Tag Archives: teacher

Eggheads

26 Feb

(A teacher is seated at his desk in front of a class. The students prepare to deliver history presentations.)

TEACHER: Thanks for having these presentations ready, guys. I know they seem like a pain now, but they will really help you in life. I promise you that.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconstruction in the Deep South.
TEACHER: It’s so important – sorry to interrupt. It’s so important to be able to speak to your peers like this. It really is.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconstruction in the Deep-
TEACHER: Like, you walk into the teacher’s lounge everyday and that smug geek from the math department’s eating your sandwich again. You need to talk to him and clearly let him know how you feel. That’s why I have you do these speeches.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconst-
TEACHER: He totally knows it’s your sandwich, too! Every day, he just forgets that the egg salad in the Tupperware with my name on it isn’t his. Like who does that?
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main prop-
TEACHER: And you walk in there and he’s standing by the fridge with that smug little grin. He’s got egg salad all around his mouth and he’s just looking at you like he’s got his hand in the cookie in the jar. At that point, in these circumstances, you just need to stand up and say something, am I right? That’s why we do this in class. To prepare for you crap like this.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a ma-
TEACHER: And then the next day, he doesn’t even that audacity to hide the sandwich. He’s parading the egg salad around so everyone can see his conquest. He’s got a mischievous little twinkle in his eye and you walk right up to him and you’re about to give him a piece of your mind, when he just wipes that defiled shell of a sandwich right underneath my nose.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes-
TEACHER: He’s drawing me into the ring. He’s the pauncey matador luring the bull into the ring. But this bull isn’t just going to scratch the dirt and snarl. I came to play.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hay-
TEACHER: I throw the chump against the refrigerator and I start shoving the egg salad into his face. And he’s breaking into a cold sweat and staring into my eyes like they’re two smoking gun barrels. I’m there feeling pure power, every little cog in my toned physique creating me into one massive, pulsing muscle.
STUDENT: Rutherford B-
TEACHER: Looking past his eyes and into his soul, I know that this coward has already surrendered. Silently, he’s telling me, “I always knew it was yours. It was your name on the Tupperware. It was your egg salad.”
STUDENT: Rutherfo-
TEACHER: He has surrendered, but I am merciful. I take my arm off his throat, waving the sandwich in the air as a glorious flag of victory.
STUDENT: Ruthe-
TEACHER: Meanwhile, the entire teaching faculty has gathered around. Inspired by my swift and righteous act of justice, they stand behind me in unwavering support. Breaking the deafening silence, the principal, “Now, tell him off once and for all!”
STUDENT: Ru-
TEACHER: In my mind, I prepare the most elegant, graceful, and passionate piece of oratory this world has ever known. Supreme in its diction, unparalleled in its passion, I bask in the glory of this moment.
STUDENT: (breath)
TEACHER: I steady my breath, plant my feet, and prepare to bring this sad sack to his knees with the thundering force of the spoken word.
STUDENT: So, what’d you end up saying?
TEACHER: Oh, I just walked away. I don’t do well at public speaking.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

182 Days Left

27 Aug

Tomorrow is going to be my eleventh first day of school. If I’ve learned anything at all from these 1.1 decades of schooling, it’s that teachers, despite your most well-founded beliefs, have personalities. Let’s examine some of the personalities you might encounter on your first day:

The Systematic Organizer: So, I have a couple of little systems that I want to try in the classroom this year. We’ll start with when you walk in. Put your backpack over here when you come in in the morning, and place your homework in this bin. I’ll have a spreadsheet next to the bin every morning and if you could check your name when you turn your assignment in, that’d be great. Next, I’ll have a list of all school supplies you’ll need for the lesson on the board and if you have to borrow something, take what you want from the cabinets in the back of the room. Again, mark what you’re taking on the corresponding spreadsheet. However, you only get a certain amount of supply rentals. You can buy more with stickers, that I’ll give out for good behavior or answering a question correctly. Save your questions until the end, I’m only getting started.

The Scared from Last Year: Hello, children. I’ll have you know that this isn’t my first rodeo and will not be taken advantage of in this classroom. I don’t care how much trouble you’re having controlling your teenage behavior, I’m not going to take any nonsense in this room. And for those wild steeds that can’t be broken, I’ll have you know I’m very close to the principal and have no reserves about calling him regarding you kids. I expect you to remain quiet and attentive while I’m speaking, and will not tolerate any interruptions. I expect to have a classroom of mutual trust and respect, you hear me?

The One Year Left: Welcome, kids. I hope you are all looking forward to a fun year. This is my twenty-eighth year at this school, thirty-seventh as a teacher. I’ve been doing algebra for almost my entire life at this point, so if you have any questions, I’ll do my best to answer enthusiastically. I like to really get to know my kids each year, so let’s all say a little bit about our hobbies. Mine include golf, arriving late, and complaining about my family.

Tags: , , , , , ,

%d bloggers like this: