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7 Men Who Aren’t Really Fat, But Still Get Embarrassed When They Take Their Shirt Off to Go Swimming

27 Jul

Men. We all know some. Some are skinny. Some are fat. Some are in-between. But odds are, a lot of them feel a little shy when they have to take their shirt off and get in the water.

1. Mike

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Come on, Mike. Take off that shirt and get in the pool. We’re playing Marco Polo! Nobody will make fun of you, I promise.

2. Ralph

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I don’t care if your fair skin makes you prone to sunburns. Take it off. You look fine shirtless! There’s nothing to be ashamed of.

3. Bobby

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We drove 20 minutes to the municipal pool and you just want to spend the day eating cheeseburgers on the pooldeck? Take that dirty shirt off and get in the water!

4. Wayne

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Wayne, it’s Spring Break! We’re in Cancun! Get away from the beach bar and go boogie board with those betties in the water! You don’t have a Freshman 15. Wayne, it honestly just exacerbates the problem if you swim in a shirt.

5. President George Herbert Walker Bush

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Mr. President, pop that top off and get in! You’re the former leader of the free world, what do you have to fear? Besides, Sir, you’re 91. Your body looks fantastic for a man of your age.

6. You

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You went ahead and laughed at Mike, Ralph, Bobby, Wayne, and President Bush. But you know your body isn’t what it once was. And you know for damn sure that you want to spend that REI gift card you got for Christmas on a swimming shirt. But either way, the best way to hide your spare tire is under a big blanket of confidence! Get in the pool!

7. Me

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Secret’s out. I cringe when the moment comes to take my shirt off. That’s why I always cancel our beach plans at the last minute. It’s easy for me to mock the other guys from behind my computer. But really, it’s just a way for me to find comfort in numbers.

6 Adorable Corgis Who Are Doing Absolutely Nothing To Solve The Humanitarian Crisis In Syria

21 Apr
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    Look at this adorable corgi. He’s got one ear up and one ear down – it just might be the cutest thing you’ve ever seen! Too bad this dog isn’t doing anything to address the growing humanitarian crisis in war-torn Syria, where innocent civilians are being murdered by their own government.
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    What a sweet little pup. Those soulful eyes remind me of those of Syrian refugee children. But, whereas this selfish corgi is sad about not getting any dinner, the kids are sad about losing their childhood to a brutal civil war that has lasted 4 years and seems to have no end in sight. But do you think this callous pooch gives a hoot? No, he’d much rather sit pretty for the camera than offer help to the more than 7.2 million internally displaced people in urgent need of help.
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    Whoa, corgi butts! What a pleasant surprise! But is it still pleasant when you remember that more than 220,000 people have died in this conflict? This disrespectful dog cares more about his glutes than the rapid growth of ISIS and other extremist groups. How cute.
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    This silly corgi got into the dishwasher! He doesn’t belong there, just like how Bashar al-Assad doesn’t belong in the homes of everyday civilians, wielding chemical weapons and instruments of torture. Hey Corgi, did you know that? Probably not, because you’re too busy pooping on plates to do anything nice for someone else.
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    BONUS. CORGIS. I promised you six, but it looks like you’re getting eight. That’s a lot like how the 4 million refugees are told they will be exposed to zero diseases in the camps, but are actually exposed to at least 8. These immature, sleazy, soulless corgis could do something to help Syrians suffering from dysentery, malaria, and cholera. But something tells me they’ll just keep running around with their tongues out. Shame on them.
  6. enhanced-buzz-23027-1380121492-13
    Ha. Ha. Ha. What a silly dog. He’s taking a selfie in front of a cherry blossom tree. You think you’re so cute, you filthy animal. BUT PEOPLE ARE DYING. AN ENTIRE COUNTRY IS BEING DESTROYED. And all you care about is being the most popular pet on Instagram. You are going to Hell for this. May the Lord have mercy on your soul.

Which Hors D’Oeuvre Are You?

23 Mar

You wouldn’t be reading this if you weren’t racked by a nagging sensation that you’re an appetizer. But which bite-sized bundle of flavor are you? Take this quiz to find out!

