Archive | March, 2012

Shakespeare: A Sixteenth Century Bob Saget

26 Mar

William Shakespeare is the most prolific playwright of all time. Unfortunately, his beautiful prose and charming stories often overshadowed his signature raunch. Let’s take a peek at some of the Bard’s best and bawdiest humor:


CHIRON: Thou has undone our mother.

AARON: Villain, I have done thy mother.

– Titus Andronicus

 BRABANTIO: What profane wretch art thou?

IAGO: I am one, sir, that comes to tell you your daughter and the Moor are now making the beast with two backs.


NURSE: ‘Yea,’ quoth he, ‘dost thou fall upon thy face? Thou wilt fall backward when thou hast more wit;

-Romeo and Juliet

SAMPSON: A dog of that house shall move me to stand: I will 
take the wall of any man or maid of Montague’s.

GREGORY: That shows thee a weak slave; for the weakest goes 
to the wall.

SAMPSON: True; and therefore women, being the weaker vessels,
are ever thrust to the wall: therefore I will push
 Montague’s men from the wall, and thrust his maids 
to the wall.

The quarrel is between our masters and us their men.

SAMPSON: ‘Tis all one, I will show myself a tyrant: when I
 have fought with the men, I will be cruel with the
 maids, and cut off their heads.

GREGORY: The heads of the maids?

Ay, the heads of the maids, or their maidenheads; 
take it in what sense thou wilt.

GREGORY: They must take it in sense that feel it.

Me they shall feel while I am able to stand: and
’tis known I am a pretty piece of flesh.

GREGORY: ‘Tis well thou art not fish; if thou hadst, thou
 hadst been poor John. Draw thy tool! here comes
 two of the house of the Montagues.

– Romeo and Juliet

Signs You’ve Chosen the Wrong Night for Speed Dating

22 Mar

BOY: Wanna hear a joke?

GIRL: Sure.

BOY: Too bad. If I were funny, would I really need to speed date?


(Girl walks up to table.)

BOY: Can I have a cheeseburger, please?

GIRL: I’m not a waitress. I’m your next date.

BOY: Wait, this is speed dating? No wonder no one’s brought me my food.


GIRL: Do you like bowling?

BOY: No.

GIRL: Me neither. I guess we have a lot in common.

BOY: Do you like Star Wars?



Today’s Random Thought

19 Mar

Exit Poll: 70% of voters hoping to keep Santorum in the race are comedy writers.

Today’s Random Thought

18 Mar

(On  the way home from buying bongos)

ME: I think I’m gonna become a beatnik.

BROTHER: Why not just be a hipster?

ME: Too mainstream.

Newt’s 2013 White House Halloween Party

16 Mar

NEWT: Hello, and welcome to the 2013 White House Halloween party. Thanks so much to my fourth wife, Shawna, for planning this wonderful event. I’m sure you can see, I’m dressed as one of the America’s greatest leaders, Ronald Reagan. In this new presidency, I think it would be nice to pay homage to the man, the myth, and the legend with this little get-together, as we bring Ronald Reagan conservatism back to America!  Now, if you kids want to start trick-or-treating, we have jelly beans all over the room.

(Talking with a congressman)

NEWT: …with abortions, I guess I’m against them. But hey, what if that little fetus is the next Great Communicator? I don’t think I can be the judge of that!

(With the commander of NASA)

NEWT: The moon colony’s gonna need a fresh new motif, and I’ve got an idea: every flight is named for a different Ronald Reagan movie. And the main base – we’ll call it the Gipper!

(Two staff members are chatting in the corner.)

STAFF 1: You seen Newt? I just saw him with the senator a second ago.

STAFF 2: Yeah, I think he’s out with his “female friend”. But don’t worry: it’s only impeachable if you’re a Democrat.

The Sommelier Gets Crafty

12 Mar

SCENE: A flashy restaurant. A tuxedoed man is seated with his guests, while a sommelier in a white dinner jacket explains the wine list.

CUSTOMER: I’d like something fruity, yet smokey. Ever left a cupcake out in the rain? Something like that.  Something that goes down easy.

SOMMELIER: Well, the latest trend is a drink with a little more constitution. I’ve got a personal favorite from New Mexico you might like.

CUSTOMER: Fine, what do you suggest?

SOMMELIER: The Suahcahtaka Merlot might be nice. It complements this group atmosphere nicely. And it’ll go great with the seafood platter, too. It has notes of bacon, stained glass, and nursing home bathwater. Coming from a Northwest South Carolina Sommelier of the Week like myself, it’s got a lovely bouquet.

CUSTOMER: Actually, the seafood looks a bit pricy. How would it go with the duck?

SOMMELIER: Well, you need the seafood. Unless you wanna miss out on the merlot. A fine wine is like a fine woman – both need a loving companion, be it a sensitive male or a seafood platter.

CUSTOMER: Fine. Bring them both out.

(Sommelier brings out the wine. He clumsily pours the wine into a salad dressing can and back into a cup.)

CUSTOMER: That’s an odd-looking decanter.

SOMMELIER: It’s new technology. So, you like the wine?

CUSTOMER (gagging): It’s a little hard to take.

SOMMELIER: It requires a very selective palette, at least that’s what WINE SPECTATOR said. It should almost feel like you’re eating a porcupine. It should be painful. The best wines assault the senses.

