Tag Archives: christmas

Today’s Random Thought

25 Dec

An eye for an eye makes the whole world half blind – with limited depth perception.

Debate Rages On: Is House with Christmas Lights 3 Months Early or 9 Months Late?

22 Sep

Lighter Side of the Moon – East Bethlehem, PA

A spirited debate is consuming a small Pennsylvania town today as the community grapples with an important question: Is the house with its Christmas lights up really ahead or  months behind?

The house, a three bedroom ranch on Apathy Lane, entered the limelight on Monday when concerned neighbors called the National Center for Seasonal Home Décor.

Lighting Commissioner for the NCSHD, Rick Snooty, immediately recognized the gravity of the situation.  “Inappropriately timed holiday lighting is a veritable scourge in our society and should not be taken lightly,” Snooty said.  “What seems like simple laziness could actually come from genuine, deep-seated malice.”

On the contrary, Porter von Pfeffer, long-time adjudicator of the East Bethlehem Garden Contest, appreciates the effort that went into the home’s display.  “Every year, the Christmas decoration contest gets more and more heated,” von Pfeffer said.  “I could have predicted that the competitors would start building their entries earlier and display them for longer.”

Many holiday cheer advocates are feeling “jolly” over this display of spirit.  Booker Marshall, leader of the PAC “St. Nick Impersonators for Progress,” lauded the homeowners for their brave display of devotion.  “Halloween, Valentine’s Day – the great commercialist holidays are crumbling as American institutions,” Marshall said.  “They show great courage in supporting the Christmas industry so boldly.”

The conflict has quickly grown out of the town and consumed the nation.  President Obama even joined the conversation on Twitter, saying, “I dream of a day when we can celebrate holidays in harmony, even nine months too late #brotherhood.”

Christmas Carols for the Doctor’s Office

13 Dec

It’s officially the holiday season, and with that, we can now begin hearing holiday songs everywhere we go. Here are some classic carols specifically tailored for the doctor’s office.

Feldberg, the Nose Job Reindeer (to the tune of Rudolph)

Britney, the teenage narcissist
had a slightly bulbous nose.
So a Feldberg nose job
was the Christmas present she chose.

Her mom lives vicariously through her,
so she didn’t balk at plastic surgery.
“Honey, if we added some silicone,
maybe you could look like me!”


Root Canals (to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Going to the dentist,
for your tooth cleaning today.
You know you haven’t been flossing.
What will your hygenist say?

“Have you really been brushing?
Your teeth don’t look so great.
Here take these toothpaste coupons,
our office is sponsored by Colgate!”

Oh, root canals, root canals
You’ll be in pain for days!
You shouldn’t’ve eaten all that fruitcake.
Bring on the Novocain!

Oh, root canals, root canals
You’ll be in pain for days!
You shouldn’t’ve eaten all that fruitcake.
Bring on the Novocain!


The Proctologist is Coming to Town (to the tune of Santa Claus is Coming to Town)

Gloves on my wrist, checking you twice.
Gonna make sure your prostate feels nice.
You’re going to feel my finger, deep down.

I know if your prostate’s enlarged,
or generally on the fritz.
You might feel some light pressure,
so I’d appreciate if you didn’t twitch.

Things You, Unfortunately, Might Hear this Thanksgiving

18 Nov

“We’ve got to get to Wal-Mart by eight, tonight! It’s 65% off tramplings!”

“Had enough of football? There’s still plenty to do this Thanksgiving. Head to the nature center for an in-depth lecture on turkey vocalizations. Or, check out the library’s program on the history of stuffing.”

“Black Friday shopping, huh? Oh sure, go buy a new TV. It’s not like I’ve been elbow-deep in the business end of a turkey, preparing your feast for the last two hours!”

“Your Christmas decorations look lovely.”

“Guys, the tofurkey’s ready!”

But MOM, Everyone Else Has One!

8 Dec

In President Obama’s most recent State of the Union Address, he described how US students are falling behind the rest of the world in math and science. While those subjects are all well and good, what about Language Arts? In all seriousness, being able to write is one of the most important skills our nation’s students need to learn, but how can we test writing ability? Do we look at standardized tests? Having taken many of these tests, this information can’t be reliable. How many times in your adult life have you had to write a short story about an elephant that escaped from a zoo and ended up at your house? Sounds like a resounding zero. (If you said yes, I’ll buy your memoir.) Instead, as a nation, we should look at the letters kids write to their parents or  Santa, asking for presents. If these letters are persuasive, that’s all that matters. If our kids are good enough, maybe they’ll be able to write letters asking for presents as adults! My fellow Americans, say goodbye to your fears of receiving socks and sweaters, we’re engineering a new generation of writers! The kind that can write letters and get whatever they want!

The new judge of our children's writing ability.

Retired teachers would no longer have to sit in boring, sun-less rooms with nothing but a pile of essays about the same thing. Instead, they could hide inside mailboxes at Macy’s, peel open letters, and grade our American youth to victory. Besides, the South Korean government currently raids tutoring centers because they made it illegal to study after 10 o’clock. The kids will be so stressed, they’ll never bring themselves to write anything more than they have to. Join me, and help propel America to educational success!

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