Tag Archives: news

Nothing to See Here

27 Oct

(A reporter is out on the street doing a stand-up segment about a robbery that took place in a convenience store.)

REPORTER: Police are investigating a robbery that took place last night at this convenience store on Oak Street. The robber is described as a Caucasian male, 6’11’’,  wearing a grass skirt, a Kiss the Cook apron, a large and floppy sombrero, and quote “unmistakably distinctive” glasses. The police have asked that anyone who sees the suspect immediately call the Crimestoppers hotline. They added that the man is described as “totally unmissable” and “supremely recognizable.” Local residents say they are shocked by what happened here.

(Cut to the reporter interviewing a man on the street. He is a 6’11”  Caucasian male wearing a grass skirt, a Kiss the Cook apron, a large and floppy sombrero, and unmistakably distinctive glasses.)

REPORTER: You were there at the robbery last night?
MAN (panicked): What? What are you implying?
REPORTER: We just wanted your account of what happened here.
MAN (nervously): Oh. Oh. What makes you think I was here last night?
REPORTER: You told our producer you were.
MAN: Right, right. I was here. I said that and that is the story. That is definitely what happened. Thank you for the interview. (MAN begins to walk away.)
REPORTER: Wait, sir, you didn’t tell us anything yet.
MAN: Yeah, I was just in there and some stuff was robbed and it was totally crazy.
REPORTER: What do you mean, “totally crazy”?
MAN: Like, the whole thing was totally crazy. This is just a really nice neighborhood, I think. It looks like one. If I was going to rob something I’d probably rob this. But, I probably wouldn’t expect a robbery here? I live here, right?
REPORTER (quizzical): Sir, what did you say you witnessed at the robbery?
MAN: Oh, well, I mean there’s a lot of things that can drive a man to robbery. You know how hard it is to find work out there these days. Sometimes a guy just can’t catch a break. But the man doesn’t care. You ask for a little forgiveness, just a little more time, but the next day your water’s turned off and now you’ve got no place to shower. You have to walk around covered in dirt and sweat and then next thing you know everybody thinks you’re homeless. You try and try to say “No, I’m not homeless. I just don’t have running water at my place but I just paid the bill and they’re in the process of turning it back on as we speak.” But nobody wants to hear it and your landlord thinks some homeless guy is breaking into your apartment, and he changes the lock and calls the police. So now you’re trying and trying to get in your front door and the fuzz comes running from out from nowhere. Now, you haven’t done anything wrong but you start running and running because instinct just kicks in in a situation like that and you ran track in high school so you’re still pretty quick on your feet but it’s been a while since you actually got out there for a jog and a diet of instant ramen and pizza hasn’t been gentle on your stamina so you get kind of winded and all you want is a water so you pull into a convenience store and you try to pay for it but the attendant at the counter is apathetic and foreign and the language barrier is really hindering the transaction and all the while the cops are hot on your tail so you just grab the water and go and in hindsight stealing something is a terrible way to try and persuade the law of your innocence but you never know how you’re going to react in a situation like that and I’m not trying to tell you a sob story to try and get you to let me off easy because I’m guilty and I deserve whatever punishment you want to give me, but please, your honor, my story is completely truthful and I’m begging for your forgiveness. (MAN sobs.)
REPORTER: Sir, what are you trying to say?
MAN: (Sobbing intensifies.)
REPORTER: Well, this robbery is certainly taking a dramatic toll on the emotions of local residents. Until the police can locate the suspect they’re searching for, this community can only keep their eyes pealed and hope for the best. Back to you in the studio.

 

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Local Mom Assuages Ebola Fears

12 Oct

In a moving conversation with her 4-year-old child, local woman Tina Brody has rallied a nation addled by fears of the ebola virus.

“You can’t get ebola as long as you wash your hands,” she told her son, Luke. “You have been washing your hands, haven’t you?”

Luke came prepared with a variety of incisive queries about the epidemic, which started in West Africa and has claimed more than 4000 lives. “But what if the ebola bites me while I’m sleeping?,” he asked.

Brody countered with her expert insight into epidemiology and disease transmission. “Do you know how small the ebola virus is?” she asked her child. “It’s more scared of us than we are of it.”

Some of Luke’s questions resonated deeply with concerned Americans, afflicted by the wave of ebola hysteria that is sweeping the nation. “Can Derek Jeter get ebola?” he asked.

“I’m not going to let Derek Jeter get ebola,” Tina answered. “And if Derek Jeter can’t get it, how can you, Lukie?”

Brody went on to skewer the news media’s coverage of the outbreak. “Where did you even find out about this, pumpkin?” Brody said. “You shouldn’t be watching the news.”

Tina even addressed the geopolitical nature of the issue, saying, “Do you remember that book we read about Africa? Right, where lions and elephants live. Well, people live very differently over there, sweetheart, and we’re very safe.”

