Archive | February, 2014

Eggheads

26 Feb

(A teacher is seated at his desk in front of a class. The students prepare to deliver history presentations.)

TEACHER: Thanks for having these presentations ready, guys. I know they seem like a pain now, but they will really help you in life. I promise you that.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconstruction in the Deep South.
TEACHER: It’s so important – sorry to interrupt. It’s so important to be able to speak to your peers like this. It really is.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconstruction in the Deep-
TEACHER: Like, you walk into the teacher’s lounge everyday and that smug geek from the math department’s eating your sandwich again. You need to talk to him and clearly let him know how you feel. That’s why I have you do these speeches.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconst-
TEACHER: He totally knows it’s your sandwich, too! Every day, he just forgets that the egg salad in the Tupperware with my name on it isn’t his. Like who does that?
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main prop-
TEACHER: And you walk in there and he’s standing by the fridge with that smug little grin. He’s got egg salad all around his mouth and he’s just looking at you like he’s got his hand in the cookie in the jar. At that point, in these circumstances, you just need to stand up and say something, am I right? That’s why we do this in class. To prepare for you crap like this.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a ma-
TEACHER: And then the next day, he doesn’t even that audacity to hide the sandwich. He’s parading the egg salad around so everyone can see his conquest. He’s got a mischievous little twinkle in his eye and you walk right up to him and you’re about to give him a piece of your mind, when he just wipes that defiled shell of a sandwich right underneath my nose.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes-
TEACHER: He’s drawing me into the ring. He’s the pauncey matador luring the bull into the ring. But this bull isn’t just going to scratch the dirt and snarl. I came to play.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hay-
TEACHER: I throw the chump against the refrigerator and I start shoving the egg salad into his face. And he’s breaking into a cold sweat and staring into my eyes like they’re two smoking gun barrels. I’m there feeling pure power, every little cog in my toned physique creating me into one massive, pulsing muscle.
STUDENT: Rutherford B-
TEACHER: Looking past his eyes and into his soul, I know that this coward has already surrendered. Silently, he’s telling me, “I always knew it was yours. It was your name on the Tupperware. It was your egg salad.”
STUDENT: Rutherfo-
TEACHER: He has surrendered, but I am merciful. I take my arm off his throat, waving the sandwich in the air as a glorious flag of victory.
STUDENT: Ruthe-
TEACHER: Meanwhile, the entire teaching faculty has gathered around. Inspired by my swift and righteous act of justice, they stand behind me in unwavering support. Breaking the deafening silence, the principal, “Now, tell him off once and for all!”
STUDENT: Ru-
TEACHER: In my mind, I prepare the most elegant, graceful, and passionate piece of oratory this world has ever known. Supreme in its diction, unparalleled in its passion, I bask in the glory of this moment.
STUDENT: (breath)
TEACHER: I steady my breath, plant my feet, and prepare to bring this sad sack to his knees with the thundering force of the spoken word.
STUDENT: So, what’d you end up saying?
TEACHER: Oh, I just walked away. I don’t do well at public speaking.

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Thank You for Flying With Us

23 Feb

(Passengers board a large plane. Some of the most striking characters include a grossly obese and sweaty gentleman (Preston), a very elderly woman (Eustice) and her grown daughter (Carla), and a lady (Gloria) with her dog in the seat next to her. An airline representative boards the plane and picks up the microphone.)

