Who’s idea was it to put the RNC on at 10 pm EST? They booked the convention in a state full of old people.
Archive | August, 2012
182 Days Left
27 AugTomorrow is going to be my eleventh first day of school. If I’ve learned anything at all from these 1.1 decades of schooling, it’s that teachers, despite your most well-founded beliefs, have personalities. Let’s examine some of the personalities you might encounter on your first day:
The Systematic Organizer: So, I have a couple of little systems that I want to try in the classroom this year. We’ll start with when you walk in. Put your backpack over here when you come in in the morning, and place your homework in this bin. I’ll have a spreadsheet next to the bin every morning and if you could check your name when you turn your assignment in, that’d be great. Next, I’ll have a list of all school supplies you’ll need for the lesson on the board and if you have to borrow something, take what you want from the cabinets in the back of the room. Again, mark what you’re taking on the corresponding spreadsheet. However, you only get a certain amount of supply rentals. You can buy more with stickers, that I’ll give out for good behavior or answering a question correctly. Save your questions until the end, I’m only getting started.
The Scared from Last Year: Hello, children. I’ll have you know that this isn’t my first rodeo and will not be taken advantage of in this classroom. I don’t care how much trouble you’re having controlling your teenage behavior, I’m not going to take any nonsense in this room. And for those wild steeds that can’t be broken, I’ll have you know I’m very close to the principal and have no reserves about calling him regarding you kids. I expect you to remain quiet and attentive while I’m speaking, and will not tolerate any interruptions. I expect to have a classroom of mutual trust and respect, you hear me?
The One Year Left: Welcome, kids. I hope you are all looking forward to a fun year. This is my twenty-eighth year at this school, thirty-seventh as a teacher. I’ve been doing algebra for almost my entire life at this point, so if you have any questions, I’ll do my best to answer enthusiastically. I like to really get to know my kids each year, so let’s all say a little bit about our hobbies. Mine include golf, arriving late, and complaining about my family.
Leave It to the Professionals
23 AugIn an effort to revitalize their flavor line, Lay’s has created an online contest in which ordinary people (and me) can pitch their own ideas for the next great potato chip taste by combining three ingredients. These are a couple of my creations:
Subway Bathroom – Nacho Cheese, Vodka, and Loneliness
Frat Life – Instant Ramen, Mac ‘n’ Cheese, and Punch
Passover with Grandma Sadie – Matzoh Balls, Gefilte Fish, and Horseradish
The New Brooklyn – Cupcakes, Bison Jerky, and Beard Gel
90’s Osaka – Octopus, Sushi Rice, Hello Kitty Minifigure
Schooooooooool’s Out for Summer
20 AugSummer is a period of relaxation for students all over the globe, but many teachers take it upon themselves to provide their students with a refresher to stop students from forgetting their learning while they enjoy their break. Oftentimes, this is just cleverly-disguised busy work.
Hello students,
I trust you’re enjoying your summer vacation. However, don’t let the late mornings and calm afternoons fool you into thinking you have time off. As students, every waking moment of your life is actually dominated by work; we just give you summer to keep morale up. So, I have prepared a light workload for you:
1. Choose 3 of the 5 books listed on that sheet you were given on the last day of school. Since all of you lost it, I have prepared some extras and left them at the front office. Good luck getting them: the staff likes to enjoy their summer as well! I know you are choosing these books based on their length, so I’ve kept them all equal at a slender 1000 pages.
2. Write an essay of 10,000 words about our key subject for next year: dreams. If the topic were more specific, your reading would be much more relevant. (Important: This will be my first and lasting impression of you. If you do exceptionally poorly or exceptionally well, every other assignment you do will be judged against it.)
So, finish your sandcastles and roll up your beach towels, because this is only the start. See you in the fall!
– Mrs. Brushthistle
It’s Official
16 AugYesterday, at the Yankee game, I noticed that seemingly every company claims to have an official product of the Yankees. From pudding to mustard to luxury car, nearly every company can claim that their merchandise is “official”. I wondered just how far this advertising trend could go:
ANNOUNCER: And now, a few words from our sponsors.
Keep life moving on the farm with Bjornsson’s, the official animal birthing lubricant of the New York Yankees.
Throw a knuckleball into your digestive system using Ipecac, the official emetic of the New York Yankees.
Enjoy the elegant scenery of Belgium, the official European country of the New York Yankees.
If you’re looking to redecorate, head on over to Ikea, the official hex-wrench assembled furniture of the New York Yankees.
And finally, there’s no better way to spend an afternoon than enjoying some Philadelphia Phillies baseball, the official sports team of the New York Yankees.
(My dad made me write this: I have no affiliation with any of these companies, especially Bjornsson’s animal birthing lubricant.)
Putting the “Art” in “Fart”
15 AugThis last week, I fisnished my final summer at camp. Traditionally, the oldest group of campers are taken on a week-long trip to California, and this year’s didn’t fail to meet expectations. However, amongst Hollywood, Laguna Beach, Rodeo Drive, someone had the shortsightedness to bring a group of 23 teenage boys to the Getty Art Museum. Here are a few choice quotations that could be heard if you just so happened to be there on the same day as us:
“I bet you I can get closer to the paintings than you before the guard notices.”
“Hey, look! If you touch it like this, you can see the paint chips fall off!”
“This place is huge. I wish I brought my roller skates.”
“Sssssh. You’ll wake that old guy on the couch.”
The Lighter Side of the Moon 