Luke had one final question for his mother on the subject. “But, Mommy, what if the ebola virus begins to claim lives here on American soil due to systematic hubris and lax protocols?,” he said. “Will the Obama Administration and the CDC violate essential civil liberties in their effort to quarantine the outbreak?”

Brody’s answer, a soaring piece of rhetoric, will likely be the knockout punch in the fight against ebola fears. “As long as you stay healthy, you won’t get ebola,” she said. “So sneeze into your elbow and eat your vegetables. Now come give mommy a hug.”

 

 

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Several Celebrities Angered Over Exclusion from Nude Photo Leak

3 Sep

Amidst the uproar surrounding the release of nude photos of A-list stars, a number of celebrities have come out with statements regarding their exclusion from the controversy. Though public opinion has largely been against the illegal hacking of phones and the sharing of compromising personal images without permission, a few brave celebrities have dared to ask why they were left out of the fun.

This graphic image leaves nothing to the imagination and is unsuitable for children.

This graphic image leaves nothing to the imagination and is unsuitable for children.

Steve Buscemi, an actor that you know as “that guy with the eyes”, called a press conference last week to give his opinion on the matter. “Did anyone ever stop to think that my naked photographs might be just as appealing as Kate Upton’s?,” he said. “I am very disappointed at the media’s refusal to embrace the inherent beauty of the male body. My male body.”

Other men have joined Buscemi’s fight for equality. Raspy-voiced actor Gilbert Gottfried dared the world to download and peruse his nude photographs in a recent interview with Martha Stewart magazine. “How do you know you’re not interested in my pictures? You haven’t even seen them yet!”, he said.

Buscemi suspects that his exclusion from the photo release was deliberate. “My nudie shots are just sitting there on my phone,” he said. “They’re on iCloud! How do you even miss them?”

Buscemi’s tone darkened when asked if he had anything to say directly to the hacker who refused to publish his nude photographs. “You are a cruel and hurtful person. Please do the right thing,” he said, looking directly into a news camera. “Go into my iCloud, find the hi-res photos of my physique, and share them with the world.”

Gottfried echoed Buscemi’s statement regarding the photographs. “Please publish them,” he begged.

At press time, Christopher Walken, Gary Busey, and Roseanne Barr could not be reached for comment.

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Kim Jong Un by Paul Mitchell

27 Mar

Male university students in North Korea are now required to get the same haircut as their leader Kim Jong-un, it is reported. – BBC

When I first read this story, I was shocked. I wasn’t so surprised at the latest in a long line of tyrannical stunts from a clearly unstable leader. More surprisingly, North Korea has a university! As a junior in high school, applying to college is foremost on my mind. Eager to find out more about the University of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea at Gleaming Worker’s Paradise of Pyongyang (“State” for short), I did a little digging. Here is what I found:

They have a fight song:

In the world’s cleanest city,
in the world’s most prosperous country,
underneath our glorious leader,
we are not going hungry.

Over the corpses of enemy imperialists,
we march toward victory – yeah!
All of our internal struggles are classist.
We are the best Korea!

So it’s fight, fight, fight,
hail to the DPRK!
We’ll sing as we work in the salt and sulfur mines
for twenty hours a day!

Hip, hip, hooray,
sing this victory hymn!
We pledge our eternal loyalty
to three fat men named Kim!

Their president writes a monthly newsletter:

Dear Students and Faculty of UDPRKGWPP,

March has been a busy month here at State. Spring has finally arrived; the birds cheerfully sing songs of the everyman, the squirrels once again go out to steal acorns from the American vermin, and the industrial smokestacks belch out a thick smog over fragrant, blossoming trees. Truly a sight to behold.

I trust the male scholars of the university are abiding by our Glorious Leader’s Glorious Decree on hairstyling. As you all know, male students must now wear their hair in the fashion made famous by our Eternal Father. On an unrelated note, it is with sadness that I announce the mysterious disappearance of 30 long-haired but otherwise unrelated young men. There will be no memorial service.

Our comrades in the Science Department recently announced great gains in the development of atomic missiles for our nation. They have finished gluing the device together and need only to staple on the fins before launching it at our cowering enemies.

The Working Women Students Union recently hosted a forum on female sexuality on campus. Though the university will refrain from commenting on this matter, I would like to remind students that the Health and Wellness Center offers resources to help you stay safe. Pumping out hardy, genetically-pure laborers may sound fun now, but the State has designated you to be scholars, not parents.

Finally, the university would like to extend our gratitude to alumnus Wei Teu Thin ’74, who donated his entire rice harvest to the construction of a new monument to our Leader.

Go State!