1. Which of these outfits sounds most like something you would wear?

a. A t-shirt with a picture of a crostino on it.
b. A t-shirt with a picture of bruschetta on it.
c. A t-shirt with a picture of rumaki on it.
d. A single deviled egg on your head with no other clothing.

2. Your friends would describe you as…

a. Crisp and dry, like crostini.
b. Warm and juicy, like bruschetta.
c. Heavy and outdated, like rumaki.
d. Devilish and eggy, like a deviled egg.

3. Which of these sounds most like you at a party?

a. Standing in the corner, nursing a crostino.
b. Chatting with a group of bruschettas in the living room.
c. On the dancefloor, busting a move with a rumaki.
d. Standing on the kitchen table, yelling “Look at me! Look at me! I’m a deviled egg!”

4. Your favorite color is…

a. Crostini khaki.
b. Bruschetta carmine.
c. Rumaki umber.
d. Deviled egg.

5. Which of these famous quotes is your favorite?

a. “You must be the crostini you wish to see in the world.” – Mahatma Ghandi
b. “Bruschetta to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” – St. Augustine
c. “Rumaki is more important than knowledge.” – Albert Einstein
d. “I have a dream.” – Deviled Egg

6. Pick your favorite pop culture reference.

a. Crustyni the Clown from The Simpsons
b. Bruschetta James
c. Kangaroomaki Jack
d. The Deviled Wears Prada Egg

7. You’re at an elegant cocktail party. Tuxedoed waiters circle the room bearing silver trays, laden with hors d’oeuvres. Your mouth is watering. Your spine is tingling. The waiter approaches you deliberately, as though following a cosmic arc. He eyes you with great passion. You attempt to make a selection, but your brain is pulled in four separate directions, like the limbs of a Mongol prisoner-of-war attached to stampeding stallions. A crostino, a bruschetta, a rumaki, and a deviled egg dance above you like nymphs, whispering their seductive invitations into your ear. Nervously, you extend your hand toward the platter. Your mind’s defenses penetrated and your resolve weakened, you succumb to the temptations of which hors d’oeurves:

a. Pigs in a Blanket
b. Samosa
c. Crudités
d. Gravlax

If you answered mostly A, you’re enjoying a crostino! Crispety crunch! Crackle crack! You’re eating crostini, better than zucchini, linguine, or a miniature weenie!

If you answered mostly B, you’re indiscriminately eating any hors d’oeuvres you can get your hands on because you skipped lunch and you thought the hosts would serve dinner early. Well sucks for you, because you thought wrong.

If you answered mostly C, a waiter tripped and dumped a plate of rumaki all over you. You are so thoroughly covered, it’s hard to tell where the hors d’oeuvres end and your body begins. You are become rumaki, destroyer of worlds.

If you answered mostly D, you are a deviled egg.

Prophet Elijah Receives DUI due to Mother’s Negligence

16 Apr

The Jewish prophet Elijah was arrested and charged with a D.U.I. last night while traveling between homes for the festival of Passover.

As is customary, Elijah traveled to every single Jewish household in the world last night, drinking a cup of wine in each to mark the historical significance of the festival.

It was on a sidestreet in Short Hills, New Jersey that a State Trooper noticed Elijah speeding and pulled him over. A breathalyzer test and verbal confession confirmed Elijah had consumed 85,698 glasses of Manischewitz wine before getting behind the wheel.

Short Hills mother Franny Gutstein blames herself for last night’s incident. “I really should have called him a cab,”  she said.

Elijah’s last home visit before being arrested was at the Gutstein residence. “He came in, he drank the glass of wine, and he got up to go,” Ms. Gutstein said. “He seemed a little tipsy so I offered him to sit down and try some of my famous matzah farfel stuffing but he insisted on leaving.”

Short Hills Police Chief Mike Carlisle was thankful for the arrest. “Every year, Elijah is so reckless,” Mr. Carlisle said. “He’s damn lucky he didn’t wrap his flaming chariot around a telephone pole.”

In response to this incident, concern is mounting for the safety of the Easter Bunny ahead of the holiday this Sunday. Some experts are concerned all those chocolate eggs may finally put Mr. Bunny into diabetic shock this year.

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