AIRLINE REP: Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman, it appears we have over-booked today’s flight by just one customer and we would like to offer a fantastic deal to one lucky volunteer today. If you would like to wait just two hours we can put you on a plane to your destination and offer you either a cash payment or an airline voucher. Which one would you all rather?
CROWD (loud and agreeing): Cash!
REP: Ok, we will be offering a voucher today. Thank you for your input. The voucher is worth $200 to be used on a future flight.
CARLA (to Eustice): Mom, maybe you should take the deal.
EUSTICE (replying): Oh, and come back tomorrow?
CARLA: Yeah, tomorrow. Or next week. Or never.
EUSTICE: Do you think it’s worth it for $200?
CARLA: Can we buy a sense of humor with that money?
REP: We are now offering a $250 voucher. Again, we cannot take off until someone agrees to give up their seat on this flight.
PRESTON: Can you sweeten the deal a little bit?
REP: Maybe, what are you asking for?
PRESTON: Can you make it $300 and a bag of Terra Blues?
REP: I’m not going higher than $250.
PRESTON: Let’s do $275 and the bag of chips.
REP: I can give you $250 and mixed nuts.
PRESTON: $250 and Terra Blues?
REP: You’re not getting the Terra Blues.
PRESTON: (heavy breathing and profuse perspiration)
REP: We can’t take off until someone takes this voucher.
PRESTON: You’re holding firm on the Terra Blues?
REP: We’re holding firm.
PRESTON: No deal.
CROWD: Boo!
RANDOM PASSENGER: Screw you!
REP: Ladies and gentleman, please stay calm. We just need one volunteer to accept the voucher and the later flight.
EUSTICE (to Carla): I would take the offer but my luggage is already on the plane.
CARLA (replying): They will take it off for you. You should take the deal.
EUSTICE: But what would I do for dinner?
CARLA: There’s good food in the airport. Take the deal, Mom.
EUSTICE: You really think I should?
CARLA: I really think you should.
EUSTICE: I could use the money to come visit you another time.
CARLA: Don’t take the deal. Don’t take the deal.
REP: We are still waiting on someone to take the offer before we can take off. (gesturing to Gloria in the first row) Why not you, miss?
GLORIA: Oh, I’m sorry but I’m traveling with a child.
REP (questioning) Oh, where is your child?
GLORIA: In this cage. His name is Bacchus.
REP(understanding): Oh, you mean your dog.
GLORIA: I used Bacchus to get in the pre-boarding for people with infants. For the purposes of this flight, he is a child.
REP: Miss, would you mind holding Bacchus during the flight so we can board the final passenger in that seat?
GLORIA: No, I’m sorry. Bacchus needs his own seat. He’s a service dog.
REP (skeptical): What kind of service?
GLORIA: He chews all my food for me because of my colitis.
REP: Like a penguin?
GLORIA: Like a penguin!
REP: (shudders) Would anyone like to accept the offer so you can take off?

(Pilot exits the cockpit)

PILOT: How much is the offer?
REP: A $250 voucher and animal crackers.
PILOT: I’ll take it!
REP: Congratulations, sir!

(Pilot and Representative exit the plan.)

LOUDSPEAKER: Excuse me, ladies and gentleman, we are sorry to report that this flight will be delayed while we locate another pilot. We are offering a $300 flight voucher and a bag of Terra Blue chips to anyone willing to assume that responsibility.

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Service Club Annual Appeal

17 Feb

Dear Prospective Donor,

As you likely know, the Repairing the World Club at our school sponsors and annual service trip to an area in need. In recent years, our eagerness to serve has carried us to the mucky jungles of Nicaragua, to the barren expanses of Kenya, and even the bracing foothills of Nepal. In all of these places, the value of our efforts could be easily seen in the gracious smiles of those we were helping.

Keeping with tradition, our trip this year will occur in a region of tremendous need. Allow me to paint an image in your mind: The piercing cracks of street violence echo through fetid streets. Mothers cry out  for their children as the innocent youth shriek in anguish. Friends and neighbors spill blood for mere scraps of food, and sometimes resort to consuming each other when there is nothing else to eat. The wounded trample the throats of the fallen as they run toward dusty and crowded hospitals, praying that the untrained doctor’s blades will be swift as he haphazardly amputates. Over this chaotic scene presides a cruel and merciless tyrant who spits in the faces of his subjects from his gilded throne.

Clearly, Toronto has problems too endemic and overgrown for the native people to handle. The Repairing the World Club has to extend a life-rope to those drowning in the cesspool of Toronto with this year’s mission trip. Unfortunately, traveling to this remote and dangerous locale is prohibitively expensive. We require your financial assistance to bring the gift of charity to the Torontonians.

This trip will challenge the integrity of our determination and our capacity for empathy. We do not know how it feels to live and work under the world’s most whimsical mayor. We can not begin to understand the harshness of winter in the most efficient municipality at snow removal. How many tears have been shed in the cleanest city in Canada? How many dreams have been shattered living in America’s hat? How does it feel to pay more for hospital parking than for healthcare?

This year in Toronto, we resolve to make a change. We resolve to to empower, we resolve to engage, and we resolve to resolve. Resolving to resolve cracks in our resolve will resolve things in need of resolving. You too can be a part of this magical giving experience with a check made payable to: “The Repairing the World Club Beer Party/Paintball Retreat Fund”. We thank you in advance for your generosity.

Sincerely,

Alexandra Moraine
Fundraising Chair
Repairing the World Club
Beer Party/Paintball Retreat Committee

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