Archive | September, 2012

Today’s Random Thought

30 Sep

How does Nielsen calculate ratings for Ryder Cup while taking into account the number of asleep viewers?

Latest iPhone 5 Bug Forces People to Live

26 Sep

Fresh off the heels of the iPhone 5 map problem, users are coming out with complaints about the new camera.

Jack O’Trough waited in an eight hour line for his new device. “The new camera is so easy to use, I get the shot on the first try,” he said. “In restaurants, it only takes me one or two shots to photograph my food, forcing me to look up and actually talk to whoever I’m eating with.”

Natalie Dunham had similar sentiments. “I always used my iPhone 4S to take pictures of my kids at the playground. But now that it’s so much faster to take a photo, my children always make me play with them. It’s a little unnerving.”

Others are finding the new camera interfaces confusing and time consuming. “I had heard such good things about the new panorama function,” Apple enthusiast Manuel Hidalgo posted on a tech review site. “I climbed a mountain to get the ideal test shot to put on my blog, and in the process rediscovered my connection to nature. Now I’m going to have to put ‘outdoorsy’ on all my online dating profiles.”

Though there has been no official announcement, there are rumors about a new software update that will keep the user’s eyes focused on the camera and less on the world around them.

Three Pounds of “A” Cut

21 Sep

(An elderly woman marches into her supermarket holding a brisket. She makes a beeline for the meat counter and plunks her tray down.)

WOMAN: Does this look like A-grade brisket? Does it?

BUTCHER: Brisket? How much?

WOMAN: This brisket. I ordered A-grade brisket and this is tough. It’s way too tough to be A-grade.

BUTCHER: No English. See manager. No English. Just cut brisket for gringos.

(The woman finds the meat manager at the front of the store.)

WOMAN: Last week, I bought three pounds of “A” brisket. I cooked it and it came out gray and tough. That sounds more like “B” to me.

MANAGER: I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do for you. You cooked the brisket and it didn’t turn out great. It’s unfortunate.

WOMAN: Do you mean to insinuate that I botched this brisket? I think that illegal behind the counter did when he gave me the B-grade cut.

MANAGER: Oh no, it’s not a problem with your cooking, it’s just that I can’t accept a gray brisket for a return.

WOMAN: So you see it, too. It’s a gray, tough brisket. Not the A-cut. Do you think, that with my recipe, a nice cut of beef would turn out like this? Frankly, it’s an insult to my honor.

MANAGER (irritated): Well, how’d you cook it? Because my mom always used to simmer it with gravy, trim the fat, and then use the fat to make the gravy.

WOMAN (appalled): Amateur. You leave the fat in the sauce, it’s what softens up the meat. Everyone knows that.

MANAGER (sarcastically): If it does such a good job softening the meat then, why does your brisket look like this?

WOMAN (angered): Don’t get fresh with me. I’ve been coming to this butcher for years now, and I know for a fact the old management would never have made such a debacle with their brisket. What you’re doing is unprofessional.

MANAGER (defeated): Fine, I can give you half off your next purchase, but that’s all-

WOMAN (with attitude): It’s un-pro-fessional. Wait until the girls in my bridge group hear about this.

MANAGER (manipulated): Fine. You can have three pounds of brisket on the house. Will that shut you up?

WOMAN: That’ll do. And I want the gravy, too. And have him wash his hands. He looked dingy.

MANAGER (exhausted): I’ll make sure he’s sanitary. I’ll bring you your order in fifteen minutes.

(Manager leaves.)

WOMAN (calling after him): Make sure it’s the “A” cut!

If You Give a Mouse a Cookie

16 Sep

If you work at a Sunday school kindergarten, the kids will want to sit on your lap.

If you let them sit on your lap, they will twist your fingers and play with your hands.

If you let them play with your hands, they will smack you with their yarmulke.

If you let them smack you with their yarmulke, they will poke you in the eyes with their sheet music.

If you let them poke you in the eyes with their sheet music, they will wipe their dirty, five-year-old hair on your skin.

Then they will have to go to the bathroom.

If you take them to the bathroom, they will intentionally touch you with their unwashed hands.

If they touch you with their unwashed hands, then they will throw soap foam at you while they wash their hands.

If they throw soap foam at you in the bathroom, then you will still sit quietly when their parents pick them up and say how great their kids are.

If you say how great their kids are, you will go home and sadly write a blog post about how young schoolchildren push you around.

And if you sadly write a blog post about how schoolchildren push you around, you will find yourself looking forward to the next Sunday.

Today’s Random Thought

11 Sep

Today I saw a little girl having a tea party with her dad. It’s a shame political ideas were being impressed upon her at such a young age.

Dos Equis Man for a Rough Economy

8 Sep

He is the cheapest man in the world.

He goes to Costco, tries the samples, and leaves.

He rubs himself with cologne advertisements from magazines before he goes out.

He takes purses from women at the supermarket, just to get their coupons.

He feigns nausea on airplanes for free bottled water.

He is the cheapest man in the world.

“I don’t always drink, but when I do, it’s always something I stole from the honor bar.”

DIY Convention Speech

5 Sep

Some of you may know, I am (state)’s first (elected office) of (ethnicity) descent. When my (distant ancestor) came to this great country, they believed in freedom. They worked day in, day out as a (profession), even with their chronic (joint) aches. They did everything in their power to make sure I got an education, and I want every child to have that same opportunity. Who is going to bring you that chance? (Nominee)! It has to be (nominee)! It’s in your hands! (Nominee’s opponent) wants to destroy the middle class, raise taxes, and (unspeakable atrocity)! This November, make the right choice!

Example:

Some of you may know, I am Wyoming’s first Director of Weights and Measures of Polynesian descent. When my Great Uncle came to this great country, he believed in freedom. He worked day in, day out as a goat slaughterer, even with his chronic neck aches. He did everything in his power to make sure I got an education, and I want every child to have that same opportunity. Who is going to bring you that chance? Romney! It has to be Romney! It’s in your hands! Obama wants to destroy the middle class, raise taxes, and assemble a slave army of your children to find and destroy the Ten Commandments! This November, make the right choice!

Buzz Aldrin to Romney: “I Walked There, Too!”

2 Sep

TAMPA (Lighter Side of the Moon) – Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon as part of the Apollo 11 mission, has released a press statement expressing his anger at not being mentioned during Mitt Romney’s nomination speech at the RNC.

During his speech, Romney exalted Aldrin’s partner in the mission, Neil Armstrong, calling him “the ideal American” and proclaiming “God bless Neil Armstrong”. Aldrin was never spoken of.

In his statement, Mr.¬†Aldrin was indignant at being snubbed from Mitt’s address. “I hope you realize my footprints are there, too,” he wrote. “It was the most unfortunate coin toss of my life, and you reopened old wounds,” Aldrin added.

Aldrin also mentioned another famous second-in-command: “The Republicans must have mentioned Joe Biden a hundred times over the course of the convention. How many moon rocks did he bring back?”

Mike Collins has yet to comment on the matter.

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