Tag Archives: 2015

The Graduation Speech I Didn’t Get to Say

19 Jun

Good morning. Before I get into my speech, I’ve been asked to make a few announcements. Due to the heat, all graduates are advised to be completely naked under their robes to help them stay cool. It’s the first all-commando graduation in history. Also, please keep a close eye on our elderly guests and make sure they avoid heat exhaustion. We know it’s annoying having them around your house, but it will be more annoying to have them to carry them back to the car after this. Just keep them in the shade. Lastly, please be sure to hydrate today. If you run out of water, you can refill your bottle underneath my mother’s eyes at any time during the ceremony.

Now, onto the speech. I’d like to thank my classmates, my family, and a Buzzfeed listicle called “19 Things to Say In Your Graduation Speech” for inspiring me. This is what I want to say you today: Dream big. Seize every opportunity that comes your way. Dare to be different. Thank you very much and congratulations to the Class of 2015!

But, in all honestly, I consider myself privileged to be a part of this graduating class. We’re so much better than all the other graduating classes, which are full of good-for-nothing losers. This grade has really grown up together. The Class of 2015 was the first grade in anyone’s memory to have a food fight at Saxe. And then we did it again the next year. We were just running up the score. In high school, we did lots of group projects and things to try and teach us how to work together. But we had already gotten 320 seventh graders to throw a burrito at the exact same time. There was nothing left to learn at that point.

People were really scared of how we were going to behave in high school. So scared in fact, that the principal ran away. And then his replacement could only take three years of us! However, the Class of 2015 has proven itself to be a mature, intelligent, and diverse group of people. Among our midsts are accomplished musicians, brilliant artists, champion athletes, groundbreaking scientists, and people that get invited to lots of parties. We have strong bonds that have been forged by the trials of high school. We got through the SAT without losing our minds. We got through Outback raves without losing our dignity. We got through this last month of school without losing our college acceptances. Ideally, one of you will be so successful that I can say I knew you in high school, which will make a wonderful conversation starter. Until that happens, enjoy yourself and keep in touch with your friends. At least that’s what Buzzfeed told me to tell you.

2015 World Beard and Mustache Championships

26 Nov

Now that Thanksgiving festivities are coming to a close, we Americans officially begin the Holiday season, and we eagerly await Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Leif Erickson Day, or whatever you celebrate. I however, feel as though these holidays are overshadowing something we all can look forward to – The 2015 World Beard and Mustache Championships in scenic Leogang, Austria!

This spectacular event, held every 4 years, is a venerable Mecca for facial hair enthusiasts the world over. Not only can you gawk at some of the finest beards, sideburns, and mustaches on this earth, but you can also mingle with other people and discuss razors, or gels, or whatever beard-lovers talk about at a get-together like this. Even better, the host city, Leogang, is known for its beautiful alpine scenery, and I’ve heard exciting rumors about some local yodeling troupes.

Willi Chevalier of Germany displaying his beard, which won first prize in the Freestyle and Partial categories.

But, like any high-profile event of this caliber, the location has caused some heated controversy. Many enthusiasts associated with Beard Team USA are complaining about two European championships in a row, (The 2011 Championships were held in Norway) and were gunning for the competition to come stateside. This minor complaint is still usually augmented with a statement about the excitement with which the news arrived. I also find myself aligning with these folks, as I hope to have some semblance of facial hair by 2019.

Now, this post must come to a close, as the excitement is getting to me, too. Besides, I need to book tickets before they sell out.

P.S. Go here (www.worldbeardchampionships.com) for news and results from international beard competition.

%d bloggers like this: