Tag Archives: recipe

The 5 Best Restaurants in Philadelphia

13 Jun

 

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1. El Juanete

This dingy hole-in-the-wall is considered the most authentic El Salvadorian spot in the city. Chef Rodrigo Carrera, who moonlights as a certified nursing assistant, is so committed to an authentic dining experience that he only serves citizens of El Salvador. Be sure to bring a birth certificate or two forms of government-issued identification when you arrive for your reservation.

 

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2. The Chuck E Cheese on Snyder Avenue

Trust us. Under the direction of new part-time manager Paulette Robinson, this upscale children’s bistro has become one of the hottest in the city. The intimate but refined environment features a lively arcade section and waiters dressed smartly in children’s snot. The upgraded menu includes quinoa-breaded Krazy Nuggets!™ and a Super Sausage Pizzazz Pizza™ baked without love by a Taiwanese man in a massive wood-fired brick hearth.

 

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3. Le Chien Mort

With prices like these, a restaurant better deliver. Thankfully, Le Chien goes above and beyond expectations every time. This rustic French establishment borders on stuffy with its classic decor and persnickety service, but the menu proves inventive time and time again by focusing on just one ingredient: dog meat. St. Bernard Kebabs with Farro Streusel and Doberman pot-au-feu are paired against Jamaican Jerk Cavalier King Charles Spaniel in this landmark tasting menu. Reservations are hard to get and dependent on supply, so follow the ASPCA Facebook page for culling schedules.

 

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4. Fish.

Fish. opened to a slow start two years ago, but has gained critical buzz since changing ownership last fall. Chef Waldo Fritz caused controversy with his concept, which spins the traditional seafood restaurant model on its head. Instead of the customer selecting his meal from the tank, a certified animal psychic will ask the fish which one would like to be eaten to you. This special attention to the ingredients leads to immaculately prepared dishes, assuming a fish deems you worthy of eating it. This reviewer was sadly not selected by any fish or crustaceans and went home hungry.

 

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5. 4631 Chestnut Street

Every once in a while, a restaurant can enter the realm of legend. 4631 Chestnut has done just that in the past two years through their total commitment to atmosphere. Their small street presence in a residential neighborhood makes the restaurant seem like just another family home. Don’t be turned away but the inviting exterior – you must knock to gain entry. A kindly old man will greet you at the door, but any mention of a reservation or fine dining experience will be returned with confusion. Only by saying that you were just in a car accident, are a lost child, or make a compelling pitch as a door-to-door salesman will you be invited inside for a tuna sandwich (prepared tableside). Peerless.

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7 Amazing Date Night Recipes You Could Use if You Weren’t So Unappealing

12 Jan

Inviting someone over for a homemade dinner is a bold and romantic move. A delicious dish can win their hearts, but there’s nothing more embarrassing than them not liking your cooking. You will never experience either of these results because you are unlikable and uninteresting and nobody wants to eat dinner with you. Here are 7 easy recipes you can include in your pointless fantasies.

1. Herb Roasted Chicken with Arugula and Cranberry Salad

This is a surprisingly simple recipe, but it takes a fair amount of prep time. But that’s not an issue, because you have lots of free time. Nobody has called to make plans. You don’t have any hobbies. It’s just day in, day out for you.

2. Wild Mushroom and Sherry Risotto

Unusual ingredients will suggest to your date that you have taste and class. Too bad you have neither of those things. You are a slob.

3. Seared Lamb Chops with Roasted Cherry Tomatoes

This savory dish goes great with a nice red wine. That’s pretty convenient considering your evening plans were to drink an entire bottle of red wine alone and fall asleep. Sexy!

4. Peppery Spaghetti Carbonara with Pecorino Romano

Spice up an old classic by substituting parmesan cheese with romano. Will anyone notice this subtle change? Maybe your coworker Jess might when she takes the leftovers you bring for lunch tomorrow. She always steals your food because she knows you don’t stand up for yourself and fear confrontation.

5. Mediterranean Fatoosh with Parsley

This is a flavorful dish that contains no meat and requires little prep work. If you ever meet someone that can look past the darkness in your eyes AND that person is vegetarian, try this recipe. I’m sure you’ll pretend to be vegetarian in a desperate attempt to find something in common with them.

6. Lemon and Mint Braised Chicken with White Beans

Your (non-existent) date will think you’re a master chef. But only you and I know that this recipe can be made by extremely inept people, such as yourself. The fresh mint will keep your breath ready for a little smooching after the meal. I’m sorry, I should not tease you like that. Nobody is kissing your ugly mug no matter what you cook.

7. Brown Butter Scallops for One

It’s not worth pretending anymore. You are alone. Deeply, hopelessly, inexorably alone. The earlier you accept it, the happier you will be. This delightful meal sized for one sad person will help you do that.

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A Word From Our Sponsors

21 Feb

Hi readers! I normally wouldn’t do this, but this post is going to contain no comedy. Instead, I’m handing the website over to my beloved father who is going to share a valuable investment opportunity with you. Read on for a chance to become rich beyond your wildest dreams.

 

Dear Readers of My Son’s Joke Website,

I’m excited to contact you today about a once-in-a-lifetime financial opportunity you can’t afford to miss.

Have you ever been dining in a Swiss-French restaurant and thought to yourself: “I wish this could be more convenient?” Do you know that feeling where you’re chowing down on some fondue or raclette and you think, “This is lovely, but I wish it didn’t take so long?” Well, here is your chance to get involved on the ground level of a fast food revolution. Introducing: Drive-Thru Fondue ®.

You might have thought that the only food that belongs in fast food is hamburgers and fries. But I’m here to tell you that the cauldrons of scalding oil, wheels of gooey cheese, and large quantities of raw meat and shellfish that characterize Alpen cuisine can have a place in your vehicle.

The premise is simple at Drive-Thru Fondue ®: approach the window, receive your order, and drive off with raw beef, shrimp, and scallops impaled on pointy forks and simmering in a steamy vat of boiling liquid. It’s just that easy.

The menu for Drive-Thru Fondue ® is constantly being improved, but it is built on a few core dishes. For appetizers, you have the classics. Raclette cheese, aged for over 180 days in a cave at every Drive-Thru Fondue ® franchise, is served with a disposable heat lamp to put on your dashboard. Keep the cheese warm and carve yourself some slices at stoplights. Cheese fondue is also a big mover. Our proprietary blend contains three gourmet cheeses and is served in a styrofoam container perfectly sized for your automotive cupholder. Avoid speed bumps, or the artisan French bread and decadent miniature vegetables might just fly out and cover your leather upholstery in molten Appenzeller. It is always fun when you find that rogue cornichon or pearl onion hidden underneath your seats, though…

For your entreé, indulge with Drive-Thru Fondue ®’s signature dish: Fondue Royale. With ample amounts of raw filet mignon and luxurious seafood, this affordable meal is sure to satisfy during your evening commute. Our simmering oil is a custom blend of 16 oils, 57 spices, and a tiny bit of witchcraft. When was the last time your dinner was exhilarating? Well, when our delicious recipe comes flying at your face and neck when you hit a pothole, you’ll know what it means to dine adventurously.

We at Drive-Thru Fondue ® are completely against distracted driving of all kinds. But, we are committed to food and road safety for our customers. Our ingredients are presented raw, which means they come laden with salmonella, E. Coli, tapeworms and other unseen assassins. While driving, avert your eyes from the road for a few moments to check that your food has been thoroughly heated. Additionally, be sure to completely sanitize all of your vehicle’s interior surfaces after handling all Drive-Thru Fondue ® fare.

Our first location is a huge hit in the local community and our grub is getting rave reviews every day. We were recently awarded four out of five forks by Fondue Fancy magazine, a leading industry publication. Furthermore, we were rated as “Adequate” by the local health department. Additionally, we are legally obligated to inform you of our “Abysmal and Life-Treatening” designation by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration.

Drive-Thru Fondue ® is ready to take the leap into the next level of fast food. We are looking for brand sponsors, franchisees, loose-moralled insurance executives and adept liability lawyers to be a part of the Drive-Thru Fondue ® family.

So join us. Open your wallets and come along for the ride. If you’re a hungry entrepreneur or simply a loyal patron of the fondue community, this is a can’t-miss opportunity to be a part of something big. It may seem like every big fast food chain is putting fondue on their menus these days. But remember:

At Drive-Thru Fondue ®, we fon-do it better.

Sincerely,

Heinz Sosnick
Restauranteur and Fondue Tycoon
Drive-Thru Fondue International

 

 

 

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Doctors Hate This: The ONE Weird Diet Trick You Can’t Afford to Miss

4 Feb

You. Yes, you. Are you looking to change your life? Is the food you’re eating keeping you healthy, spry, and full of vigor? But are you having fun? Are you looking to poison your body and mind with the food you eat, but have a great time while doing it? Then we have a diet for you.

Introducing the gluten-only diet. Carbs and starches 24/7. We’re talking artisan breads, luxurious pastas, and luxurious artisan breads. If that sounds delicious and uncomfortable, you’re right. Let’s walk you through it.