CUSTOMER: Can we see the wine list again?

Take Out Your Wallet, and Call…

7 Mar

(Camera is lifted out of it’s rural hometown by a tornado. It wakes up to find itself in a cozy, well-decorated living room. On a red couch sits that actor from that movie. Every single audience member take out their iPhone to consult IMDB.)

ACTOR: Hi! I’m Cletus Toddwick, from such films as “Oh, That’s Where He’s From” and “Wasn’t that the Same Director as Ferris Bueller?”. I’m here to talk to you about a growing problem affecting pet-owners everywhere: feline balding. Every day, millions of innocent cats cry out for help as their fur come out in the fistful.

(Start slideshow. Include plenty of bald cats.)

CLETUS (talking over video): And it’s not just housecats: all over the world, jaguars, cougars, and tigers are rendered helpless as their coats fall out. But you can help.

(Turn back to Cletus. He looks legitimately concerned at the fate of balding cats.)

CLETUS: For just thirty five dollars a day, you can help us buy wigs and hair-retaining shampoo for at-risk felines. You can be the change. And for a small five hundred dollar donation, we’ll send you a 1996 calendar of gross hairless cats. Thanks for your support.

(Commercial ends with exceedingly sad classical music, as more pictures of bald cats show. Cletus is smiling at the thought of his new Mercedes. According to his lawyer, “shampoo” is interchangeable with “luxury cars” in some places.)

Today’s Random Thought

5 Mar

China has announced today that they will lower their annual GDP growth target from 8% to 7.5%. That matches the new minimum age requirement for factory workers.

The Elderly: A Series of (Very) Short Plays

4 Mar

(A young immigrant woman is responding to an old women’s request: Seeking help in household chores. Will offer room and board. Applicant must be spineless and willing to deal with my growing senility.)

APPLICANT: Miss? I’m here about the job offer.

OLD LADY: Oh, marvelous! You’re hired.

APPLICANT: Really? Just like that?

OLD LADY: Of course. Now, where are you from?

APPLICANT: Colombia. I moved here last year.

OLD LADY: Colombia? My friend Margaret’s housekeeper is from Jamaica! Those countries are close, right? Maybe you know him!

APPLICANT: No, those countries aren’t even cl-

OLD LADY: I’ll call Margie right away! Can you call my grandson first? Ask him where I put the cordless phone.

(A boy has just kicked a football through an old man’s window)

OLD MAN: You can’t just take windows for granted, you hear? Back in my day, we didn’t have windows. If we wanted to look outside, we had to cut a hole in the wall and –

BOY: But couldn’t you just go outside? You definitely had doors or something.

OLD MAN: Don’t sass me! I fought in Korea! I’m not going to let some long-haired, skateboarding youngster take advantage of me in my old age!

(Anyone paying attention up to this point would realize this boy has neither long hair nor a skateboard.)

BOY: Anyway, sorry about the window, mister. Do you want me to work it off, maybe?

OLD MAN:  Just forget it! My Metamucil’s kicking in.

Cathy Wern ’16. Admissions Essay at Bismarck University.

1 Mar

When I went to Costa Rica between my sophomore and junior years of high school to volunteer in a rural school, I thought  I would be teaching the children. But nothing compared to the messages they taught me. As I watched the kids trudge through eight miles of alligator-infested rainforest in dirty clothes, taking occasional sips from old jugs of brackish water, I instantly understood that I am very fortunate. I come from an excellent background and a wealthy, supportive family, the kind that can pay for my college education with no financial aid. As I saw kids reenacting sword fights with sticks through the window of the air-conditioned Range Rover, I learned that even in the face of a struggle, it is possible to love life and be happy. Did they fill themselves with apathy and whine about it as their indigenous culture disappeared at the hands of the white man? They most certainly did not. They smiled, filled their hearts with jubilation, euphoria, bliss, and joviality, and made the best of their situation. I like to call that life lesson “Costa Rican smiles.”

When I hiked Mt. Ranier with my youth group of blind, deaf, quadriplegic orphans, I committed to wearing a “Costa Rican smile” and made sure to encourage all of my hiking partners to enjoy the experience too. I forced my hiking teammates to overcome their physical and mental challenges as I dragged their entirely paralyzed bodies up the sheer ice faces of Mt. Ranier. I became a true leader that frigid day on the slopes, as I watched my impaired friends follow me on a path to achieving their goals. So when I got home and attended meetings for my Model UN, NCL, Debate, Student Council, Poetry, Computers and Technology, and Fashion Design clubs, I communicated with a louder voice and participated more. Younger members of the club began to ask me questions after club meetings like, “How do you balance your intelligence, athleticism, friendliness and inner beauty with your charity work?” or “How do you use your intelligence to become a leader in the community?” And I did it all with a “Costa Rican smile.”

I’m obviously a leader, and one with a passion for philanthropy. The fact that my parents sent me to Costa Rica to watch poor people for a week should convince you I am the perfect applicant for Bismarck University, and the sheer cookie-cutterness of my extracurriculars list should amaze you. For the last four years I have deliberately sold my soul to become the least interesting high-schooler in America, and I expect you to acknowledge this with an acceptance letter. Once again, they can pay.

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