The 5 Best Restaurants in Philadelphia

13 Jun cceimg

 

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1. El Juanete

This dingy hole-in-the-wall is considered the most authentic El Salvadorian spot in the city. Chef Rodrigo Carrera, who moonlights as a certified nursing assistant, is so committed to an authentic dining experience that he only serves citizens of El Salvador. Be sure to bring a birth certificate or two forms of government-issued identification when you arrive for your reservation.

 

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2. The Chuck E Cheese on Snyder Avenue

Trust us. Under the direction of new part-time manager Paulette Robinson, this upscale children’s bistro has become one of the hottest in the city. The intimate but refined environment features a lively arcade section and waiters dressed smartly in children’s snot. The upgraded menu includes quinoa-breaded Krazy Nuggets!™ and a Super Sausage Pizzazz Pizza™ baked without love by a Taiwanese man in a massive wood-fired brick hearth.

 

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3. Le Chien Mort

With prices like these, a restaurant better deliver. Thankfully, Le Chien goes above and beyond expectations every time. This rustic French establishment borders on stuffy with its classic decor and persnickety service, but the menu proves inventive time and time again by focusing on just one ingredient: dog meat. St. Bernard Kebabs with Farro Streusel and Doberman pot-au-feu are paired against Jamaican Jerk Cavalier King Charles Spaniel in this landmark tasting menu. Reservations are hard to get and dependent on supply, so follow the ASPCA Facebook page for culling schedules.

 

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4. Fish.

Fish. opened to a slow start two years ago, but has gained critical buzz since changing ownership last fall. Chef Waldo Fritz caused controversy with his concept, which spins the traditional seafood restaurant model on its head. Instead of the customer selecting his meal from the tank, a certified animal psychic will ask the fish which one would like to be eaten to you. This special attention to the ingredients leads to immaculately prepared dishes, assuming a fish deems you worthy of eating it. This reviewer was sadly not selected by any fish or crustaceans and went home hungry.

 

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5. 4631 Chestnut Street

Every once in a while, a restaurant can enter the realm of legend. 4631 Chestnut has done just that in the past two years through their total commitment to atmosphere. Their small street presence in a residential neighborhood makes the restaurant seem like just another family home. Don’t be turned away but the inviting exterior – you must knock to gain entry. A kindly old man will greet you at the door, but any mention of a reservation or fine dining experience will be returned with confusion. Only by saying that you were just in a car accident, are a lost child, or make a compelling pitch as a door-to-door salesman will you be invited inside for a tuna sandwich (prepared tableside). Peerless.

7 Amazing Date Night Recipes You Could Use if You Weren’t So Unappealing

12 Jan

Inviting someone over for a homemade dinner is a bold and romantic move. A delicious dish can win their hearts, but there’s nothing more embarrassing than them not liking your cooking. You will never experience either of these results because you are unlikable and uninteresting and nobody wants to eat dinner with you. Here are 7 easy recipes you can include in your pointless fantasies.

1. Herb Roasted Chicken with Arugula and Cranberry Salad

This is a surprisingly simple recipe, but it takes a fair amount of prep time. But that’s not an issue, because you have lots of free time. Nobody has called to make plans. You don’t have any hobbies. It’s just day in, day out for you.

2. Wild Mushroom and Sherry Risotto

Unusual ingredients will suggest to your date that you have taste and class. Too bad you have neither of those things. You are a slob.

3. Seared Lamb Chops with Roasted Cherry Tomatoes

This savory dish goes great with a nice red wine. That’s pretty convenient considering your evening plans were to drink an entire bottle of red wine alone and fall asleep. Sexy!

4. Peppery Spaghetti Carbonara with Pecorino Romano

Spice up an old classic by substituting parmesan cheese with romano. Will anyone notice this subtle change? Maybe your coworker Jess might when she takes the leftovers you bring for lunch tomorrow. She always steals your food because she knows you don’t stand up for yourself and fear confrontation.

