep the cheese warm and carve yourself some slices at stoplights. Cheese fondue is also a big mover. Our proprietary blend contains three gourmet cheeses and is served in a styrofoam container perfectly sized for your automotive cupholder. Avoid speed bumps, or the artisan French bread and decadent miniature vegetables might just fly out and cover your leather upholstery in molten Appenzeller. It is always fun when you find that rogue cornichon or pearl onion hidden underneath your seats, though…

For your entreé, indulge with Drive-Thru Fondue ®’s signature dish: Fondue Royale. With ample amounts of raw filet mignon and luxurious seafood, this affordable meal is sure to satisfy during your evening commute. Our simmering oil is a custom blend of 16 oils, 57 spices, and a tiny bit of witchcraft. When was the last time your dinner was exhilarating? Well, when our delicious recipe comes flying at your face and neck when you hit a pothole, you’ll know what it means to dine adventurously.

We at Drive-Thru Fondue ® are completely against distracted driving of all kinds. But, we are committed to food and road safety for our customers. Our ingredients are presented raw, which means they come laden with salmonella, E. Coli, tapeworms and other unseen assassins. While driving, avert your eyes from the road for a few moments to check that your food has been thoroughly heated. Additionally, be sure to completely sanitize all of your vehicle’s interior surfaces after handling all Drive-Thru Fondue ® fare.

Our first location is a huge hit in the local community and our grub is getting rave reviews every day. We were recently awarded four out of five forks by Fondue Fancy magazine, a leading industry publication. Furthermore, we were rated as “Adequate” by the local health department. Additionally, we are legally obligated to inform you of our “Abysmal and Life-Treatening” designation by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration.

Drive-Thru Fondue ® is ready to take the leap into the next level of fast food. We are looking for brand sponsors, franchisees, loose-moralled insurance executives and adept liability lawyers to be a part of the Drive-Thru Fondue ® family.

So join us. Open your wallets and come along for the ride. If you’re a hungry entrepreneur or simply a loyal patron of the fondue community, this is a can’t-miss opportunity to be a part of something big. It may seem like every big fast food chain is putting fondue on their menus these days. But remember:

At Drive-Thru Fondue ®, we fon-do it better.

Sincerely,

Heinz Sosnick
Restauranteur and Fondue Tycoon
Drive-Thru Fondue International

 

 

 

Doctors Hate This: The ONE Weird Diet Trick You Can’t Afford to Miss

4 Feb

You. Yes, you. Are you looking to change your life? Is the food you’re eating keeping you healthy, spry, and full of vigor? But are you having fun? Are you looking to poison your body and mind with the food you eat, but have a great time while doing it? Then we have a diet for you.

Introducing the gluten-only diet. Carbs and starches 24/7. We’re talking artisan breads, luxurious pastas, and luxurious artisan breads. If that sounds delicious and uncomfortable, you’re right. Let’s walk you through it.

Breakfast, that’s easy. Two Pop-tarts, straight out of the microwave. But remember, this is the gluten only diet. Go ahead and scrape off that strawberry frosting. Siphon out the jelly filling with a syringe or small vacuum . Feel good yet?

For lunch, head on over to the altar of gluten, the cathedral of carbohydrates, Panera Breads. Grab yourself some clam chowder in a breadbowl. Then dump the clam chowder in a trashcan. Order a second empty breadbowl. Savor it. Enjoy yourself.

If you’re hungry, the gluten-only movement offers many great snack choices. Couscous, spätzle, matzoh. If you’re thirsty, have a beer or some soda, boiled down to just the syrup. Your mouth should feel dry and starchy, if you’re doing it right.

Dinner is the easiest meal of the day. Four words: Olive Garden unlimited breadsticks.

If you’re appetized by now, that’s normal. But know that the gluten-only movement isn’t all peaches and cream. In fact, peaches and cream are completely forbidden. You may gain 30 pounds in a week. You may go months without a bowel movement. Your body may be as doughy as the foods you’re eating.

This diet will test your willpower. A waiter might say “Do you want a side salad with that plain pasta?” to which you’ll reply: “No. I only eat gluten.” Your body will scream for a single baby carrot. Your belly will beg for roughage. But you can’t spell gluten-only without willpower.

Support is the bread and butter of any successful diet. With us, it’s just the bread. Our official gluten-only community, Flour Power, will be there for you every step of the way. Share wheat-based recipes, debate the pros and cons of spaghetti and linguine, and find solace in the company of others who eschew the devil of gluten from their lives.

Only gluten. Only happiness. www.breadheads.com

2014 Was the Year of the Butt and Some Other Things, Too

17 Dec

2014. What a wild and crazy time it’s been. This amazing year was filled with amazing people doing amazing things. There were wars, disasters, and miracles. And holy mackerel, there were a lot of great butts.

In February, the ebola outbreak tore its way across West Africa. This horrific disease shocked the world and united us in fear. But we forgot all about that as soon as Nicki Minaj dropped the “Anaconda” video and we were consumed with images of beautiful, buttery bumcakes. What a year.

