Tag Archives: gop race

A DIY Primary Victory Speech

21 Jan

As if everything presidential primary nominees say isn’t written for them, I’ve decided to make this fill-in-the-blank victory speech and sell it to nominees for ridiculous prices. The best things in life aren’t free.

“Good [time of day]! We really did it today! Thanks so much to my campaign staff, my family, and most importantly, the great people of [state]! It is my honest opinion that the biggest threat to America today is [current president], and I will not stop until [current president] stops bringing this country down with him! We can beat him! Now, as we look towards [state], [state], and eventually [state], we need to keep working! This is our chance! We can change America for the better! With [domestic problem], [international problem], and threats from [hostile country] challenging our lifestyles every day, we need a president like [speaker]! We can do it everybody! [Speaker] for president, [year]!”

Freshman Tries to Be Sophomoric

18 Dec

My cousin Harris said I need to include more kid’s jokes on my blog. So here goes:

SCENE: (The Book Worm is a small independently-owned book store on Oak Street. They are having a celebrity author, Steve Buttface come talk about his choice in the GOP race, along with an esteemed local politician, Selectman Cathy Poopyhead. A small crowd has arrived to hear their intellectual back-and-forth.)

Buttface: In my opinion, Newt really doesn’t have what America needs in terms of a role model. We need someone who displays excellent morality, and a willingness to sacrifice himself for his country.

(Buttface farts violently as Poopyhead prepares her retort. The book store staff is quickly overwhelmed with orders for scented bookmarks.)

Poppyhead: You know, I agree with you on some level, but we need a good leader before a good person. I would happily elect a candidate whose leadership potential is such that it overshadows his somewhat flawed personal life.

Buttface: Cathy, I agree with you on some level, but I dream of the day when both qualities can reside in one candidate. Unfortunately, I have yet to see that in anyone running this year.

(Poopyhead prepares a chart showing approval ratings in major swing states. Instead, she accidentally comes upon a picture of Calvin urinating on key figures in the Democratic National Party. The crowd erupts in laughter.)

Buttface: You know, a great philosopher once said, “All men’s souls are immortal, and so is the left bumper.”

Poopyface: That’s not a real quote! Name your source!

Buttface: The Socrates pinball machine at Dave & Buster’s.

(Buttface pauses for a moment and excuses himself, as his publisher is calling. Apparently, the conversation was being reported on by several national news outlets. Sales of his book, I Feigned Intelligence and You Can Too, are plummeting due to his referencing arcade games. The book store staff quickly takes the microphone and announces that the book-signing has been cancelled. The crowd, feigning intelligence, sits down and shouts that they are occupying the book store. Within minutes, several pizzas arrive, having been donated by the “Poopyface 2012” campaign.)


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