5. Mediterranean Fatoosh with Parsley

This is a flavorful dish that contains no meat and requires little prep work. If you ever meet someone that can look past the darkness in your eyes AND that person is vegetarian, try this recipe. I’m sure you’ll pretend to be vegetarian in a desperate attempt to find something in common with them.

6. Lemon and Mint Braised Chicken with White Beans

Your (non-existent) date will think you’re a master chef. But only you and I know that this recipe can be made by extremely inept people, such as yourself. The fresh mint will keep your breath ready for a little smooching after the meal. I’m sorry, I should not tease you like that. Nobody is kissing your ugly mug no matter what you cook.

7. Brown Butter Scallops for One

It’s not worth pretending anymore. You are alone. Deeply, hopelessly, inexorably alone. The earlier you accept it, the happier you will be. This delightful meal sized for one sad person will help you do that.

I Got Put On a List For This, So At Least Enjoy It

2 Dec

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Gang Busters

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Sorry for the long hiatus, everybody. I’ve been hard at work doing stand-up and improv at school. Stay tuned for a stand-up album and a film adaptation of this sketch coming very soon.

You can click on the pages to enlarge them.

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7 Men Who Aren’t Really Fat, But Still Get Embarrassed When They Take Their Shirt Off to Go Swimming

27 Jul

Men. We all know some. Some are skinny. Some are fat. Some are in-between. But odds are, a lot of them feel a little shy when they have to take their shirt off and get in the water.

1. Mike

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Come on, Mike. Take off that shirt and get in the pool. We’re playing Marco Polo! Nobody will make fun of you, I promise.

2. Ralph

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I don’t care if your fair skin makes you prone to sunburns. Take it off. You look fine shirtless! There’s nothing to be ashamed of.

3. Bobby

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We drove 20 minutes to the municipal pool and you just want to spend the day eating cheeseburgers on the pooldeck? Take that dirty shirt off and get in the water!

4. Wayne

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Wayne, it’s Spring Break! We’re in Cancun! Get away from the beach bar and go boogie board with those betties in the water! You don’t have a Freshman 15. Wayne, it honestly just exacerbates the problem if you swim in a shirt.

5. President George Herbert Walker Bush

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Mr. President, pop that top off and get in! You’re the former leader of the free world, what do you have to fear? Besides, Sir, you’re 91. Your body looks fantastic for a man of your age.

6. You

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You went ahead and laughed at Mike, Ralph, Bobby, Wayne, and President Bush. But you know your body isn’t what it once was. And you know for damn sure that you want to spend that REI gift card you got for Christmas on a swimming shirt. But either way, the best way to hide your spare tire is under a big blanket of confidence! Get in the pool!

7. Me

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Secret’s out. I cringe when the moment comes to take my shirt off. That’s why I always cancel our beach plans at the last minute. It’s easy for me to mock the other guys from behind my computer. But really, it’s just a way for me to find comfort in numbers.

The Graduation Speech I Didn’t Get to Say

19 Jun

Good morning. Before I get into my speech, I’ve been asked to make a few announcements. Due to the heat, all graduates are advised to be completely naked under their robes to help them stay cool. It’s the first all-commando graduation in history. Also, please keep a close eye on our elderly guests and make sure they avoid heat exhaustion. We know it’s annoying having them around your house, but it will be more annoying to have them to carry them back to the car after this. Just keep them in the shade. Lastly, please be sure to hydrate today. If you run out of water, you can refill your bottle underneath my mother’s eyes at any time during the ceremony.

Now, onto the speech. I’d like to thank my classmates, my family, and a Buzzfeed listicle called “19 Things to Say In Your Graduation Speech” for inspiring me. This is what I want to say you today: Dream big. Seize every opportunity that comes your way. Dare to be different. Thank you very much and congratulations to the Class of 2015!

But, in all honestly, I consider myself privileged to be a part of this graduating class. We’re so much better than all the other graduating classes, which are full of good-for-nothing losers. This grade has really grown up together. The Class of 2015 was the first grade in anyone’s memory to have a food fight at Saxe. And then we did it again the next year. We were just running up the score. In high school, we did lots of group projects and things to try and teach us how to work together. But we had already gotten 320 seventh graders to throw a burrito at the exact same time. There was nothing left to learn at that point.