Kim Jong Un
President of Everything

Fun Facts:

Colors: American Soldier’s Blood Red and Western Coward Yellow
Mascot: Terry the Proletariat
Founded in: 1954
Founded upon: the graves of those who threatened us
Rival: University of Hamhung
Arch-Rival: American University
Arch-arch-rival: Capitalism.

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Debate and Tackle

4 Nov

SCENE: The small town of Pinecone, Maine is holding a local election. To help educate voters, they are hosting a moderated debate between the two candidates in the local library’s lecture hall.

ANNOUNCER: In this corner, weighing in at 108 pounds, a mother of seven with a background in law, the mama bear with a roar to match, Christy Tamburro! And in this corner, the incumbent, weighing in at 285 pounds, a restauranteur and man-about town, he’s a Democrat donkey and he can kick, Craig Weeks! This town hall debate will be moderated by Laura Langston, online editor of the Pinecone Bugle.
LAURA: Hello, and welcome to the 2013 Pinecone First Selectman debate. Tonight, we will offer town residents the chance to ask questions directly to the candidates. We will give the candidates thirty seconds to introduce themselves and their platform before the questions. Ms. Tamburro, you won the coin toss, would you like to introduce yourself first or defer to your opponent?
CHRISTY: I would love to introduce myself. Hello, my name is Christy Tamburro. I have lived in Pinecone for twenty-one years, fourteen of which were with my estranged husband, Peter. I worked as a paralegal for the law offices of Lorenzo, Lorenzo, Lorenzo, Lorenzo, Lorenzo, and Schwartz LLC until the birth of my first child. Being a mother was my true calling, and I dedicated myself to bringing my little blessings into the world. As all of the mothers out there know, being a mom requires listening to all kinds of people and making decisions, and as your first selectman I will make sure every voice is heard. Even if you’re all yelling in the back of my minivan! (stifled laughter) I believe in honest governance and service to the people, which is why we must stop Craig Weeks in his tracks. He is a dangerous radical who is driving us off a fiscal precipice. See you at the polls!
LAURA: Mr. Weeks, you may introduce yourself.
CRAIG: Goooooooooood morning Pinecone! My name is Craig “Big and Tall” Weeks and I am your current and future first selectman. I am a proud congregant of St. Joseph’s Church, where I am known for rarely attending services and donating conspicuously to collections. I own Frederico’s Pizza and Golden Mountain Fun Palace Szechuan, Hunan, Cantonese, and Pan-Asian Cuisine, two of the best restaurants in our town.  I love everything about Pinecone, from the Winter Caroling Half-Marathon, to the Halloween Pumpkin Cannon Competition, to the Halloween Egging of the Post Office. Let’s make this town even greater – together!
LAURA: Now, let’s bring up local resident Jacob Kraus, owner of Jake’s Bean Bar, to ask the first question.
JACOB: Hello candidates. My coffee shop is just one feature of Pinecone’s great commercial district. What will you do to ensure that small business owners like me can stay viable in our town?
CHRISTY: Hi Jacob, and thank you for your question. Small business is the lifeblood of this town and this nation. I will do everything in my power to ensure low tax rates and financial security for American dreamers like you. And if any big box stores ever try to spread their roots in Pinecone, I swear to high heaven I will burn them to their foundations. As first selectman, I will protect your businesses like I do my seven beautiful children. Thanks again, Jacob.
CRAIG: Jacob, I love shopping in Pinecone. You know I wouldn’t get my chai lattes from anywhere else but Jake’s, would I? You’re my guy! You’re my coffee guy! I would lay down in front of a steam locomotive for our small businesses, and I have braved the political firestorm time and time again to protect owners like you. Let’s go Pinecone! Woo!
LAURA: Our next question comes from Nan Pedersen, the lady that is always feeding pigeons and sitting on a bench. Nan, go ahead.
CHRISTY: Hello, Nan!
CRAIG: Hey, hey, Nan! Have you lost weight?
NAN: Hi. I just wanted to say that you guys are the best candidates Pinecone has had since I was a little girl. You know, we didn’t have electricity here until 1952. We used to use an outhouse where I lived! My, the progress. I just love everything about Pinecone- the libraries and the people and the trees. It’s just a lovely, little town and I –
LAURA: Ma’am, do you have a question to ask?
NAN: *snoring*
LAURA: Thanks for nothing, Nan. Our next question comes from sixth grader Kenneth Meyer. Go ahead, Kenneth.
KENNETH (sweaty): Um, hi. Um, candidates, um, what would you, um, like, um, do to, um, make our schools, um, and our, like, education, um, more better, um, for the, um, people, um, of generations and people, um, and people of the future, um, to, um –
CHRISTY: You got it, Kenneth.
CRAIG: Rock on, Kenny!
KENNETH: Um, make it better?
CHRISTY: Thank you so much for your question. It’s just great to see young people like you participating in our political dialogue. What I would do for our schools is-
CRAIG: Yeah, excuse me, Christy. Your question is so vital because it speaks to our most basic need as a town: educat-
CHRISTY: Sorry, Craig. Kenneth, you remind me so much of my son Tom. And my son Peter. And my son Ralph. Kids today face a var-
CRAIG: Kenny, do you like hockey? Because I’ve got minor league season tickets with your name on it if you can deliver on your parents…
CHRISTY: I want to make you dinner every day for the next year if you can get me some votes, Kenny –
LAURA (loudly): Thank you, Kenneth. Candidates, you may now deliver your closing remarks. Since Ms. Tamburro opened the debate, Mr. Weeks will speak first.
CRAIG: Thank you, Laura. I love the town of Pinecone and you all do, too. So let’s make it better. I believe this town can be one of the best in the country if we all work together. We already lead the county in blueberry exports and we were listed in the 2011 Cracked.com article “11 Towns with Surprisingly Humorous Police Blotters”. So rock the vote, Pinecone! Chant with me: Craig! Craig! Craig! (nobody joins in)
LAURA: Ms. Tamburro, your turn.
CHRISTY: Thank you very much, Laura, for moderating this debate. Thank you to the Library for hosting the debate. And thank you Pinecone, for participating so actively. However, there is one person here who deserves no thanks – Craig Weeks. Over his last term, Craig has driven this town into the ground, destroying everything our forefathers worked to create. As proof, I present to you First Selectman Weeks’s Internet history over the last term. Laura, could you please read this aloud (hands paper to moderator)
LAURA: Um, okay, candidate. Ahem:

