Archive | December, 2011

That’s So 1%

31 Dec

Now that the Occupy movement has largely disbanded, I can be less fearful of their mob mentality when I ridicule them on a public forum. So, without further ado, a sneak preview of my new TV show, Thats So 1%.

(Lilac, the matriarch of the Chesterfield family, is sitting at home with her son, Chauncey. Lilac and Chauncey are seated on a velvet couch. Lilac is wearing a yellow sundress and an oversized white sunhat. Chauncey is still in his pajamas, and is desperately trying to persuade her that it is December, and sundresses are a little out of season.)

LILAC: Chauncey, if it were December, why would I be wearing a sundress?

CHAUNCEY: That’s precisely the point, mother. It’s 23 degrees out there.

LILAC: Here, enough of this petty arguing. Let’s ask Mellamo.

(Mellamo was the long-time maid of the Chesterfield family. Surprisingly enough, her name is actually Guadalupe, but when she first arrived at the home, she introduced her self by saying, “Me llamo Guadalupe,” and the name stuck.)

MELLAMO: Actually Miss Lilac, it’s way too cold for the sundress. Perhaps I should get you the coat you had made last winter, the one with a lining of baby seal. Environmental carelessness is a most becoming look for you.

LILAC: You know what, all this debating has tired me out. I don’t really feel like leaving the house today.

(Lilac, longing for the days when her children couldn’t point out her innumerable character flaws, walks across the room to a cabinet and gestures toward a photo album situated on the third shelf, about as high as Lilac’s navel.)

LILAC: Mellamo, can you get this? I’m far too frail to get up on the step ladder.

(Mellamo gets the photo album resentfully, no step ladder required. Lilac settles down on the couch with the album and opens up to a page full of pictures from the vacation house in the Cape. She settles down and flashbacks to a favorite memory from their vacations. Lilac is seen recalling her bridge partner, Tabitha, describing to her how her husband was taking her on a walk through the downtown, to window shop in those delightful little stores. Lilac, not to be outdone, hired a pilot to fly her over the downtown, where she window shopped from above.)

LILAC: Oh, Chauncey, isn’t this picture just delightful? You were all so cute.

CHAUNCEY: Yes, Corinth [his younger sister] was just the funniest little trust fund baby in town. And there I am, a trust fund toddler.

END SCENE

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What if Rabbis Were Completely Honest in Bar Mitzvah Speeches?

29 Dec

“Working with Jeremy was not the best experience I’ve ever had with a student. Let’s just say he’s not the tastiest charoset on the seder plate. I think I speak for the whole congregation when I say we’re all surprised you made it this far. Hopefully, none of you noticed the many mistakes Jeremy made earlier this morning, since I know I did. Jeremy, here’s to you, your family, and your long future filled with further mistakes. Shabbat Shalom.”

“Chelsea was a delightful student, except for some things. First off, for the record, thank you Chelsea for coming up with such unoriginal analysis of your portion. It made my life much easier. However, you have that horrible nasally voice. I didn’t know anything could be so grating before meeting the Bat Mitzvah girl. And Mrs. Goldberg, Chelsea’s mom, you’ve got to relax a little bit. Oy gevalt, ever heard of micromanaging? Chelsea, congratulations, and go party. Your mother’s put in a lot of effort on this one.”

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Today’s Random Thought

28 Dec

Sometimes my dad complains that he’d rather be at the beach than golfing. Luckily for him, he spends so much time in the sand and water he can’t tell the difference!

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Looks Like the Cat’s Out of the Bag … Along With All Those Novelty Golf Clubs

27 Dec

My grandparents have taught me many important things: how to yell at waiters, how to spend hours in Neiman Marcus, and how to play golf. Golf isn’t my favorite sport, but I don’t mind nine holes every now and again. However, there are obviously some people who don’t have the self-control to sit through a round of golf. If that sounds like you, check out these 3 ridiculous novelty golf clubs.

