Tag Archives: jewish

A Coming of Age Story

19 Mar

Scene: A bar mitzvah. Mood is joyous; everyone excited to see little Joshua becoming a man.

EMCEE: Ok, everybody! Let’s get everyone out on the dance floor, because it’s time for the hora!
(Crowd begins to form on dancefloor. Relatives start to dance to Hava Negila. Non-Jewish guests stand around confused.)
EMCEE: Keep on dancing, but let’s get four strong men to the middle of the circle and lift Josh up!
(Four family members gather around a chair in the center. Josh is lifted, feigns happiness, secretly very scared.)
EMCEE: And now let’s get Mom out here! Debbie, come on out!
(Debbie is pushed toward center and sits in chair. The four strong men have disappeared.)
EMCEE: Alright, let’s lift her up – wait, where’d my lifters go? Let’s get four strong guys back out her! Hey, maybe five or six strong guys! Nobody? Really? It’s her son’s bar mitzvah, let’s help her celebrate! Uncles, cousins, family friends, get on out here and lift Debbie up! You’re her closest relatives, you really should do this. You supported Debbie through the weight gain, you should support her in a chair. What about the dancers? You guys are my employees. If you don’t get out here and lift this lady up, you’re fired! You’d rather be fired? That is surprising, to say the least. Hey, caterer! Some of you people looked strong. They won’t do it either? Josh’s friends! Some of you looked pretty developed! Get out here and lift your friend’s mom in a chair!
(Party-goers start to slow down their hora.)
EMCEE: Keep dancing, everybody! We’re going to get Debbie up in the air, I promise! Uh, what about the bouncers? Ernesto, Sergey – do me a big favor and come lift this nice lady up! Please, fellas, this is my paycheck.
(Emcee pulls an iPod Shuffle out of his pocket.)
EMCEE: I was saving this for whoever won Coke and Pepsi, but you made me do this, guys! First person to come out here and volunteer will get an iPod Shuffle. Please. Fifty dollar cash value! This is sad. You should all be ashamed.
(Hava Nagila ends. Crowd stops dancing.)
EMCEE: DJ, turn that song back on! Put it on repeat! We will not be moving on with this party until Debbie is hoisted in the air. In fifteen years of entertaining with Perfect Memories Events, every bar mitzvah mom has been lifted, and I do not plan on ending that streak today.
(Waitresses start bringing around platters of food.)
EMCEE: Yo! Cool it with the passed hors d’oeuvres! Nobody eats a pig in a blanket until Debbie gets lifted. Hey, Josh’s grandma – we all saw you take that mini egg roll, now put it back.
(Hava Negila ends a second time. Guests have largely left the dancefloor.)
EMCEE: Hey, Debbie, I’m really sorry. (brief pause) Kids, back on the floor for some Coke and Pepsi! We got an iPod Shuffle up for grabs!

If You Give a Mouse a Cookie

16 Sep

If you work at a Sunday school kindergarten, the kids will want to sit on your lap.

If you let them sit on your lap, they will twist your fingers and play with your hands.

If you let them play with your hands, they will smack you with their yarmulke.

If you let them smack you with their yarmulke, they will poke you in the eyes with their sheet music.

If you let them poke you in the eyes with their sheet music, they will wipe their dirty, five-year-old hair on your skin.

Then they will have to go to the bathroom.

If you take them to the bathroom, they will intentionally touch you with their unwashed hands.

If they touch you with their unwashed hands, then they will throw soap foam at you while they wash their hands.

If they throw soap foam at you in the bathroom, then you will still sit quietly when their parents pick them up and say how great their kids are.

If you say how great their kids are, you will go home and sadly write a blog post about how young schoolchildren push you around.

And if you sadly write a blog post about how schoolchildren push you around, you will find yourself looking forward to the next Sunday.

What if Rabbis Were Completely Honest in Bar Mitzvah Speeches?

29 Dec

“Working with Jeremy was not the best experience I’ve ever had with a student. Let’s just say he’s not the tastiest charoset on the seder plate. I think I speak for the whole congregation when I say we’re all surprised you made it this far. Hopefully, none of you noticed the many mistakes Jeremy made earlier this morning, since I know I did. Jeremy, here’s to you, your family, and your long future filled with further mistakes. Shabbat Shalom.”

“Chelsea was a delightful student, except for some things. First off, for the record, thank you Chelsea for coming up with such unoriginal analysis of your portion. It made my life much easier. However, you have that horrible nasally voice. I didn’t know anything could be so grating before meeting the Bat Mitzvah girl. And Mrs. Goldberg, Chelsea’s mom, you’ve got to relax a little bit. Oy gevalt, ever heard of micromanaging? Chelsea, congratulations, and go party. Your mother’s put in a lot of effort on this one.”

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