Tag Archives: onion

Local Mom Assuages Ebola Fears

12 Oct

In a moving conversation with her 4-year-old child, local woman Tina Brody has rallied a nation addled by fears of the ebola virus.

“You can’t get ebola as long as you wash your hands,” she told her son, Luke. “You have been washing your hands, haven’t you?”

Luke came prepared with a variety of incisive queries about the epidemic, which started in West Africa and has claimed more than 4000 lives. “But what if the ebola bites me while I’m sleeping?,” he asked.

Brody countered with her expert insight into epidemiology and disease transmission. “Do you know how small the ebola virus is?” she asked her child. “It’s more scared of us than we are of it.”

Some of Luke’s questions resonated deeply with concerned Americans, afflicted by the wave of ebola hysteria that is sweeping the nation. “Can Derek Jeter get ebola?” he asked.

“I’m not going to let Derek Jeter get ebola,” Tina answered. “And if Derek Jeter can’t get it, how can you, Lukie?”

Brody went on to skewer the news media’s coverage of the outbreak. “Where did you even find out about this, pumpkin?” Brody said. “You shouldn’t be watching the news.”

Tina even addressed the geopolitical nature of the issue, saying, “Do you remember that book we read about Africa? Right, where lions and elephants live. Well, people live very differently over there, sweetheart, and we’re very safe.”

Luke had one final question for his mother on the subject. “But, Mommy, what if the ebola virus begins to claim lives here on American soil due to systematic hubris and lax protocols?,” he said. “Will the Obama Administration and the CDC violate essential civil liberties in their effort to quarantine the outbreak?”

Brody’s answer, a soaring piece of rhetoric, will likely be the knockout punch in the fight against ebola fears. “As long as you stay healthy, you won’t get ebola,” she said. “So sneeze into your elbow and eat your vegetables. Now come give mommy a hug.”

 

 

 

Several Celebrities Angered Over Exclusion from Nude Photo Leak

3 Sep

Amidst the uproar surrounding the release of nude photos of A-list stars, a number of celebrities have come out with statements regarding their exclusion from the controversy. Though public opinion has largely been against the illegal hacking of phones and the sharing of compromising personal images without permission, a few brave celebrities have dared to ask why they were left out of the fun.

This graphic image leaves nothing to the imagination and is unsuitable for children.

This graphic image leaves nothing to the imagination and is unsuitable for children.

Steve Buscemi, an actor that you know as “that guy with the eyes”, called a press conference last week to give his opinion on the matter. “Did anyone ever stop to think that my naked photographs might be just as appealing as Kate Upton’s?,” he said. “I am very disappointed at the media’s refusal to embrace the inherent beauty of the male body. My male body.”

Other men have joined Buscemi’s fight for equality. Raspy-voiced actor Gilbert Gottfried dared the world to download and peruse his nude photographs in a recent interview with Martha Stewart magazine. “How do you know you’re not interested in my pictures? You haven’t even seen them yet!”, he said.

Buscemi suspects that his exclusion from the photo release was deliberate. “My nudie shots are just sitting there on my phone,” he said. “They’re on iCloud! How do you even miss them?”

Buscemi’s tone darkened when asked if he had anything to say directly to the hacker who refused to publish his nude photographs. “You are a cruel and hurtful person. Please do the right thing,” he said, looking directly into a news camera. “Go into my iCloud, find the hi-res photos of my physique, and share them with the world.”

Gottfried echoed Buscemi’s statement regarding the photographs. “Please publish them,” he begged.

At press time, Christopher Walken, Gary Busey, and Roseanne Barr could not be reached for comment.

 

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