1. The UroClub

At the most basic level, this is a reasonable idea for a product. You’re on the fairway, you need to take a leak, but you’re far too proud to use the trees in front of your Tuesday morning group.

Classy.

So instead, you walk to a secluded corner, unscrew the UroClub’s triple-seal lid (anything less would be a health hazard) and relieve yourself. Yep, the UroClub is a urine receptacle designed to look like a golf club. Products like these make me really happy, since they make my life a lot easier by practically writing the jokes themselves. Just in case you were worried about someone sneaking a peak while you’re doing your business, it comes with an inconspicuous “privacy cloth” to conceal yourself with. It’s a great idea, since nobody gets suspicious when you spend two minutes wiping the same bit of your club grip at pelvis height. Also, where is the ladies’ version? Golf is no longer a single sex game, but why is there no fair representation in the novelty golf club industry? Everybody sell your stock on this one, because the National Organization for Women is going to be breaking down the doors there any second.

2. The Kooler Klub

How often have you been out golfing, but despaired at your inability to bring along your favorite beverages?

That beverage looks like blood.

The brilliant engineers at Club Champ understand you. They get that you need a cold drink to be at your athletic pinnacle, so they’ve disguised a drink dispenser as a golf club. Catching up on the last day of the season? Fill up the 48 ounce tank (spacious!) with coffee and stay toasty all eighteen holes. Stuck in the trap mid-August? Fill your cup with cold soda and select your lucky iron. At least this one won’t earn you as much social ridicule as the club you pee into. Remember, nothing makes golf better than heavy drinking.

3. Big Daddy Driver

Wow. What a remarkably unspecific name for anything. Allow me to elaborate for you. The Big Daddy Driver has a built-in weedwhacker so you can get a better lie. Sure, by all means, damage the course and ruin the peace for everyone else, just so your ball can sit a little better.

Arms dealers everywhere are after this thing.

Feel free. Seriously, it wouldn’t even make sense to have your driver out when your ball is sitting in the rough. Also, why do we want people that have just gotten drunk off of and urinated into golf clubs using them as garden tools? It’s just a bad combination. Look at the size of that hole! That could certainly screw up someone’s game. Have fun explaining it to a groundskeeper.

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What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up?

24 Dec

My name is Sherm Lubenstein. I live in the Eastern Confederation, once the world’s most powerful nation. Today, however, in 2231, that is no longer the case.

In 2174, the President decide that what we needed to better our workforce was hyper-specialization, as he described in his classic “What We Need to Better our Workforce is Hyper-specialization” speech. To do so, he made it such that 4-yeard-old’s would choose their careers. These choices are final, so whatever job you pick at the age of 4 is what you’d be stuck with for the rest of your life.

Since the children are allowed to select their jobs, there are tremendous inbalances between careers. At the job selection event in one town with 1000 4-year-olds, there were 365 professional baseball players, 202 astronauts, and 173 ballerinas. Little did they know, a society with 20% of it’s individuals living in space is headed straight for failure. There are only so many dance companies and baseball teams. The 72 ice cream vendors will only pull from the workers in the fields, growing the food our nation needs.

Not to mention, your childhood isn’t ripe with decision-making ability. I made the unfortunate decision to be a professional roller coaster rider, and now suffer from extreme vertigo and chronic nausea. My wife chose to work at a McDonald’s playplace, and now suffers from chronic back pain, as those nets are rather unforgiving after 8 hours. These ailments force massive numbers of people to quit their jobs at too young an age, and put a massive strain on the 84 out of 1000 people that chose to be doctors.

Today, the Eastern Confederation suffers through a myriad of problems that can only be addressed by the repeal of this law. Our government spends millions building spaceships for our astronauts. Our few scientists must figure out how to make Tommy into Buzz Lightyear. (The kid who chose to be Woody was much less of a headache.) I, Sherm Lubenstein, refuse to continue on this path. If you agree, meet me on the Brain-Buster at Rocky Rapids Amusement Park. Wear a carnation on your lapel. Up the Rebels!