People were really scared of how we were going to behave in high school. So scared in fact, that the principal ran away. And then his replacement could only take three years of us! However, the Class of 2015 has proven itself to be a mature, intelligent, and diverse group of people. Among our midsts are accomplished musicians, brilliant artists, champion athletes, groundbreaking scientists, and people that get invited to lots of parties. We have strong bonds that have been forged by the trials of high school. We got through the SAT without losing our minds. We got through Outback raves without losing our dignity. We got through this last month of school without losing our college acceptances. Ideally, one of you will be so successful that I can say I knew you in high school, which will make a wonderful conversation starter. Until that happens, enjoy yourself and keep in touch with your friends. At least that’s what Buzzfeed told me to tell you.

Teens Caught With Delicious Craft Brews in Traffic Stop

30 Apr

“Teens caught with cheap beer in Jeep

…An officer saw a vehicle matching that descriptionand pulled it over, according to a police spokesman. There were four youths in the vehicle, all male and all 16. Although none of them appeared intoxicated, the spokesman said, ‘the officer spotted in plain view a case of Keystone Light beer.'”

– New Canaan Advertiser

Four teens were issued infractions for possession of alcohol by a minor Saturday night, after a police officer pulled their vehicle over and noticed several locally-produced, artisan craft beers inside.

According to police reports, an officer noticed a black Jeep speeding on Main Avenue at 9:30 pm. After pulling the vehicle over, the officer noticed a considerable quantity of delicious small-batch, handmade, seasonal brews.

A further inspection of the vehicle revealed “2 six packs of Bad Monkey’s stellar new summer shandy, 3 bottles of a lovely lemon honey ale, a VSOP armagnac, and a nice Sonoma County burgundy, one of Wine Spectator’s 20 Top Budget Burgundies,” according to the same police report.

Sipping the evidence from a Belgian skein, Lieutenant Peter Moss commented on the bust. “These boys knew exactly what they were doing when they acquired these incredible craft brews,” Moss said, wiping a bit of foam from his upper lip. “Their biggest crime was probably keeping these fantastic beverages in a room-temperature car.”

Lieutenant Moss believes this bust is symbolic of a larger issue. “Kids today are drinking more and drinking better,” he said. “We show up to parties and find tons of incredible local brews. Nice tight carbonation, a one inch frothy head, fruity and hoppy varieties. This is what we’re up against.”

The officer also discovered precise scales and powerful butane torches in the vehicle. “The boys were intending to cook a nice saffron paella,” Moss said.

Lieutenant Moss sees underage consumption of tasty, refreshing craft brews, and all alcohol for that matter, as an important issue. “We need to teach kids that drinking is dangerous, whether you’re consuming the watery garbage that is cheap light beer, or the crown jewel of refreshment that is the craft brew,” Moss said. “At the end of the day, we need to take action as a community.”

