Tag Archives: cooking

The 5 Best Restaurants in Philadelphia

13 Jun

 

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1. El Juanete

This dingy hole-in-the-wall is considered the most authentic El Salvadorian spot in the city. Chef Rodrigo Carrera, who moonlights as a certified nursing assistant, is so committed to an authentic dining experience that he only serves citizens of El Salvador. Be sure to bring a birth certificate or two forms of government-issued identification when you arrive for your reservation.

 

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2. The Chuck E Cheese on Snyder Avenue

Trust us. Under the direction of new part-time manager Paulette Robinson, this upscale children’s bistro has become one of the hottest in the city. The intimate but refined environment features a lively arcade section and waiters dressed smartly in children’s snot. The upgraded menu includes quinoa-breaded Krazy Nuggets!™ and a Super Sausage Pizzazz Pizza™ baked without love by a Taiwanese man in a massive wood-fired brick hearth.

 

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3. Le Chien Mort

With prices like these, a restaurant better deliver. Thankfully, Le Chien goes above and beyond expectations every time. This rustic French establishment borders on stuffy with its classic decor and persnickety service, but the menu proves inventive time and time again by focusing on just one ingredient: dog meat. St. Bernard Kebabs with Farro Streusel and Doberman pot-au-feu are paired against Jamaican Jerk Cavalier King Charles Spaniel in this landmark tasting menu. Reservations are hard to get and dependent on supply, so follow the ASPCA Facebook page for culling schedules.

 

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4. Fish.

Fish. opened to a slow start two years ago, but has gained critical buzz since changing ownership last fall. Chef Waldo Fritz caused controversy with his concept, which spins the traditional seafood restaurant model on its head. Instead of the customer selecting his meal from the tank, a certified animal psychic will ask the fish which one would like to be eaten to you. This special attention to the ingredients leads to immaculately prepared dishes, assuming a fish deems you worthy of eating it. This reviewer was sadly not selected by any fish or crustaceans and went home hungry.

 

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5. 4631 Chestnut Street

Every once in a while, a restaurant can enter the realm of legend. 4631 Chestnut has done just that in the past two years through their total commitment to atmosphere. Their small street presence in a residential neighborhood makes the restaurant seem like just another family home. Don’t be turned away but the inviting exterior – you must knock to gain entry. A kindly old man will greet you at the door, but any mention of a reservation or fine dining experience will be returned with confusion. Only by saying that you were just in a car accident, are a lost child, or make a compelling pitch as a door-to-door salesman will you be invited inside for a tuna sandwich (prepared tableside). Peerless.

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7 Amazing Date Night Recipes You Could Use if You Weren’t So Unappealing

12 Jan

Inviting someone over for a homemade dinner is a bold and romantic move. A delicious dish can win their hearts, but there’s nothing more embarrassing than them not liking your cooking. You will never experience either of these results because you are unlikable and uninteresting and nobody wants to eat dinner with you. Here are 7 easy recipes you can include in your pointless fantasies.

1. Herb Roasted Chicken with Arugula and Cranberry Salad

This is a surprisingly simple recipe, but it takes a fair amount of prep time. But that’s not an issue, because you have lots of free time. Nobody has called to make plans. You don’t have any hobbies. It’s just day in, day out for you.

2. Wild Mushroom and Sherry Risotto

Unusual ingredients will suggest to your date that you have taste and class. Too bad you have neither of those things. You are a slob.

3. Seared Lamb Chops with Roasted Cherry Tomatoes

This savory dish goes great with a nice red wine. That’s pretty convenient considering your evening plans were to drink an entire bottle of red wine alone and fall asleep. Sexy!

4. Peppery Spaghetti Carbonara with Pecorino Romano

Spice up an old classic by substituting parmesan cheese with romano. Will anyone notice this subtle change? Maybe your coworker Jess might when she takes the leftovers you bring for lunch tomorrow. She always steals your food because she knows you don’t stand up for yourself and fear confrontation.

5. Mediterranean Fatoosh with Parsley

This is a flavorful dish that contains no meat and requires little prep work. If you ever meet someone that can look past the darkness in your eyes AND that person is vegetarian, try this recipe. I’m sure you’ll pretend to be vegetarian in a desperate attempt to find something in common with them.

6. Lemon and Mint Braised Chicken with White Beans

Your (non-existent) date will think you’re a master chef. But only you and I know that this recipe can be made by extremely inept people, such as yourself. The fresh mint will keep your breath ready for a little smooching after the meal. I’m sorry, I should not tease you like that. Nobody is kissing your ugly mug no matter what you cook.

7. Brown Butter Scallops for One

It’s not worth pretending anymore. You are alone. Deeply, hopelessly, inexorably alone. The earlier you accept it, the happier you will be. This delightful meal sized for one sad person will help you do that.

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Gang Busters

1 Dec

Sorry for the long hiatus, everybody. I’ve been hard at work doing stand-up and improv at school. Stay tuned for a stand-up album and a film adaptation of this sketch coming very soon.

You can click on the pages to enlarge them.

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Doctors Hate This: The ONE Weird Diet Trick You Can’t Afford to Miss

4 Feb

You. Yes, you. Are you looking to change your life? Is the food you’re eating keeping you healthy, spry, and full of vigor? But are you having fun? Are you looking to poison your body and mind with the food you eat, but have a great time while doing it? Then we have a diet for you.

Introducing the gluten-only diet. Carbs and starches 24/7. We’re talking artisan breads, luxurious pastas, and luxurious artisan breads. If that sounds delicious and uncomfortable, you’re right. Let’s walk you through it.

Breakfast, that’s easy. Two Pop-tarts, straight out of the microwave. But remember, this is the gluten only diet. Go ahead and scrape off that strawberry frosting. Siphon out the jelly filling with a syringe or small vacuum . Feel good yet?

For lunch, head on over to the altar of gluten, the cathedral of carbohydrates, Panera Breads. Grab yourself some clam chowder in a breadbowl. Then dump the clam chowder in a trashcan. Order a second empty breadbowl. Savor it. Enjoy yourself.

If you’re hungry, the gluten-only movement offers many great snack choices. Couscous, spätzle, matzoh. If you’re thirsty, have a beer or some soda, boiled down to just the syrup. Your mouth should feel dry and starchy, if you’re doing it right.

Dinner is the easiest meal of the day. Four words: Olive Garden unlimited breadsticks.

If you’re appetized by now, that’s normal. But know that the gluten-only movement isn’t all peaches and cream. In fact, peaches and cream are completely forbidden. You may gain 30 pounds in a week. You may go months without a bowel movement. Your body may be as doughy as the foods you’re eating.

This diet will test your willpower. A waiter might say “Do you want a side salad with that plain pasta?” to which you’ll reply: “No. I only eat gluten.” Your body will scream for a single baby carrot. Your belly will beg for roughage. But you can’t spell gluten-only without willpower.

Support is the bread and butter of any successful diet. With us, it’s just the bread. Our official gluten-only community, Flour Power, will be there for you every step of the way. Share wheat-based recipes, debate the pros and cons of spaghetti and linguine, and find solace in the company of others who eschew the devil of gluten from their lives.

Only gluten. Only happiness. www.breadheads.com

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Eggheads

26 Feb

(A teacher is seated at his desk in front of a class. The students prepare to deliver history presentations.)

TEACHER: Thanks for having these presentations ready, guys. I know they seem like a pain now, but they will really help you in life. I promise you that.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconstruction in the Deep South.
TEACHER: It’s so important – sorry to interrupt. It’s so important to be able to speak to your peers like this. It really is.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconstruction in the Deep-
TEACHER: Like, you walk into the teacher’s lounge everyday and that smug geek from the math department’s eating your sandwich again. You need to talk to him and clearly let him know how you feel. That’s why I have you do these speeches.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconst-
TEACHER: He totally knows it’s your sandwich, too! Every day, he just forgets that the egg salad in the Tupperware with my name on it isn’t his. Like who does that?
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main prop-
TEACHER: And you walk in there and he’s standing by the fridge with that smug little grin. He’s got egg salad all around his mouth and he’s just looking at you like he’s got his hand in the cookie in the jar. At that point, in these circumstances, you just need to stand up and say something, am I right? That’s why we do this in class. To prepare for you crap like this.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a ma-
TEACHER: And then the next day, he doesn’t even that audacity to hide the sandwich. He’s parading the egg salad around so everyone can see his conquest. He’s got a mischievous little twinkle in his eye and you walk right up to him and you’re about to give him a piece of your mind, when he just wipes that defiled shell of a sandwich right underneath my nose.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes-
TEACHER: He’s drawing me into the ring. He’s the pauncey matador luring the bull into the ring. But this bull isn’t just going to scratch the dirt and snarl. I came to play.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hay-
TEACHER: I throw the chump against the refrigerator and I start shoving the egg salad into his face. And he’s breaking into a cold sweat and staring into my eyes like they’re two smoking gun barrels. I’m there feeling pure power, every little cog in my toned physique creating me into one massive, pulsing muscle.
STUDENT: Rutherford B-
TEACHER: Looking past his eyes and into his soul, I know that this coward has already surrendered. Silently, he’s telling me, “I always knew it was yours. It was your name on the Tupperware. It was your egg salad.”
STUDENT: Rutherfo-
TEACHER: He has surrendered, but I am merciful. I take my arm off his throat, waving the sandwich in the air as a glorious flag of victory.
STUDENT: Ruthe-
TEACHER: Meanwhile, the entire teaching faculty has gathered around. Inspired by my swift and righteous act of justice, they stand behind me in unwavering support. Breaking the deafening silence, the principal, “Now, tell him off once and for all!”
STUDENT: Ru-
TEACHER: In my mind, I prepare the most elegant, graceful, and passionate piece of oratory this world has ever known. Supreme in its diction, unparalleled in its passion, I bask in the glory of this moment.
STUDENT: (breath)
TEACHER: I steady my breath, plant my feet, and prepare to bring this sad sack to his knees with the thundering force of the spoken word.
STUDENT: So, what’d you end up saying?
TEACHER: Oh, I just walked away. I don’t do well at public speaking.

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Don’t Forget to Tip the Waitress

15 May

(Scene is a crowded diner. Waitresses bustle to and fro. A party of one [a very mediocre party if you ask me] sits down at a booth. A waitress tends to him.)

WAITRESS: Hello, welcome! Can I start you off with something to drink?
CUSTOMER: I come here pretty often, I know what I’ll have to eat as well.
WAITRESS: Oh, I’m sorry, I’m new here. It’s my first day. So, what will you have?
CUSTOMER: I’ll start off with a house salad.
WAITRESS: With which dressing?
CUSTOMER: What are my choices?
WAITRESS: You can choose to have a dressing, or just the vegetables with nothing on it.
CUSTOMER: I’ll have Thousand Island.
WAITRESS: And what do you want for your entree?
CUSTOMER: I’ll have the fish.
WAITRESS: Really, the fish? In a place like this?
CUSTOMER (blank stare): Huh?
WAITRESS: Oh, sorry. It’s just so easy to forget you’re supposed to sell the food. It is my first day after all.
CUSTOMER: Let’s actually make that a steak sandwich.
WAITRESS: Sure. Umm, could you point that out on a menu?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know where it is on the menu, I just ask for it. I get it all the time.
WAITRESS: That’s okay. Could you just explain the dish to me?
CUSTOMER (condescending): Well, it’s like a piece of steak. On a piece of bread. A steak sandwich.
WAITRESS: So is that a hamburger? With steak on bread?
CUSTOMER: No, it’s like a steak sandwich. Just tell the cooks my order.
WAITRESS: I’m sorry, but I don’t really know how to communicate this to the chef.
CUSTOMER (exasperated): Really? You could just say, like, “Un sandwich de bistec para la cliente allá.”
WAITRESS (laughs): No, they speak English. It’s just I can’t quite figure out how to describe a steak sandwich without making it sound like a hamburger.
CUSTOMER (putting his face in his palms): You know what? Just call it a hamburger.
WAITRESS: Great! One hamburger. Would you like fries on the side?
CUSTOMER: Sure.
WAITRESS: Regular, crinkle cut, waffle, or pancake?
CUSTOMER: Waffle.
WAITRESS:  I’m sorry, we can only serve waffles past noon because it’s a breakfast item.
CUSTOMER: Waffle fries are a breakfast item?
WAITRESS: I’m sorry, you can only order from the dinner menu now.
CUSTOMER (confused): Wait, can you not serve waffles or waffle fries?
WAITRESS: Um, let me ask: (yelling across room) Hey, Shelley! Can we serve waffle fries now?
SHELLEY: We don’t even serve waffle fries here!
WAITRESS (to customer): I’m sorry, we don’t have waf-
CUSTOMER (testy): I heard. Crinkle cut is fine.
WAITRESS: Ok. And would you like any extra maple syrup?
CUSTOMER (confused): For my steak sandwich?
WAITRESS (frazzled): Oh, no, I’m sorry. I just keep seeing waffle and it throws me off.
CUSTOMER (upset): Could you just go put my order in now?
WAITRESS: Yes. One hamburger with waffle fries coming right up!
(The waitress leaves without the customer correcting her. She returns 55 minutes later with a slab of raw meat between two waffles.)
CUSTOMER (quickly): Take that back. I refuse to eat it.
WAITRESS (alarmed): What? Why?
CUSTOMER (irate): Why? First of all, two waffles does not a steak sandwich make. Second, the meat is completely raw! Where did you even get raw meat like this?
WAITRESS (meekly): I saw it next to the grill, and I just thought that’s where the cooks put the food for us to take it out.
CUSTOMER (snarky): Did you ever think, that just maybe, it was there so they could grill it?
WAITRESS: I didn’t know! It’s my first day.
CUSTOMER (exhausted): Could you please just take this back and cook it to medium rare?
WAITRESS: You want me to cook it to medium rare? I don’t really think I’m qualified. I’m just a first-day waitress.
(The customer does not justify that comment with a reply. Shelley calls from across the diner and the waitress goes toward her.)
SHELLEY (yelling to waitress): Did you just serve that man waffles? You know we can’t do breakfast items past noon!