Two Malaysian flights ended in disaster this year. We’ll remember hearing about all those lives lost on the television. Each and every one of us realized that could have been us. But we could all have been Beyonce’s butt, too. And when we saw that bodacious booty at the VMAs, this year was positively bun-tastic. Big, badass bottoms were truly the stars of 2014.

Additionally, we saw lots of war and conflict this year. From Crimea, to Syria, to Iraq, it seems like we just couldn’t find peace. Despite all our prayers, people were losing their lives to violence all over the world in 2014. And then our prayers were answered, as Kim Kardashian broke the internet with her regal rump. This bouncy, boisterous, buxom backside was the delightful derriere we all needed this year.

Malala Yousafazai captured our hearts when she became the youngest person ever to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Who wasn’t inspired by her bravery in standing up to the Taliban? This more than made up for her rather unspectacular tush, which pales in comparison to the hefty heinies in this year’s Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Good golly, those gigantic glutes and beefy badonkadonks were the best thing to happen in 2014.

So goodbye, 2014. With so many ups and downs, highs and lows, joys and sorrows, this was truly a year to remember. But the fantastic fundaments, terrific tushies, and portly posteriors of 2014 were truly unforgettable.

SEE ALSO: Will 2015 be the year we finally tackle climate change or are hips going to make a comeback?

The Cheesemaker’s Daughter

11 Nov

Note: Over the past three days, I have been publishing excerpts from my upcoming romance novels. Each of these stories is set in a different exotic locale and features themes of romance, love, passion, lust, and amorousness. You can find them in a supermarket or airport book store near you.

Young love is something different to everyone. For some, it’s a dank cave full of ricotta. For others, it’s a rank Roquefort on your Weihnachtstag table. Maybe, young love for you is unpasteurized goat’s milk on your lederhosen. For me, love is a Bavarian milkmaid with cassein in her hair.

Greta was the kind of girl who knew her way around an udder. I first chanced upon her in the lush meadows of the low Alps. My father’s prized steer, Günther, had just bolted from the corral. We were in the kitchen, making spatzel, when we first heard his cowbell dinging down into the valley. I rushed to sound my alpenhorn, but Günther was a stubborn beast. Strong in the grain fields, but stubborn as an ass. Begrudgingly, I put on my galoshes and headed out onto the steppe.

Hoping that a fellow dairyman might have recognized our signature brand on Günther’s fleshy undercarriage, I stopped in at a ramshackle old barn. I yodeled loudly to announce my presence. The old building was made of rotting mountain spruce and sized for a baker’s dozen cows. Seeing a light on in the building, and enticed by the smell of fresh milk, I walked toward the door. A Heifer mooed inside, above the sound of squirting udders. As I leaned my head around the doorframe, I laid eyes upon the most beautiful farmhand I’d ever seen in my years as a cheesemonger.

Her hair glistened under a single antiquated lightbulb like Appenzeller in the sun. Her frame was stocky, plump, and hardy, like the most popular goat at the auction haus. Her skin shone due to frequent and plentiful lactose consumption. Her calloused and graceful hands slid effortlessly over the pink udders of the tired, old cow. Her hazel eyes glimpsed me in the doorway, but with her so focused on the milking and me so content to watch her flawless technique, we remained in a tense silence.

However, I could sense that this aged cow was feeling ornery. The cow began to flare her nostrils and stamp her hooves, wriggling her udders to prevent the girl from gaining a grip. The conflict escalated, with the milkmaid tightening her grip and the cow writhing more and more, until the object of my affection threw her arms up in exasperation. The cow lurched, kicking the bucket and sending milk across the barn floor. As the spill drained through the floorboards, I announced my presence.

“Guten tag, I am searching for a lost steer,” I stareted. My voice trembled with each word. “I have known him since Kindergarten and he disappeared like a poltergeist. He is a döppelganger to that bull there, and I implore you not to find schadenfreude in my misfortune. Is it not the zeitgeist to help a fellow milkman?”

She replied sweetly, “I’m sorry, but I haven’t seen your cow. I would love to help you find him, but I need to get this cow milked.”

She told me her name was Greta and that her father owned this farm. She said that if she didn’t collect enough milk tonight, her father would not allow her to go off and be a nanny for the seven mischievous children of an Austrian navy captain. Taking her hand in mine, I felt the signature abrasions of a forceful milker. I slid behind Greta on her milking stool, wrapped my arms around hers, and whispered, “Mein strudel, allow me.”

 

Love in the Mine Shafts

10 Nov

Note: Over three days, I will be publishing excerpts from my upcoming romance novels. Each of these stories is set in a different exotic locale and features themes of romance, love, passion, lust, and amorousness. You can find them in a supermarket or airport book store near you.

 

Workin’ down at the mine, a man don’t got a whole lotta time for the finer sex. Most always, I wake with the rooster and go to bed with him too, if only because I like a chicken to keep me company while I sleep. By the time I clock outta the shaft, there ain’t enough daylight for me to go out hunting for broads, so I keep a pretty lonely life.