6 Adorable Corgis Who Are Doing Absolutely Nothing To Solve The Humanitarian Crisis In Syria

21 Apr
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    Look at this adorable corgi. He’s got one ear up and one ear down – it just might be the cutest thing you’ve ever seen! Too bad this dog isn’t doing anything to address the growing humanitarian crisis in war-torn Syria, where innocent civilians are being murdered by their own government.
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    What a sweet little pup. Those soulful eyes remind me of those of Syrian refugee children. But, whereas this selfish corgi is sad about not getting any dinner, the kids are sad about losing their childhood to a brutal civil war that has lasted 4 years and seems to have no end in sight. But do you think this callous pooch gives a hoot? No, he’d much rather sit pretty for the camera than offer help to the more than 7.2 million internally displaced people in urgent need of help.
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    Whoa, corgi butts! What a pleasant surprise! But is it still pleasant when you remember that more than 220,000 people have died in this conflict? This disrespectful dog cares more about his glutes than the rapid growth of ISIS and other extremist groups. How cute.
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    This silly corgi got into the dishwasher! He doesn’t belong there, just like how Bashar al-Assad doesn’t belong in the homes of everyday civilians, wielding chemical weapons and instruments of torture. Hey Corgi, did you know that? Probably not, because you’re too busy pooping on plates to do anything nice for someone else.
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    BONUS. CORGIS. I promised you six, but it looks like you’re getting eight. That’s a lot like how the 4 million refugees are told they will be exposed to zero diseases in the camps, but are actually exposed to at least 8. These immature, sleazy, soulless corgis could do something to help Syrians suffering from dysentery, malaria, and cholera. But something tells me they’ll just keep running around with their tongues out. Shame on them.
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    Ha. Ha. Ha. What a silly dog. He’s taking a selfie in front of a cherry blossom tree. You think you’re so cute, you filthy animal. BUT PEOPLE ARE DYING. AN ENTIRE COUNTRY IS BEING DESTROYED. And all you care about is being the most popular pet on Instagram. You are going to Hell for this. May the Lord have mercy on your soul.

Which Hors D’Oeuvre Are You?

23 Mar

You wouldn’t be reading this if you weren’t racked by a nagging sensation that you’re an appetizer. But which bite-sized bundle of flavor are you? Take this quiz to find out!

1. Which of these outfits sounds most like something you would wear?

a. A t-shirt with a picture of a crostino on it.
b. A t-shirt with a picture of bruschetta on it.
c. A t-shirt with a picture of rumaki on it.
d. A single deviled egg on your head with no other clothing.

2. Your friends would describe you as…

a. Crisp and dry, like crostini.
b. Warm and juicy, like bruschetta.
c. Heavy and outdated, like rumaki.
d. Devilish and eggy, like a deviled egg.

3. Which of these sounds most like you at a party?

a. Standing in the corner, nursing a crostino.
b. Chatting with a group of bruschettas in the living room.
c. On the dancefloor, busting a move with a rumaki.
d. Standing on the kitchen table, yelling “Look at me! Look at me! I’m a deviled egg!”

4. Your favorite color is…

a. Crostini khaki.
b. Bruschetta carmine.
c. Rumaki umber.
d. Deviled egg.

5. Which of these famous quotes is your favorite?

a. “You must be the crostini you wish to see in the world.” – Mahatma Ghandi
b. “Bruschetta to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” – St. Augustine
c. “Rumaki is more important than knowledge.” – Albert Einstein
d. “I have a dream.” – Deviled Egg

6. Pick your favorite pop culture reference.

a. Crustyni the Clown from The Simpsons
b. Bruschetta James
c. Kangaroomaki Jack
d. The Deviled Wears Prada Egg

7. You’re at an elegant cocktail party. Tuxedoed waiters circle the room bearing silver trays, laden with hors d’oeuvres. Your mouth is watering. Your spine is tingling. The waiter approaches you deliberately, as though following a cosmic arc. He eyes you with great passion. You attempt to make a selection, but your brain is pulled in four separate directions, like the limbs of a Mongol prisoner-of-war attached to stampeding stallions. A crostino, a bruschetta, a rumaki, and a deviled egg dance above you like nymphs, whispering their seductive invitations into your ear. Nervously, you extend your hand toward the platter. Your mind’s defenses penetrated and your resolve weakened, you succumb to the temptations of which hors d’oeurves:

a. Pigs in a Blanket
b. Samosa
c. Crudités
d. Gravlax

If you answered mostly A, you’re enjoying a crostino! Crispety crunch! Crackle crack! You’re eating crostini, better than zucchini, linguine, or a miniature weenie!

If you answered mostly B, you’re indiscriminately eating any hors d’oeuvres you can get your hands on because you skipped lunch and you thought the hosts would serve dinner early. Well sucks for you, because you thought wrong.

If you answered mostly C, a waiter tripped and dumped a plate of rumaki all over you. You are so thoroughly covered, it’s hard to tell where the hors d’oeuvres end and your body begins. You are become rumaki, destroyer of worlds.