Breakfast, that’s easy. Two Pop-tarts, straight out of the microwave. But remember, this is the gluten only diet. Go ahead and scrape off that strawberry frosting. Siphon out the jelly filling with a syringe or small vacuum . Feel good yet?

For lunch, head on over to the altar of gluten, the cathedral of carbohydrates, Panera Breads. Grab yourself some clam chowder in a breadbowl. Then dump the clam chowder in a trashcan. Order a second empty breadbowl. Savor it. Enjoy yourself.

If you’re hungry, the gluten-only movement offers many great snack choices. Couscous, spätzle, matzoh. If you’re thirsty, have a beer or some soda, boiled down to just the syrup. Your mouth should feel dry and starchy, if you’re doing it right.

Dinner is the easiest meal of the day. Four words: Olive Garden unlimited breadsticks.

If you’re appetized by now, that’s normal. But know that the gluten-only movement isn’t all peaches and cream. In fact, peaches and cream are completely forbidden. You may gain 30 pounds in a week. You may go months without a bowel movement. Your body may be as doughy as the foods you’re eating.

This diet will test your willpower. A waiter might say “Do you want a side salad with that plain pasta?” to which you’ll reply: “No. I only eat gluten.” Your body will scream for a single baby carrot. Your belly will beg for roughage. But you can’t spell gluten-only without willpower.

Support is the bread and butter of any successful diet. With us, it’s just the bread. Our official gluten-only community, Flour Power, will be there for you every step of the way. Share wheat-based recipes, debate the pros and cons of spaghetti and linguine, and find solace in the company of others who eschew the devil of gluten from their lives.

Only gluten. Only happiness. www.breadheads.com

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Eggheads

26 Feb

(A teacher is seated at his desk in front of a class. The students prepare to deliver history presentations.)

TEACHER: Thanks for having these presentations ready, guys. I know they seem like a pain now, but they will really help you in life. I promise you that.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconstruction in the Deep South.
TEACHER: It’s so important – sorry to interrupt. It’s so important to be able to speak to your peers like this. It really is.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconstruction in the Deep-
TEACHER: Like, you walk into the teacher’s lounge everyday and that smug geek from the math department’s eating your sandwich again. You need to talk to him and clearly let him know how you feel. That’s why I have you do these speeches.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconst-
TEACHER: He totally knows it’s your sandwich, too! Every day, he just forgets that the egg salad in the Tupperware with my name on it isn’t his. Like who does that?
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main prop-
TEACHER: And you walk in there and he’s standing by the fridge with that smug little grin. He’s got egg salad all around his mouth and he’s just looking at you like he’s got his hand in the cookie in the jar. At that point, in these circumstances, you just need to stand up and say something, am I right? That’s why we do this in class. To prepare for you crap like this.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a ma-
TEACHER: And then the next day, he doesn’t even that audacity to hide the sandwich. He’s parading the egg salad around so everyone can see his conquest. He’s got a mischievous little twinkle in his eye and you walk right up to him and you’re about to give him a piece of your mind, when he just wipes that defiled shell of a sandwich right underneath my nose.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes-
TEACHER: He’s drawing me into the ring. He’s the pauncey matador luring the bull into the ring. But this bull isn’t just going to scratch the dirt and snarl. I came to play.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hay-
TEACHER: I throw the chump against the refrigerator and I start shoving the egg salad into his face. And he’s breaking into a cold sweat and staring into my eyes like they’re two smoking gun barrels. I’m there feeling pure power, every little cog in my toned physique creating me into one massive, pulsing muscle.
STUDENT: Rutherford B-
TEACHER: Looking past his eyes and into his soul, I know that this coward has already surrendered. Silently, he’s telling me, “I always knew it was yours. It was your name on the Tupperware. It was your egg salad.”
STUDENT: Rutherfo-
TEACHER: He has surrendered, but I am merciful. I take my arm off his throat, waving the sandwich in the air as a glorious flag of victory.
STUDENT: Ruthe-
TEACHER: Meanwhile, the entire teaching faculty has gathered around. Inspired by my swift and righteous act of justice, they stand behind me in unwavering support. Breaking the deafening silence, the principal, “Now, tell him off once and for all!”
STUDENT: Ru-
TEACHER: In my mind, I prepare the most elegant, graceful, and passionate piece of oratory this world has ever known. Supreme in its diction, unparalleled in its passion, I bask in the glory of this moment.
STUDENT: (breath)
TEACHER: I steady my breath, plant my feet, and prepare to bring this sad sack to his knees with the thundering force of the spoken word.
STUDENT: So, what’d you end up saying?
TEACHER: Oh, I just walked away. I don’t do well at public speaking.

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