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Cooking with Sass

19 Apr

(A young man walks into a Williams-Sonoma cooking supply store. He is greeted by a female sales assistant.)

EMPLOYEE: Hi! How can I help you today?
CUSTOMER: Hello, I’m looking to buy a birthday gift for my girlfriend. She likes cooking and I’m thinking of getting her something food-related. Like a whisk or something.
EMPLOYEE (giggly): Well, I don’t know if she’d really appreciate getting a whisk on her big day.
CUSTOMER (sheepishly): What do you recommend then?
EMPLOYEE: Have you considered any of our high-end specialty appliances? They’re a bit more expensive but they make a great gift.
CUSTOMER (confused): What are those? Appliances like a refrigerator?
EMPLOYEE: Oh, no. They’re a lot less useful than that. Here, come take a look. (walks toward wall lined with machines) This is a pie maker.
CUSTOMER: What?
EMPLOYEE: It’s an automatic pie maker. You just put the crust on the bottom, pour in your filling, close the lid, and it bakes the perfect pie.
CUSTOMER: Can’t you just do that in an oven?
EMPLOYEE: You could just do it in an oven, but this is not the ’40’s. You could just walk places, but the modern man drives.
CUSTOMER: I don’t think I follow that analogy…
EMPLOYEE: Alright, well what about this bread maker?
CUSTOMER (skeptical): That just seems like another oven.
EMPLOYEE: That’s fair. If you feel like cooking the Assyrian way. We also have the electric wok, if you’re interested.
CUSTOMER: Why not just put a normal wok on the stove? Isn’t that a lot cheaper?
EMPLOYEE: But with this you have the privilege of not using a stove.
CUSTOMER: Do you have anything else?
EMPLOYEE (becoming exasperated): Well, there’s the electric yogurt maker.
CUSTOMER: Excuse me? How much is that one?
EMPLOYEE: The yogurt maker is actually our second most affordable option after the panini press, at $129. But you do have to factor in another twenty bucks for the yogurt machine cleaner.
CUSTOMER: Why? What’s wrong with normal detergent?
EMPLOYEE: Well, normal soaps and dishwashers aren’t designed to handle appliances that purposefully incubate bacteria inside of then.
CUSTOMER: Yeah, that doesn’t sound safe to have in the house. Do you have anything less, you know, disease-breeding?
EMPLOYEE: The spice grinder is fairly sterile.
CUSTOMER: But what does it do?
EMPLOYEE: It lets you grind raw spices into the powders like you’d find in the supermarket in the comfort of your own home.
CUSTOMER: But where do you even get raw, unground spices? I don’t really have a contact with the Dutch East India Company.
EMPLOYEE: Actually, we do sell the spices here for use with it. They’re included with the grinder for an additional thirty dollars.
CUSTOMER: Of course they are. You know what, I think I’ll just go with the whisk.
EMPLOYEE: Are you looking for more of a dough whisk or a sauce whisk, because we have both. We also have an electric whisk if you want that kind of thing, too.
CUSTOMER: I think we’ll just order in dinner tonight.

