Archive | April, 2013

A Typical Day in High School

27 Apr

(A Monday morning in high school. Two students are speaking to each other at a lunch table.)

STUDENT 1: Dude, my weekend was so crazy. I had a few kids over Saturday night, and things got pretty wild. (laughs)
STUDENT 2: Yeah, I had a pretty sick weekend, as well. I told, like, 20 kids to come over and it ended being about 150.
S1: My house was pretty trashed afterward. I spent all Sunday cleaning up. I’m pretty sure someone took my goldfish. They left the bowl and stuff, but the fish was just gone afterward.
S2: Same here. Someone did a belly flop out of a second floor window and shattered all of my patio furniture on the way down. I’m going to be grounded for months.
S1: Someone at my house brought a two-hundred foot hose to my house. During the party, I guess they ran it upstairs, hooked it up to the faucet outside and just started pumping water into my parents’ bedroom. Then, some other guy runs up the stairs with a bucket full of barely-alive fish, and he throws them all into the water and locks the door. The next day, after I waited for a lot of the water to leak down through the ceiling under the bedroom, I opened the door and it just reeked of stale water and dead fish. What a weekend.
S2: If you think that’s good, one of the kids that showed up to my house that night? Turns out, he’s a 46-year-old DEA agent who retired to live the life of his suspects. He moonlights as a street mime, and he has this beautiful motorcycle parked out front.
S1: Wait, what does the mime thing have to do with it?
S2: Absolutely nothing at all. So we get out to the motorcycle, and like clowns in a tiny car, we manage to cram thirteen kids on the bike at once. The mime guy just cranks the gas, and the next second we’re going 130 in a residential area. In a proud moment of defiance, some of us reach out and grab those plastic stand-up turtle things and embellish with all sorts of profane and anatomically-correct declarations of protest.
S1: I can top that. As I’m going outside to turn off the hose, one of the guests comes up to me and hands me a drink. I take one sip and I’m out like a light. I woke up hallucinating that I was the ham in a Cuban sandwich, so I’m so distracted and confused that I don’t realize where I am. A few minutes later, I realize I’m riding a statue of a horse in the middle of some bustling city square, and everyone around me is screaming and cheering in Spanish. Another few minutes, and I’m aware that I’m wearing full military garb from the waist up.
S2: Waist down?
S1: Moving on, I dismount the statue and start looking for the American embassy. As I’m looking for the embassy, the people in the streets just part like the seas in front of me, and they’re all just cheering “El capitán” as I walk past. The rest of the details are pretty foggy, but all I know is I woke up the next morning in my parents’ bed, wrapped up in the soaking sheets cozied up to a largemouth bass.
S2: I love the weekends.

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Cooking with Sass

19 Apr

(A young man walks into a Williams-Sonoma cooking supply store. He is greeted by a female sales assistant.)

EMPLOYEE: Hi! How can I help you today?
CUSTOMER: Hello, I’m looking to buy a birthday gift for my girlfriend. She likes cooking and I’m thinking of getting her something food-related. Like a whisk or something.
EMPLOYEE (giggly): Well, I don’t know if she’d really appreciate getting a whisk on her big day.
CUSTOMER (sheepishly): What do you recommend then?
EMPLOYEE: Have you considered any of our high-end specialty appliances? They’re a bit more expensive but they make a great gift.
CUSTOMER (confused): What are those? Appliances like a refrigerator?
EMPLOYEE: Oh, no. They’re a lot less useful than that. Here, come take a look. (walks toward wall lined with machines) This is a pie maker.
CUSTOMER: What?
EMPLOYEE: It’s an automatic pie maker. You just put the crust on the bottom, pour in your filling, close the lid, and it bakes the perfect pie.
CUSTOMER: Can’t you just do that in an oven?
EMPLOYEE: You could just do it in an oven, but this is not the ’40’s. You could just walk places, but the modern man drives.
CUSTOMER: I don’t think I follow that analogy…
EMPLOYEE: Alright, well what about this bread maker?
CUSTOMER (skeptical): That just seems like another oven.
EMPLOYEE: That’s fair. If you feel like cooking the Assyrian way. We also have the electric wok, if you’re interested.
CUSTOMER: Why not just put a normal wok on the stove? Isn’t that a lot cheaper?
EMPLOYEE: But with this you have the privilege of not using a stove.
CUSTOMER: Do you have anything else?
EMPLOYEE (becoming exasperated): Well, there’s the electric yogurt maker.
CUSTOMER: Excuse me? How much is that one?
EMPLOYEE: The yogurt maker is actually our second most affordable option after the panini press, at $129. But you do have to factor in another twenty bucks for the yogurt machine cleaner.
CUSTOMER: Why? What’s wrong with normal detergent?
EMPLOYEE: Well, normal soaps and dishwashers aren’t designed to handle appliances that purposefully incubate bacteria inside of then.
CUSTOMER: Yeah, that doesn’t sound safe to have in the house. Do you have anything less, you know, disease-breeding?
EMPLOYEE: The spice grinder is fairly sterile.
CUSTOMER: But what does it do?
EMPLOYEE: It lets you grind raw spices into the powders like you’d find in the supermarket in the comfort of your own home.
CUSTOMER: But where do you even get raw, unground spices? I don’t really have a contact with the Dutch East India Company.
EMPLOYEE: Actually, we do sell the spices here for use with it. They’re included with the grinder for an additional thirty dollars.
CUSTOMER: Of course they are. You know what, I think I’ll just go with the whisk.
EMPLOYEE: Are you looking for more of a dough whisk or a sauce whisk, because we have both. We also have an electric whisk if you want that kind of thing, too.
CUSTOMER: I think we’ll just order in dinner tonight.

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