Tag Archives: gop

Today’s Random Thought

11 Sep

Today I saw a little girl having a tea party with her dad. It’s a shame political ideas were being impressed upon her at such a young age.

DIY Convention Speech

5 Sep

Some of you may know, I am (state)’s first (elected office) of (ethnicity) descent. When my (distant ancestor) came to this great country, they believed in freedom. They worked day in, day out as a (profession), even with their chronic (joint) aches. They did everything in their power to make sure I got an education, and I want every child to have that same opportunity. Who is going to bring you that chance? (Nominee)! It has to be (nominee)! It’s in your hands! (Nominee’s opponent) wants to destroy the middle class, raise taxes, and (unspeakable atrocity)! This November, make the right choice!


Some of you may know, I am Wyoming’s first Director of Weights and Measures of Polynesian descent. When my Great Uncle came to this great country, he believed in freedom. He worked day in, day out as a goat slaughterer, even with his chronic neck aches. He did everything in his power to make sure I got an education, and I want every child to have that same opportunity. Who is going to bring you that chance? Romney! It has to be Romney! It’s in your hands! Obama wants to destroy the middle class, raise taxes, and assemble a slave army of your children to find and destroy the Ten Commandments! This November, make the right choice!

Buzz Aldrin to Romney: “I Walked There, Too!”

2 Sep

TAMPA (Lighter Side of the Moon) – Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon as part of the Apollo 11 mission, has released a press statement expressing his anger at not being mentioned during Mitt Romney’s nomination speech at the RNC.

During his speech, Romney exalted Aldrin’s partner in the mission, Neil Armstrong, calling him “the ideal American” and proclaiming “God bless Neil Armstrong”. Aldrin was never spoken of.

In his statement, Mr. Aldrin was indignant at being snubbed from Mitt’s address. “I hope you realize my footprints are there, too,” he wrote. “It was the most unfortunate coin toss of my life, and you reopened old wounds,” Aldrin added.

Aldrin also mentioned another famous second-in-command: “The Republicans must have mentioned Joe Biden a hundred times over the course of the convention. How many moon rocks did he bring back?”

Mike Collins has yet to comment on the matter.

Today’s Random Thought

30 Aug

Who’s idea was it to put the RNC on at 10 pm EST? They booked the convention in a state full of old people.

Mitt Romney on a Sunday Afternoon

22 May

Last week, Mitt Romney held an exclusive brunch at one of the homes in our town. Obviously, the best way for Mitt to avoid my ridicule is to show up at an intimate social setting in the largest mansion in town. So, without further ado, some choice sound bites from the campaign brunch on Sunday.

“America is a land of hard workers. The people are ready to go find a job, but Barack Obama is preventing them. We need someone in-touch with the everyman, someone who gets people like this waiter! While I have your attention, Pablo, I think we ran out of smoked salmon. Oh, and ease up on the caviar. Prices are soaring since belugas went on the endangered species list.”

“I’m sick of the way airlines get special tax exemptions. I try to boycott their businesses because of the way they abuse the consumer. That’s why I always fly charter.”

“Oh, you’re from Mexico? My father was born there. Don’t you just love Acapulco in May? Hello? Hablas inglés? Where is your green card?”

“The American textiles industry has a lot of growth potential. In fact, it could be one of the biggest job producers. My sweater? Oh, this is hand-made Peruvian cashmere. Please don’t touch it.”

Hi, I’m Mitt Romney. Prepare to Be Charmed.

16 Apr

INTERVIEWER: Well Mitt, this isn’t your first rodeo. You’ve obviously been a candidate many times before; do you think your opinions have wavered?

MITT: Well, if there’s one thing I’m sure about, it’s that America’s got a candidate it can finally relate too. Look at that: I said “got” instead of “has”. How hip and relatable! I’ve got some bright ideas that’ll really wow the voters – but not too much. A moderate degree of wowing can be expected.

INTERVIEWER: Some voters say you’re too rich to be president. Your response?

MITT: I’m comfortable economically. I don’t have to worry about my next paycheck. In fact, I’m unemployed! I understand how Americans feel. Some nights, I’ll sit in front of the fire with my sons, drink some hot cocoa, and talk about the dollar’s fluctuations and foreign energy, and it all feels very real to me.

INTERVIEWER: Are you at all nervous about opposing Barack Obama this year in a general election?

MITT: All I can say is, it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there. And Mitt Romney sure can bark!  Figuratively, of course. I’m clearly not a dog. Anyways, I’m prepared to counter Obama with my sharp wit, firmness on the key issues, and connection to the youth of America. Obama can play basketball, but can he play Romneyball? Again, another joke.

INTERVIEWER: What’s your opinion on the recent portrayals of you on SNL?

