Tag Archives: holiday

Prophet Elijah Receives DUI due to Mother’s Negligence

16 Apr

The Jewish prophet Elijah was arrested and charged with a D.U.I. last night while traveling between homes for the festival of Passover.

As is customary, Elijah traveled to every single Jewish household in the world last night, drinking a cup of wine in each to mark the historical significance of the festival.

It was on a sidestreet in Short Hills, New Jersey that a State Trooper noticed Elijah speeding and pulled him over. A breathalyzer test and verbal confession confirmed Elijah had consumed 85,698 glasses of Manischewitz wine before getting behind the wheel.

Short Hills mother Franny Gutstein blames herself for last night’s incident. “I really should have called him a cab,”  she said.

Elijah’s last home visit before being arrested was at the Gutstein residence. “He came in, he drank the glass of wine, and he got up to go,” Ms. Gutstein said. “He seemed a little tipsy so I offered him to sit down and try some of my famous matzah farfel stuffing but he insisted on leaving.”

Short Hills Police Chief Mike Carlisle was thankful for the arrest. “Every year, Elijah is so reckless,” Mr. Carlisle said. “He’s damn lucky he didn’t wrap his flaming chariot around a telephone pole.”

In response to this incident, concern is mounting for the safety of the Easter Bunny ahead of the holiday this Sunday. Some experts are concerned all those chocolate eggs may finally put Mr. Bunny into diabetic shock this year.

Debate Rages On: Is House with Christmas Lights 3 Months Early or 9 Months Late?

22 Sep

Lighter Side of the Moon – East Bethlehem, PA

A spirited debate is consuming a small Pennsylvania town today as the community grapples with an important question: Is the house with its Christmas lights up really ahead or  months behind?

The house, a three bedroom ranch on Apathy Lane, entered the limelight on Monday when concerned neighbors called the National Center for Seasonal Home Décor.

Lighting Commissioner for the NCSHD, Rick Snooty, immediately recognized the gravity of the situation.  “Inappropriately timed holiday lighting is a veritable scourge in our society and should not be taken lightly,” Snooty said.  “What seems like simple laziness could actually come from genuine, deep-seated malice.”

On the contrary, Porter von Pfeffer, long-time adjudicator of the East Bethlehem Garden Contest, appreciates the effort that went into the home’s display.  “Every year, the Christmas decoration contest gets more and more heated,” von Pfeffer said.  “I could have predicted that the competitors would start building their entries earlier and display them for longer.”

Many holiday cheer advocates are feeling “jolly” over this display of spirit.  Booker Marshall, leader of the PAC “St. Nick Impersonators for Progress,” lauded the homeowners for their brave display of devotion.  “Halloween, Valentine’s Day – the great commercialist holidays are crumbling as American institutions,” Marshall said.  “They show great courage in supporting the Christmas industry so boldly.”

The conflict has quickly grown out of the town and consumed the nation.  President Obama even joined the conversation on Twitter, saying, “I dream of a day when we can celebrate holidays in harmony, even nine months too late #brotherhood.”

Christmas Carols for the Doctor’s Office

13 Dec

It’s officially the holiday season, and with that, we can now begin hearing holiday songs everywhere we go. Here are some classic carols specifically tailored for the doctor’s office.

Feldberg, the Nose Job Reindeer (to the tune of Rudolph)

Britney, the teenage narcissist
had a slightly bulbous nose.
So a Feldberg nose job
was the Christmas present she chose.

Her mom lives vicariously through her,
so she didn’t balk at plastic surgery.
“Honey, if we added some silicone,
maybe you could look like me!”


Root Canals (to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Going to the dentist,
for your tooth cleaning today.
You know you haven’t been flossing.
What will your hygenist say?

“Have you really been brushing?
Your teeth don’t look so great.
Here take these toothpaste coupons,
our office is sponsored by Colgate!”

Oh, root canals, root canals
You’ll be in pain for days!
You shouldn’t’ve eaten all that fruitcake.
Bring on the Novocain!

Oh, root canals, root canals
You’ll be in pain for days!
You shouldn’t’ve eaten all that fruitcake.
Bring on the Novocain!


The Proctologist is Coming to Town (to the tune of Santa Claus is Coming to Town)

Gloves on my wrist, checking you twice.
Gonna make sure your prostate feels nice.
You’re going to feel my finger, deep down.

I know if your prostate’s enlarged,
or generally on the fritz.
You might feel some light pressure,
so I’d appreciate if you didn’t twitch.

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