Online dating can be a minefield of misunderstanding. Piercing the veil of smoke in self-written profiles is nearly impossible for many people. The first dates are often fraught with confusion when the online descriptions don’t translate into reality. The following is a guide on how to imagine the first date based on information from the web:
“Hi, I’m Kiki. I am a classy, articulate girl who loves to have new experiences. I am thrifty, optimistic, and I always speak my mind. My passions include horseback riding and the theatre.”
“classy, articulate”
KIKI: Do you drink a lot of wine?
YOU: Not really, no.
KIKI: Well, you really should try this Bordeaux. The layers of apricot and pear really pair nicely. It’s got this bold flavor, but I just can’t quite figure what it is…
YOU: Red wine?
KIKI: No, it’s something more than that. They were just talking about it in Wine Aficionado, which is a magazine that I subscribe to.
YOU: Interesting.
KIKI: You can basically tell how good a wine is by how many vowels there are in the name.
“thrifty”
KIKI: I’ll have the filet mignon, please.
WAITER: Eight or twelve ounces?
KIKI (to you): You’re paying, right?
YOU (to Kiki): Uh, I guess so, yeah.
KIKI (to waiter): Fourteen ounces, please.
WAITER: Okay.
KIKI (to waiter): And can I just get two lobster tails on top of that?
WAITER: That will be a fifteen dollar surcharge.
KIKI: That’s fine, and can I just get an order of twenty-four oysters, please? Don’t bother bringing them to the table, I’m just gonna eat them some other time.
“optimistic”
KIKI: This date is going super well, right?
YOU: Yeah. Pretty super.
KIKI: I went to Cancun last summer and it was so beautiful. I can totally see us getting married there. On the beach at sunset, it’d be so gorgeous.
YOU: My parents were in Mexico last year and – wait, what?
“I always speak my mind”
KIKI: The lady behind me is farting like a bulldog.
The Lighter Side of the Moon 