MITT: Over the years, I’ve learned not to trust my sense of humor. But according to my staff, I think it’s “funny, but a little biased.” Heck, I can’t even stay up for that show. I just think it’s fantastic that people can say what they want to, satirize their favorite presidential candidate, and it’s called culture! God bless America…

Sidharth Sings for the Elderly

11 Apr

(Three elderly men, liver spots and all, are seated around a circular table. General nursing home hubbub goes on around them.)

MILFORD: So who do you think’s going to win the Wisconsin primary? I don’t care just as long as he repeals everything that Muslim communist has done in the last four years.

SHLOMO: Back in the old country, I would trudge nine miles to a voting booth, only to have the muzzle of a gun shoved in my back. There was no freedom in that horri-

WALT: Where’s Wisconsin? Hahahaha.

MILFORD: Oh look, another visitor. Eighty two years old and I can’t even finish a crossword puzzle.

(An elementary student enters the door and stands next to the table.)

SIDHARTH: Hello, I’m Sidharth. I’m in the third grade and I’m here to sing songs for you!

WALT: My cashier at PriceChopper is named Nikhil. Do you know him?

MILFORD: Of course, Obama sends more handouts. He probably thinks we’re too old and infirm to afford our own singers, but I’ll show the liberal I’m fiscally independent!

SHLOMO: In the old country, there were no singing handouts. If we wanted music, we sold potatoes at the market to buy the sheet music. That’s the kind of message we need to send to good little boys like Snidgarth.

SIDHARTH: Sidharth.


SIDHARTH: You said Snidgarth. I am Sidharth.

SHLOMO: Spidlarth, begin your singing!

SIDHARTH (singing): My country ’tis of thee, sweet land of liberty…

WALT (yelping): I can’t get no satisfaction… I love Mick Jagger!

MILFORD: Walt! Stop yelling. This little ethnic child is going to pay for our Medicare someday.

SIDHARTH(walking away): I can’t take this anymore! Milford – you’re really bigoted. Walt – you can’t hold a conversation, and Shlomo – you’re from Passaic!

Today’s Random Thought

19 Mar

Exit Poll: 70% of voters hoping to keep Santorum in the race are comedy writers.

Newt Gingrich’s Epic Blunder

18 Feb


JACKSON (Lighter Side of the Moon) –

While campaigning in Jackson, Mississippi this week, Newt Gingrich angered many black supporters after calling on them to “cast their three-fifths of a vote” for him.

This comment has been a major blow to the Gingrich campaign, and his popularity in polls has waned severely among many key demographics. Many Mississippi voters say this gaffe will cost Gingrich their vote.

Caroline Jones, 34, was in attendance at the rally. “I already knew Newt was an extreme racist, I mean, how can you not, but this really just put it front and center.”

A Gingrich spokesperson said at a press conference that Newt was unaware of his mistake while onstage, but after his speech quickly realized his error.

“He didn’t really know what the Thirteenth Amendment was, but after his staff explained it, Newt felt incredibly apologetic,” added the spokesperson.

Gingrich has not made an official announcement since the speech, but he is rumored to be choosing a woman of color as his next mistress, to prove he is accepting of all people. The Gingrich campaign would not answer calls to confirm this.

Freshman Tries to Be Sophomoric

18 Dec

My cousin Harris said I need to include more kid’s jokes on my blog. So here goes:

SCENE: (The Book Worm is a small independently-owned book store on Oak Street. They are having a celebrity author, Steve Buttface come talk about his choice in the GOP race, along with an esteemed local politician, Selectman Cathy Poopyhead. A small crowd has arrived to hear their intellectual back-and-forth.)

Buttface: In my opinion, Newt really doesn’t have what America needs in terms of a role model. We need someone who displays excellent morality, and a willingness to sacrifice himself for his country.

(Buttface farts violently as Poopyhead prepares her retort. The book store staff is quickly overwhelmed with orders for scented bookmarks.)

Poppyhead: You know, I agree with you on some level, but we need a good leader before a good person. I would happily elect a candidate whose leadership potential is such that it overshadows his somewhat flawed personal life.

Buttface: Cathy, I agree with you on some level, but I dream of the day when both qualities can reside in one candidate. Unfortunately, I have yet to see that in anyone running this year.

(Poopyhead prepares a chart showing approval ratings in major swing states. Instead, she accidentally comes upon a picture of Calvin urinating on key figures in the Democratic National Party. The crowd erupts in laughter.)

Buttface: You know, a great philosopher once said, “All men’s souls are immortal, and so is the left bumper.”

Poopyface: That’s not a real quote! Name your source!

Buttface: The Socrates pinball machine at Dave & Buster’s.

(Buttface pauses for a moment and excuses himself, as his publisher is calling. Apparently, the conversation was being reported on by several national news outlets. Sales of his book, I Feigned Intelligence and You Can Too, are plummeting due to his referencing arcade games. The book store staff quickly takes the microphone and announces that the book-signing has been cancelled. The crowd, feigning intelligence, sits down and shouts that they are occupying the book store. Within minutes, several pizzas arrive, having been donated by the “Poopyface 2012” campaign.)


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