Archive | May, 2014

Ad Hocked

31 May

Hey, it’s Crazy Pete of Crazy Pete’s House of Unpainted Furniture here and I want to tell you about a crazy sale I’m putting on! Wow! Unpainted maple bedframes for only $200! Wow! I guess that’s why they call me Crazy Pete! Wow!

Hi again, it’s Crazy Pete back to tell you about another great sale! Unpainted and unfinished dining room sets for only $500! Wow! This is why they call me Crazy Pete! So crazy! Wow!

What’s up, it’s Crazy Pete! Call a doctor, because I’ve really gone crazy with this latest sale! Only $199 for four unfinished chairs! Wow! Nobody does crazier sales than Crazy Pete! Wow!

Hey, hey, hey, it’s Crazy Pete. You might want to restrict my access to firearms because I’m really going crazy! Only $299 for an unsanded wooden toilet seat? Wow! Crazy Pete!

Howdy, it’s Crazy Pete and all of my loved ones are trying to keep me off the bottle – because I’m going totally crazy! $400 for a table? Wow, that’s crazy!

Ahoy, it’s Captain Crazy Pete here with another swashbuckling sale! Pirate themed playsets for the kids at only $99? Arggh! That’s a sale so crazy, I’m having dissociative episodes! I really think I’m a pirate! Arggh!

Hello, it’s Crazy Pete, and I’m running a sale so crazy, my wife and daughter are afraid of me! But you won’t have to be afraid of the prices on my complete line of lawn furniture! Wow!

Hiya! It’s Crazy Pete of Lakeview Psychiatric Facility’s Rehabilitative House of Macaroni Art! I’m running a sale so sane, you might just feel comfortable reviewing my parole application! Please?

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Realistic Viagara Ad

19 May

(Middle-aged man with long flowing hair drives a convertible down a country road. His wife is in the passenger seat.)

NARRATOR: You’re at the age where you know what you’re doing.

(Same man fires up a chainsaw.)

NARRATOR: You’ve earned the right to walk around with confidence.

(Man walks down a boardwalk with aforementioned wife.)

NARRATOR: You have the experience to know that being yourself is the only way to live.

(Man is seen performing as a mime on the street.)

NARRATOR: But your body doesn’t work as well as it once did.

(Man pauses during a jog visibly winded.)

NARRATOR: Your belly is starting to make strange noises and you’re too lazy to care.

(Man shrugs whimsically.)

NARRATOR: Your day is now punctuated by hourly naps.

(Man falls asleep at the wheel of the convertible.)

NARRATOR: You’re a man. And men get to make inappropriate comments to waitresses.

(Man nervously enters a Hooters.)

NARRATOR: You’re approaching the age where your racist comments are amusing, not offensive.

(Man crosses the street while approaching a minority.)

NARRATOR: You plan to die sitting in front of your television.

(Man reclines in a La-Z-Boy chair.)

NARRATOR: But just because you’re getting older doesn’t mean your lifestyle has to change.

(Man lays in a hammock wearing nothing but his underwear.)

NARRATOR: Viagara is trusted by men everywhere to maintain the mediocre lives they lived before their mid-life crisis. Ask your doctor if Viagara is right for you. If not, go buy a sportscar.

 

 

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Running of the Bullies

11 May

Anyone using Yik Yak can turn a school into a virtual chat room where everyone can post his or her comments, anonymously.  Untruthful, mean, character-assassinating short messages are immediately seen by all users in a specific geographic area. – Fox News

SCENE: A school staff meeting. The principal is addressing a group of teachers. The mood is apprehensive, solemn.