  • AngelaMerkelNipSlip.whitehouse.gov
  • Google search for “simple embezzlement tips”
  • Amazon receipt for Embezzlement for Dummies
  • Google search for “hairless armpits”
  • WebMD search for “localized alopecia”
  • Google search for “cases of hairless armpits”
  • Amazon receipt for “Armpit Hair Plugs”

LAURA: And with that, we will close the 2013 Pinecone debate. Thanks for showing up, and goodnight.

The following day, this editorial was read by most of the town. (Click to enlarge.)

fake newspaper

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Sugardaddie Manifesto

7 May

SugarDaddie.com has made an offer to rename the town [of New Canaan, CT] to SugarDaddie.com, USA. The online dating website made an offer of $9.85 million to First Selectman Robert Mallozzi III and other city officials in writing March 29, a statement from SugarDaddie.com said. – The New Canaan Daily Voice

Since ancient times, the single and wealthy have lived in hiding, seeking the company (and bank information) of each other in obscurity. From the horrors of this secrecy and persecution came solidarity, and with great courage and greediness, the gold-diggers of the world rose up from the dark depths of the financially-motivated dating scene.

Now, in the modern era, the affluent, single, and ready to mingle have a new vehicle for social advancement in Sugardaddie.com. a powerful corporation whose passion for Sugardaddie rights is exceeded only by their thirst for credit card numbers. They are willing to make dramatic claims regarding their financial situation. In short, they represent the Sugardaddie lifestyle to an unparalleled degree.

Their guerilla tactics in the war for Sugardaddie rights are brilliant not only in their effectiveness, but in their subtlety. Their offer to rebrand a town for a seven-digit sum takes advertising to a new standard of taste. Who but Sugardaddie.com could blend symbolism, class, and clever wordplay like they have in their demand for the erection of a Hugh Hefner statue in front of town hall? Nobody. It is their unrelenting knack for great leaps forward in Sugardaddie rights that make our future so promising.

For now, the Sugardaddie community has only one direction to look: forward. Take your wallets and money clips and stand together! Sugarbabes, call to your Sugardaddies and say: unite! Gone are the days of trying to impress your ex-spouse with your new partner’s boat in secrecy! Soon, we can build a world in the image of Sugardaddie.com and raise our children in a place where the classy, attractive, and affluent meet.

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Buzz Aldrin to Romney: “I Walked There, Too!”

2 Sep

TAMPA (Lighter Side of the Moon) – Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon as part of the Apollo 11 mission, has released a press statement expressing his anger at not being mentioned during Mitt Romney’s nomination speech at the RNC.

During his speech, Romney exalted Aldrin’s partner in the mission, Neil Armstrong, calling him “the ideal American” and proclaiming “God bless Neil Armstrong”. Aldrin was never spoken of.

In his statement, Mr. Aldrin was indignant at being snubbed from Mitt’s address. “I hope you realize my footprints are there, too,” he wrote. “It was the most unfortunate coin toss of my life, and you reopened old wounds,” Aldrin added.

Aldrin also mentioned another famous second-in-command: “The Republicans must have mentioned Joe Biden a hundred times over the course of the convention. How many moon rocks did he bring back?”

Mike Collins has yet to comment on the matter.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

%d bloggers like this: