Don’t Forget to Tip the Waitress

15 May

(Scene is a crowded diner. Waitresses bustle to and fro. A party of one [a very mediocre party if you ask me] sits down at a booth. A waitress tends to him.)

WAITRESS: Hello, welcome! Can I start you off with something to drink?
CUSTOMER: I come here pretty often, I know what I’ll have to eat as well.
WAITRESS: Oh, I’m sorry, I’m new here. It’s my first day. So, what will you have?
CUSTOMER: I’ll start off with a house salad.
WAITRESS: With which dressing?
CUSTOMER: What are my choices?
WAITRESS: You can choose to have a dressing, or just the vegetables with nothing on it.
CUSTOMER: I’ll have Thousand Island.
WAITRESS: And what do you want for your entree?
CUSTOMER: I’ll have the fish.
WAITRESS: Really, the fish? In a place like this?
CUSTOMER (blank stare): Huh?
WAITRESS: Oh, sorry. It’s just so easy to forget you’re supposed to sell the food. It is my first day after all.
CUSTOMER: Let’s actually make that a steak sandwich.
WAITRESS: Sure. Umm, could you point that out on a menu?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know where it is on the menu, I just ask for it. I get it all the time.
WAITRESS: That’s okay. Could you just explain the dish to me?
CUSTOMER (condescending): Well, it’s like a piece of steak. On a piece of bread. A steak sandwich.
WAITRESS: So is that a hamburger? With steak on bread?
CUSTOMER: No, it’s like a steak sandwich. Just tell the cooks my order.
WAITRESS: I’m sorry, but I don’t really know how to communicate this to the chef.
CUSTOMER (exasperated): Really? You could just say, like, “Un sandwich de bistec para la cliente allá.”
WAITRESS (laughs): No, they speak English. It’s just I can’t quite figure out how to describe a steak sandwich without making it sound like a hamburger.
CUSTOMER (putting his face in his palms): You know what? Just call it a hamburger.
WAITRESS: Great! One hamburger. Would you like fries on the side?
WAITRESS: Regular, crinkle cut, waffle, or pancake?
WAITRESS:  I’m sorry, we can only serve waffles past noon because it’s a breakfast item.
CUSTOMER: Waffle fries are a breakfast item?
WAITRESS: I’m sorry, you can only order from the dinner menu now.
CUSTOMER (confused): Wait, can you not serve waffles or waffle fries?
WAITRESS: Um, let me ask: (yelling across room) Hey, Shelley! Can we serve waffle fries now?
SHELLEY: We don’t even serve waffle fries here!
WAITRESS (to customer): I’m sorry, we don’t have waf-
CUSTOMER (testy): I heard. Crinkle cut is fine.
WAITRESS: Ok. And would you like any extra maple syrup?
CUSTOMER (confused): For my steak sandwich?
WAITRESS (frazzled): Oh, no, I’m sorry. I just keep seeing waffle and it throws me off.
CUSTOMER (upset): Could you just go put my order in now?
WAITRESS: Yes. One hamburger with waffle fries coming right up!
(The waitress leaves without the customer correcting her. She returns 55 minutes later with a slab of raw meat between two waffles.)
CUSTOMER (quickly): Take that back. I refuse to eat it.
WAITRESS (alarmed): What? Why?
CUSTOMER (irate): Why? First of all, two waffles does not a steak sandwich make. Second, the meat is completely raw! Where did you even get raw meat like this?
WAITRESS (meekly): I saw it next to the grill, and I just thought that’s where the cooks put the food for us to take it out.
CUSTOMER (snarky): Did you ever think, that just maybe, it was there so they could grill it?
WAITRESS: I didn’t know! It’s my first day.
CUSTOMER (exhausted): Could you please just take this back and cook it to medium rare?
WAITRESS: You want me to cook it to medium rare? I don’t really think I’m qualified. I’m just a first-day waitress.
(The customer does not justify that comment with a reply. Shelley calls from across the diner and the waitress goes toward her.)
SHELLEY (yelling to waitress): Did you just serve that man waffles? You know we can’t do breakfast items past noon!

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