Tag Archives: fake news

Debate Rages On: Is House with Christmas Lights 3 Months Early or 9 Months Late?

22 Sep

Lighter Side of the Moon – East Bethlehem, PA

A spirited debate is consuming a small Pennsylvania town today as the community grapples with an important question: Is the house with its Christmas lights up really ahead or  months behind?

The house, a three bedroom ranch on Apathy Lane, entered the limelight on Monday when concerned neighbors called the National Center for Seasonal Home Décor.

Lighting Commissioner for the NCSHD, Rick Snooty, immediately recognized the gravity of the situation.  “Inappropriately timed holiday lighting is a veritable scourge in our society and should not be taken lightly,” Snooty said.  “What seems like simple laziness could actually come from genuine, deep-seated malice.”

On the contrary, Porter von Pfeffer, long-time adjudicator of the East Bethlehem Garden Contest, appreciates the effort that went into the home’s display.  “Every year, the Christmas decoration contest gets more and more heated,” von Pfeffer said.  “I could have predicted that the competitors would start building their entries earlier and display them for longer.”

Many holiday cheer advocates are feeling “jolly” over this display of spirit.  Booker Marshall, leader of the PAC “St. Nick Impersonators for Progress,” lauded the homeowners for their brave display of devotion.  “Halloween, Valentine’s Day – the great commercialist holidays are crumbling as American institutions,” Marshall said.  “They show great courage in supporting the Christmas industry so boldly.”

The conflict has quickly grown out of the town and consumed the nation.  President Obama even joined the conversation on Twitter, saying, “I dream of a day when we can celebrate holidays in harmony, even nine months too late #brotherhood.”

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The Sugardaddie Manifesto

7 May

SugarDaddie.com has made an offer to rename the town [of New Canaan, CT] to SugarDaddie.com, USA. The online dating website made an offer of $9.85 million to First Selectman Robert Mallozzi III and other city officials in writing March 29, a statement from SugarDaddie.com said. – The New Canaan Daily Voice

Since ancient times, the single and wealthy have lived in hiding, seeking the company (and bank information) of each other in obscurity. From the horrors of this secrecy and persecution came solidarity, and with great courage and greediness, the gold-diggers of the world rose up from the dark depths of the financially-motivated dating scene.

Now, in the modern era, the affluent, single, and ready to mingle have a new vehicle for social advancement in Sugardaddie.com. a powerful corporation whose passion for Sugardaddie rights is exceeded only by their thirst for credit card numbers. They are willing to make dramatic claims regarding their financial situation. In short, they represent the Sugardaddie lifestyle to an unparalleled degree.

Their guerilla tactics in the war for Sugardaddie rights are brilliant not only in their effectiveness, but in their subtlety. Their offer to rebrand a town for a seven-digit sum takes advertising to a new standard of taste. Who but Sugardaddie.com could blend symbolism, class, and clever wordplay like they have in their demand for the erection of a Hugh Hefner statue in front of town hall? Nobody. It is their unrelenting knack for great leaps forward in Sugardaddie rights that make our future so promising.

For now, the Sugardaddie community has only one direction to look: forward. Take your wallets and money clips and stand together! Sugarbabes, call to your Sugardaddies and say: unite! Gone are the days of trying to impress your ex-spouse with your new partner’s boat in secrecy! Soon, we can build a world in the image of Sugardaddie.com and raise our children in a place where the classy, attractive, and affluent meet.

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In Light of Recent Weather, School District to Close Permanently

11 Feb

ALBANY (Lighter Side of the Moon) – In response to the extreme weather impacting our area recently, the Gloversville, NY school district will be canceling school indefinitely. The decision came early this morning after snow-related closings on Friday and Monday.

“It was the logical choice for the safety of our students,” Superintendent Jocelyn Kent wrote in an e-mail to parents. “With so many storms, it didn’t make sense for us to keep kidding ourselves and pretending school was a possibility anymore.”

The ability of faculty members to get to work was a factor in the decision. “Our bus drivers live farther east and we’ve received word that most of them are buried in their homes,” Kent wrote. “According to my sources, it is unlikely they’ll ever get out of their driveways again.”

High school principal Jim Pecora said they’ve made preparations for Gloversville students once the schools shut down. When asked by a member of the press how former students would earn a living without schooling, he said, “We anticipate employing all of our students as shovelers in the emergency response to future storms.”

Parents and students alike are up in arms about this decision. Matilda Patterson, mother of students in eighth and fifth grades, worried about the emotional implications this will have on our children. “My kids get so excited every time they cancel school,” she said. “Even though they close schools every time it rains these days, they still get a kick out of it. I think the monotony of a permanent closing will bore them.”

Mike Rosco, a high school junior, thinks the school’s administrators may have had ulterior motives in making this decision. “I think they just got sick and tired of waking up early to check the weather,” he said. “We haven’t had a full day of school since Hurricane Irene, so it probably just wasn’t worth it for them to keep going through the motions.”

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