Here we are, once again, with Hipster Baked Goods. This time, in key with the Hanukkah season, we will be discussing how our barista friends make potato latkes. They re-interpret all the great things about our grandmother’s traditional foods, and put out a substantially worse product. So, without further ado, let’s dive in.
Obviously, potatoes are a key part of latkes. I spoke with one baker who uses potatoes grown during the Irish Potato Famine. That combination of 200 years of fermentation coupled with a crippling fungal disease really give the potatoes some “bite”. I don’t know why those peasants went hungry, because they grew some top-notch infected potatoes. Other makers who pandered to a more specialized clientele made potato latkes for reverse-vegetarians: those who only eat meat. Instead of potato shreds, these artisan chefs cook with the sinew of Kobe calves instead. The tendons are then soaked in a mixture of Bahamian seawater, kumquat juice, and buttermilk. The milk curdles and clings to the sinew, wherein they are fried and served.
One tough choice Jews have to make during the holiday season is apple sauce or sour cream, and several fedora’d cooks really went all-out with their toppings. A particularly succulent one was a sauce made not of apples, but of cantaloupes pressed into a paste by barefoot Bhutanese monks. Then, using a centrifuge, the cantaloupe paste was spun into tiny spheres, which were shot from a pea shooter at the wall, making them back into a paste. They also serve Breakstone sour cream.
The Lighter Side of the Moon 
Haha. This is goofy and silly. I love it. My dad made latkes when I was young; to this day I haven’t figured out how he started on it, seeing as there’s nothing Jewish about my family. Not to say that you must be Jewish to eat latkes, I just have no idea how it became tradition.