If you answered mostly D, you are a deviled egg.

A Word From Our Sponsors

21 Feb

Hi readers! I normally wouldn’t do this, but this post is going to contain no comedy. Instead, I’m handing the website over to my beloved father who is going to share a valuable investment opportunity with you. Read on for a chance to become rich beyond your wildest dreams.

 

Dear Readers of My Son’s Joke Website,

I’m excited to contact you today about a once-in-a-lifetime financial opportunity you can’t afford to miss.

Have you ever been dining in a Swiss-French restaurant and thought to yourself: “I wish this could be more convenient?” Do you know that feeling where you’re chowing down on some fondue or raclette and you think, “This is lovely, but I wish it didn’t take so long?” Well, here is your chance to get involved on the ground level of a fast food revolution. Introducing: Drive-Thru Fondue ®.

You might have thought that the only food that belongs in fast food is hamburgers and fries. But I’m here to tell you that the cauldrons of scalding oil, wheels of gooey cheese, and large quantities of raw meat and shellfish that characterize Alpen cuisine can have a place in your vehicle.

The premise is simple at Drive-Thru Fondue ®: approach the window, receive your order, and drive off with raw beef, shrimp, and scallops impaled on pointy forks and simmering in a steamy vat of boiling liquid. It’s just that easy.

The menu for Drive-Thru Fondue ® is constantly being improved, but it is built on a few core dishes. For appetizers, you have the classics. Raclette cheese, aged for over 180 days in a cave at every Drive-Thru Fondue ® franchise, is served with a disposable heat lamp to put on your dashboard. Keep the cheese warm and carve yourself some slices at stoplights. Cheese fondue is also a big mover. Our proprietary blend contains three gourmet cheeses and is served in a styrofoam container perfectly sized for your automotive cupholder. Avoid speed bumps, or the artisan French bread and decadent miniature vegetables might just fly out and cover your leather upholstery in molten Appenzeller. It is always fun when you find that rogue cornichon or pearl onion hidden underneath your seats, though…

For your entreé, indulge with Drive-Thru Fondue ®’s signature dish: Fondue Royale. With ample amounts of raw filet mignon and luxurious seafood, this affordable meal is sure to satisfy during your evening commute. Our simmering oil is a custom blend of 16 oils, 57 spices, and a tiny bit of witchcraft. When was the last time your dinner was exhilarating? Well, when our delicious recipe comes flying at your face and neck when you hit a pothole, you’ll know what it means to dine adventurously.

We at Drive-Thru Fondue ® are completely against distracted driving of all kinds. But, we are committed to food and road safety for our customers. Our ingredients are presented raw, which means they come laden with salmonella, E. Coli, tapeworms and other unseen assassins. While driving, avert your eyes from the road for a few moments to check that your food has been thoroughly heated. Additionally, be sure to completely sanitize all of your vehicle’s interior surfaces after handling all Drive-Thru Fondue ® fare.

Our first location is a huge hit in the local community and our grub is getting rave reviews every day. We were recently awarded four out of five forks by Fondue Fancy magazine, a leading industry publication. Furthermore, we were rated as “Adequate” by the local health department. Additionally, we are legally obligated to inform you of our “Abysmal and Life-Treatening” designation by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration.

Drive-Thru Fondue ® is ready to take the leap into the next level of fast food. We are looking for brand sponsors, franchisees, loose-moralled insurance executives and adept liability lawyers to be a part of the Drive-Thru Fondue ® family.

So join us. Open your wallets and come along for the ride. If you’re a hungry entrepreneur or simply a loyal patron of the fondue community, this is a can’t-miss opportunity to be a part of something big. It may seem like every big fast food chain is putting fondue on their menus these days. But remember:

At Drive-Thru Fondue ®, we fon-do it better.

Sincerely,

Heinz Sosnick
Restauranteur and Fondue Tycoon
Drive-Thru Fondue International

 

 

 

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