Archive | May, 2013

Don’t Forget to Tip the Waitress

15 May

(Scene is a crowded diner. Waitresses bustle to and fro. A party of one [a very mediocre party if you ask me] sits down at a booth. A waitress tends to him.)

WAITRESS: Hello, welcome! Can I start you off with something to drink?
CUSTOMER: I come here pretty often, I know what I’ll have to eat as well.
WAITRESS: Oh, I’m sorry, I’m new here. It’s my first day. So, what will you have?
CUSTOMER: I’ll start off with a house salad.
WAITRESS: With which dressing?
CUSTOMER: What are my choices?
WAITRESS: You can choose to have a dressing, or just the vegetables with nothing on it.
CUSTOMER: I’ll have Thousand Island.
WAITRESS: And what do you want for your entree?
CUSTOMER: I’ll have the fish.
WAITRESS: Really, the fish? In a place like this?
CUSTOMER (blank stare): Huh?
WAITRESS: Oh, sorry. It’s just so easy to forget you’re supposed to sell the food. It is my first day after all.
CUSTOMER: Let’s actually make that a steak sandwich.
WAITRESS: Sure. Umm, could you point that out on a menu?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know where it is on the menu, I just ask for it. I get it all the time.
WAITRESS: That’s okay. Could you just explain the dish to me?
CUSTOMER (condescending): Well, it’s like a piece of steak. On a piece of bread. A steak sandwich.
WAITRESS: So is that a hamburger? With steak on bread?
CUSTOMER: No, it’s like a steak sandwich. Just tell the cooks my order.
WAITRESS: I’m sorry, but I don’t really know how to communicate this to the chef.
CUSTOMER (exasperated): Really? You could just say, like, “Un sandwich de bistec para la cliente allá.”
WAITRESS (laughs): No, they speak English. It’s just I can’t quite figure out how to describe a steak sandwich without making it sound like a hamburger.
CUSTOMER (putting his face in his palms): You know what? Just call it a hamburger.
WAITRESS: Great! One hamburger. Would you like fries on the side?
CUSTOMER: Sure.
WAITRESS: Regular, crinkle cut, waffle, or pancake?
CUSTOMER: Waffle.
WAITRESS:  I’m sorry, we can only serve waffles past noon because it’s a breakfast item.
CUSTOMER: Waffle fries are a breakfast item?
WAITRESS: I’m sorry, you can only order from the dinner menu now.
CUSTOMER (confused): Wait, can you not serve waffles or waffle fries?
WAITRESS: Um, let me ask: (yelling across room) Hey, Shelley! Can we serve waffle fries now?
SHELLEY: We don’t even serve waffle fries here!
WAITRESS (to customer): I’m sorry, we don’t have waf-
CUSTOMER (testy): I heard. Crinkle cut is fine.
WAITRESS: Ok. And would you like any extra maple syrup?
CUSTOMER (confused): For my steak sandwich?
WAITRESS (frazzled): Oh, no, I’m sorry. I just keep seeing waffle and it throws me off.
CUSTOMER (upset): Could you just go put my order in now?
WAITRESS: Yes. One hamburger with waffle fries coming right up!
(The waitress leaves without the customer correcting her. She returns 55 minutes later with a slab of raw meat between two waffles.)
CUSTOMER (quickly): Take that back. I refuse to eat it.
WAITRESS (alarmed): What? Why?
CUSTOMER (irate): Why? First of all, two waffles does not a steak sandwich make. Second, the meat is completely raw! Where did you even get raw meat like this?
WAITRESS (meekly): I saw it next to the grill, and I just thought that’s where the cooks put the food for us to take it out.
CUSTOMER (snarky): Did you ever think, that just maybe, it was there so they could grill it?
WAITRESS: I didn’t know! It’s my first day.
CUSTOMER (exhausted): Could you please just take this back and cook it to medium rare?
WAITRESS: You want me to cook it to medium rare? I don’t really think I’m qualified. I’m just a first-day waitress.
(The customer does not justify that comment with a reply. Shelley calls from across the diner and the waitress goes toward her.)
SHELLEY (yelling to waitress): Did you just serve that man waffles? You know we can’t do breakfast items past noon!

The Sugardaddie Manifesto

7 May

SugarDaddie.com has made an offer to rename the town [of New Canaan, CT] to SugarDaddie.com, USA. The online dating website made an offer of $9.85 million to First Selectman Robert Mallozzi III and other city officials in writing March 29, a statement from SugarDaddie.com said. – The New Canaan Daily Voice

Since ancient times, the single and wealthy have lived in hiding, seeking the company (and bank information) of each other in obscurity. From the horrors of this secrecy and persecution came solidarity, and with great courage and greediness, the gold-diggers of the world rose up from the dark depths of the financially-motivated dating scene.

Now, in the modern era, the affluent, single, and ready to mingle have a new vehicle for social advancement in Sugardaddie.com. a powerful corporation whose passion for Sugardaddie rights is exceeded only by their thirst for credit card numbers. They are willing to make dramatic claims regarding their financial situation. In short, they represent the Sugardaddie lifestyle to an unparalleled degree.

Their guerilla tactics in the war for Sugardaddie rights are brilliant not only in their effectiveness, but in their subtlety. Their offer to rebrand a town for a seven-digit sum takes advertising to a new standard of taste. Who but Sugardaddie.com could blend symbolism, class, and clever wordplay like they have in their demand for the erection of a Hugh Hefner statue in front of town hall? Nobody. It is their unrelenting knack for great leaps forward in Sugardaddie rights that make our future so promising.

For now, the Sugardaddie community has only one direction to look: forward. Take your wallets and money clips and stand together! Sugarbabes, call to your Sugardaddies and say: unite! Gone are the days of trying to impress your ex-spouse with your new partner’s boat in secrecy! Soon, we can build a world in the image of Sugardaddie.com and raise our children in a place where the classy, attractive, and affluent meet.

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