PRINCIPAL: As I’m sure many of you have noticed, the students are currently obsessed with an app. It’s called Yik Yak, and it’s being used to bully other children. There are some really cruel jokes on there and some of them even mention faculty members by name.
(The teachers remain silent, somewhat disinterested.)
PRINCIPAL: I know this might be hard to hear for many of you, that your own students are mocking you online, but I think it’s important that we address this issue. Allow me to read some recent posts. (takes out phone and begins to read aloud) The first one says “Mr. Haufstetder reeks of vodka and sadness.” I’m just going to let that one sink in.
(Teachers are again unresponsive.)
PRINCIPAL: People, I know that we as a faculty have come to terms with Mr. Haufstetder drinking at school, but the students really can’t know about this. It damages our credibility. Let me read another one. “Mrs. Rosenstein’s psoriasis is worse than her teaching.” (weighty pause) Linda, I’m really sorry you had to hear that.
(Some teachers giggle quietly.)
PRINCIPAL: You have to be concerned about this! There are new posts coming in as we speak. Here, listen. “This meeting is a bigger joke than our pensions.” (long pause) Wait, what meeting are they talking about? Are you posting on Yik Yak?
(Teachers burst out laughing.)
PRINCIPAL (reading off phone): “The female teachers at this school are so fugly, I’m considering having an affair with a lunch lady.” This is abhorrent. Show some respect!
(Feverish typing fills the room.)
PRINCIPAL: “Mark Price is a walking ad for abortion.” You can’t say that about a student! They read these.
(More typing, laughter.)
PRINCIPAL: “Is nobody going to point out that Principal Hagerty started wearing a toupee?” It’s not like everyone hadn’t already noticed that, but was that really necessary? My wife made me start wearing it.
(Guffawing, chortling.)
PRINCIPAL: “Hailey Hunt coming to this school is the worst thing to happen since the Common Core.” That’s a child you’re talking about. All of you, stop this immediately. It’s not like everyone didn’t already know Mr. Haufstetder was a drinker. Everybody at this school has noticed Mrs. Rosenstein’s psoriasis. Again, sorry Linda.  You’re all small people, taking shots at easy targets. How about you write something we didn’t all know already?
(Quiet typing from the back of the room.)
PRINCIPAL (defeated): “Principal Hagerty’s fly has been unzipped this entire meeting.” That’s something we didn’t already know. Meeting adjourned.

 

 

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Moms Shocked To Learn Prom is Actually Not For Them

1 May

Mothers across the country are in a state of disbelief today after discovering that their children’s proms are actually intended to be enjoyed by their children.

Understandably, mothers were outraged at the news. “Prom was supposed to be the most special night of my life,” said Lindy Wold, a mother of a high school junior. “I just wanted to feel like a princess and live vicariously through my daughter on my own special night. They took that away from me.”

“Getting to put on that beautiful dress and ride in a limo is something we all expect to imagine doing at our daughter’s prom,” Ms. Wold said. “And now I can’t.”

Sheila Diewyncezki, owner of Little Miss Glamorous dress boutique, is concerned about how this sudden realization will affect her business. “I sell a ton of dresses around prom every year,” she said. “Not for the girls, but for their moms to wear in the pictures. I don’t know if I’ll survive this, I really don’t.”

One of the biggest complaints coming from the mothers is that their ability to take pictures will be limited by the changes. Betty Palder bought a new camera for her daugter’s prom. “It’s not just about taking pictures of them all dressed up,” she said. “It’s about documenting the night.”

“I wanted to be there when she got out of the limo,” Ms. Palder said. “I wanted to be there when she had her first dance. When she left the prom. When she succumbed to the influence of peer pressure. I wanted to be there with the camera when she did something she’d certainly regret in the morning. And now they won’t let me.”

This maternal presence has even created a negative influence on teens. “All I really want to do is go to prom, dance a little, then maybe watch a movie with some friends,” junior Willy Placid said. “But because of my mom, now I feel like I have to get in trouble and make mistakes.”

Some experts are saying this development could have widespread ramifications on the whole prom industry. Lydia Von Sluice is one such expert. “We’re seeing kids skip out on the corsage, the boutonniere, all the traditional prom affectations to defy their mothers,” she said. “Surprisingly, it seems like kids don’t really want their moms there with them on prom night.”

“It turns out that kids never really cared about any of it. They were just doing it because their mom said it was what she would do,” she added.

At this stage, it appears the mothers are holding firm on keeping graduation solely for their enjoyment.

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