A Coming of Age Story

19 Mar

Scene: A bar mitzvah. Mood is joyous; everyone excited to see little Joshua becoming a man.

EMCEE: Ok, everybody! Let’s get everyone out on the dance floor, because it’s time for the hora!
(Crowd begins to form on dancefloor. Relatives start to dance to Hava Negila. Non-Jewish guests stand around confused.)
EMCEE: Keep on dancing, but let’s get four strong men to the middle of the circle and lift Josh up!
(Four family members gather around a chair in the center. Josh is lifted, feigns happiness, secretly very scared.)
EMCEE: And now let’s get Mom out here! Debbie, come on out!
(Debbie is pushed toward center and sits in chair. The four strong men have disappeared.)
EMCEE: Alright, let’s lift her up – wait, where’d my lifters go? Let’s get four strong guys back out her! Hey, maybe five or six strong guys! Nobody? Really? It’s her son’s bar mitzvah, let’s help her celebrate! Uncles, cousins, family friends, get on out here and lift Debbie up! You’re her closest relatives, you really should do this. You supported Debbie through the weight gain, you should support her in a chair. What about the dancers? You guys are my employees. If you don’t get out here and lift this lady up, you’re fired! You’d rather be fired? That is surprising, to say the least. Hey, caterer! Some of you people looked strong. They won’t do it either? Josh’s friends! Some of you looked pretty developed! Get out here and lift your friend’s mom in a chair!
(Party-goers start to slow down their hora.)
EMCEE: Keep dancing, everybody! We’re going to get Debbie up in the air, I promise! Uh, what about the bouncers? Ernesto, Sergey – do me a big favor and come lift this nice lady up! Please, fellas, this is my paycheck.
(Emcee pulls an iPod Shuffle out of his pocket.)
EMCEE: I was saving this for whoever won Coke and Pepsi, but you made me do this, guys! First person to come out here and volunteer will get an iPod Shuffle. Please. Fifty dollar cash value! This is sad. You should all be ashamed.
(Hava Nagila ends. Crowd stops dancing.)
EMCEE: DJ, turn that song back on! Put it on repeat! We will not be moving on with this party until Debbie is hoisted in the air. In fifteen years of entertaining with Perfect Memories Events, every bar mitzvah mom has been lifted, and I do not plan on ending that streak today.
(Waitresses start bringing around platters of food.)
EMCEE: Yo! Cool it with the passed hors d’oeuvres! Nobody eats a pig in a blanket until Debbie gets lifted. Hey, Josh’s grandma – we all saw you take that mini egg roll, now put it back.
(Hava Negila ends a second time. Guests have largely left the dancefloor.)
EMCEE: Hey, Debbie, I’m really sorry. (brief pause) Kids, back on the floor for some Coke and Pepsi! We got an iPod Shuffle up for grabs!

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