All that changed the day the gender barrier was broken in the coal mining industry. Most of the company town had their long johns in a twist over there being a lady in the mines, but I was too busy being tired and busy to give much of a hoot. So long as she didn’t dig my coal or turn the company on to the fact that my picket fence is two feet beyond my property lines, she was alright by me.

The first time I laid eyes upon the broad was in the company store. We were both buying rice and beans using our commissary slips. Like I said, I didn’t think much about her being in town. Only queer thing was, this lady coulda been in pictures if she had her druthers. Made no sense havin’ a girl all gussied up like that breaking her back down in the mine. But, my job ain’t to make decisions. My job’s to mine coal.

That fateful mornin’ I woke up just as I always do. My rooster crowed and my crow roostered and I popped outta bed. I thought about taking a shower, but decided it’d be a better use of the hot water to make me some coffee. I put on my uniform and took my lunch and helmet and headed down to the mine. Turned out, the new girl would be in my shift. Some of the boys in my shift were fixin’ to make a pass on her, but let me tell you, I fell out of the ugly tree and hit every stick on the way down. Figured I didn’t have half a lick at taking her to some honky-tonk or nothin’, so I just hunkered down and got down to my work.

By the time we was down in the shaft, it was hotter than a Rolex in a pawn shop. Everybody in the crew got down to cracking ore, but it appeared the new gal was having some trouble. Now, I ain’t so high cotton I can’t help out a coworker, so I shuffled on over to give her a hand.

“What’s a honey as purdy as you doing down in a coal shaft?” I asked her.

“Hell, same thing you’re doing down here, trying to catch a buck,” she said.

“You mind if I gave you a hand? Looks like you ain’t got a whole lotta experience yet,” I said.

The more I looked at her, the more I liked. Her eyes were dark as coal, her hair was black as coal, her skin was getting covered in coal dust, but her heart was clearly not of coal. Every time she looked up at me, my heart shot up like the mine elevator and I wanted to sing like a canary. From then on, our love burned like a coal-fed fire. I never heard of a solar panel doing nothing like that.

Ye Olde Romance Novel

3 Nov

Note: Over the next three days, I will be publishing excerpts from my upcoming romance novels. Each of these stories is set in a different exotic locale and features themes of romance, love, passion, lust, and amorousness. You can find them in a supermarket or airport book store near you.

 

Lady Porston’s Ye Olde Shoppe is a fine establishment wherein one might purchase a loaf of hard-tac for kin in the War, sacks of barley with which to prepare Stews and Gruels, or even barter brass buttons or copper nails for imported Tonics and Spirits. One day, when the whole of the town had exited the Chapel after the Morn’s prayers and had yet to congregate on the Common Green for militia drills, I did pay a visit to Lady Porston for the purpose of attaining calf enhancements pads of the Elegant and Current fashion. Beyond the front Stoop, a poor and wretched alleycat carried a lowly sewer rat betwixt her claws, and further beyond stood a Fair and Gentle maiden, an enchanting Vixen, upon whom I had never feasted mine Eyes.

As I charted my predestined course toward her Heavenly body, I did feel a firm and Stirring drumbeat beneath my breast. Boom-Ta-Ta-Boom-Boom-Ta-Ta-Ta. During my navigation, the Firmament opened and let forth a shivering Torrent, yet the Maiden must not have owned a Quality Almanack, for she wore a Cape of satin with no galoshes. Summoning my Deepest courages, I raced toward the Intoxicating mistress and placed my coat upon her frame, revealing a pleasant wrinkle upon her Countenance, for surely Eros and Aphrodite had drawn me in their Game of lots.

Her mane hung in Splendid tendrils, as if they were over-Ripened vines of mungbean and Common Sprouts. Her eyes, the Dramatic stage upon which her minds’ players revealed comedies and tragedies of the Highest order, shone with the bright intensity of a Witch burning on the pyre. Hark! her ankles loomed beneath the midnight of her stockings, presenting themselves like the first lumps of Carrot of the Harvest, a sight so captivating one wishes he could Render it in charcoal or marble. Her anatomy Flowed like the town stream where Typhus and other Great Afflicktions grew and where unkempt Hooligans and Tramps might hunt for toads.

I sang: Huzzah! divine Creature! Let me cry your praises upon the highest Steeples and through the lowest Caverns and dungeons! The whole of the Colonies shall know of your Beauty. Blessed Fruit, reveal your charms and allow me to escort you to a Ball, or even a festive Tavern, so that I might make you mine and put you to work on my Plantation and breed learned Sons. What say you?

She said, hushed and low: But what if Bishop Franklin or Lord McClintock should catch us in this sordid affair? I am but a lowly indentured servant! Who can know what fearsome wrath they shall wreak on us? What Misery hath our chance meeting wrought?

And I declared: My Queen, my Gentle Friend, my Lovely Prize, we shall embark for the wilderness! We shall eat plump berries and feast on the Flesh of small rodents there, in the kingdom of beasts and Monsters. We will make our homestead and Plant our seed and live like Forsaken fools on the Fringes of the world. Have I your hand in this Precarious Proposition?

And she said: Aye!

 

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