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Today’s Random Thought

24 Dec

Why do the hibachi and fondue industries get to charge extra for forcing you to cook the food?

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Hipster Baked Goods: Potato Latkes

20 Dec

Here we are, once again, with Hipster Baked Goods. This time, in key with the Hanukkah season, we will be discussing how our barista friends make potato latkes. They re-interpret all the great things about our grandmother’s traditional foods, and put out a substantially worse product. So, without further ado, let’s dive in.

Obviously, potatoes are a key part of latkes. I spoke with one baker who uses potatoes grown during the Irish Potato Famine. That combination of 200 years of fermentation coupled with a crippling fungal disease really give the potatoes some “bite”. I don’t know why those peasants went hungry, because they grew some top-notch infected potatoes. Other makers who pandered to a more specialized clientele made potato latkes for reverse-vegetarians: those who only eat meat. Instead of potato shreds, these artisan chefs cook with the sinew of Kobe calves instead. The tendons are then soaked in a mixture of Bahamian seawater, kumquat juice, and buttermilk. The milk curdles and clings to the sinew, wherein they are fried and served.

One tough choice Jews have to make during the holiday season is apple sauce or sour cream, and several fedora’d cooks really went all-out with their toppings. A particularly succulent one was a sauce made not of apples, but of cantaloupes pressed into a paste by barefoot Bhutanese monks. Then, using a centrifuge, the cantaloupe paste was spun into tiny spheres, which were shot from a pea shooter at the wall, making them back into a paste. They also serve Breakstone sour cream.

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Today’s Random Thought

19 Dec

If Santa drove a Camry instead of a sleigh, it would cost 4000 dollars in gas to drive the world’s circumference. If he feeds his reindeer a nutritious diet of apples, it costs him 100,000 dollars to feed them for the big night. Seems like those elves must be getting slave wages.

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Freshman Tries to Be Sophomoric

18 Dec

My cousin Harris said I need to include more kid’s jokes on my blog. So here goes:

SCENE: (The Book Worm is a small independently-owned book store on Oak Street. They are having a celebrity author, Steve Buttface come talk about his choice in the GOP race, along with an esteemed local politician, Selectman Cathy Poopyhead. A small crowd has arrived to hear their intellectual back-and-forth.)

Buttface: In my opinion, Newt really doesn’t have what America needs in terms of a role model. We need someone who displays excellent morality, and a willingness to sacrifice himself for his country.

(Buttface farts violently as Poopyhead prepares her retort. The book store staff is quickly overwhelmed with orders for scented bookmarks.)

Poppyhead: You know, I agree with you on some level, but we need a good leader before a good person. I would happily elect a candidate whose leadership potential is such that it overshadows his somewhat flawed personal life.

Buttface: Cathy, I agree with you on some level, but I dream of the day when both qualities can reside in one candidate. Unfortunately, I have yet to see that in anyone running this year.

(Poopyhead prepares a chart showing approval ratings in major swing states. Instead, she accidentally comes upon a picture of Calvin urinating on key figures in the Democratic National Party. The crowd erupts in laughter.)

Buttface: You know, a great philosopher once said, “All men’s souls are immortal, and so is the left bumper.”

Poopyface: That’s not a real quote! Name your source!

Buttface: The Socrates pinball machine at Dave & Buster’s.

(Buttface pauses for a moment and excuses himself, as his publisher is calling. Apparently, the conversation was being reported on by several national news outlets. Sales of his book, I Feigned Intelligence and You Can Too, are plummeting due to his referencing arcade games. The book store staff quickly takes the microphone and announces that the book-signing has been cancelled. The crowd, feigning intelligence, sits down and shouts that they are occupying the book store. Within minutes, several pizzas arrive, having been donated by the “Poopyface 2012” campaign.)

CURTAIN

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Today’s Random Thought

15 Dec

Why is snow allowed to wear white after Labor Day?

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