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The Watertown Feminists E-Newsletter

30 Oct

Hello ladies,

Unfortunately, due to Hurricane Sandy, the Watertown County Feminists will not be meeting this week. However, next week’s meeting at Judy’s house is as scheduled. Due to the scheduling conflict, we will have the pot-luck at Judy’s (dibs on potato salad!) and the bring-a-friend-night will happen in November.

However, just because we aren’t meeting doesn’t mean we are relieved of our duty to fight male chauvinism this hurricane season. Every autumn, we are assaulted by a barrage of anti-women propaganda, as storms are dubbed with an offensive womanly nomenclature. This sly insinuation of the women’s stormy, disruptive characteristics can not be continued, and as proud females for females, we have the power to stop it. The continued naming of tropical storms after women is a crude effort by our own government to paint women as dangerous inconveniences to society, and we must wage our guerilla efforts with increased fervor this hurricane season.

– Lisa

P.S. I still have dibs on the potato salad.

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Three Pounds of “A” Cut

21 Sep

(An elderly woman marches into her supermarket holding a brisket. She makes a beeline for the meat counter and plunks her tray down.)

WOMAN: Does this look like A-grade brisket? Does it?

BUTCHER: Brisket? How much?

WOMAN: This brisket. I ordered A-grade brisket and this is tough. It’s way too tough to be A-grade.

BUTCHER: No English. See manager. No English. Just cut brisket for gringos.

(The woman finds the meat manager at the front of the store.)

WOMAN: Last week, I bought three pounds of “A” brisket. I cooked it and it came out gray and tough. That sounds more like “B” to me.

MANAGER: I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do for you. You cooked the brisket and it didn’t turn out great. It’s unfortunate.

WOMAN: Do you mean to insinuate that I botched this brisket? I think that illegal behind the counter did when he gave me the B-grade cut.

MANAGER: Oh no, it’s not a problem with your cooking, it’s just that I can’t accept a gray brisket for a return.

WOMAN: So you see it, too. It’s a gray, tough brisket. Not the A-cut. Do you think, that with my recipe, a nice cut of beef would turn out like this? Frankly, it’s an insult to my honor.

MANAGER (irritated): Well, how’d you cook it? Because my mom always used to simmer it with gravy, trim the fat, and then use the fat to make the gravy.

WOMAN (appalled): Amateur. You leave the fat in the sauce, it’s what softens up the meat. Everyone knows that.

MANAGER (sarcastically): If it does such a good job softening the meat then, why does your brisket look like this?

WOMAN (angered): Don’t get fresh with me. I’ve been coming to this butcher for years now, and I know for a fact the old management would never have made such a debacle with their brisket. What you’re doing is unprofessional.

MANAGER (defeated): Fine, I can give you half off your next purchase, but that’s all-

WOMAN (with attitude): It’s un-pro-fessional. Wait until the girls in my bridge group hear about this.

MANAGER (manipulated): Fine. You can have three pounds of brisket on the house. Will that shut you up?

WOMAN: That’ll do. And I want the gravy, too. And have him wash his hands. He looked dingy.

MANAGER (exhausted): I’ll make sure he’s sanitary. I’ll bring you your order in fifteen minutes.

(Manager leaves.)

WOMAN (calling after him): Make sure it’s the “A” cut!

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Leave It to the Professionals

23 Aug

In an effort to revitalize their flavor line, Lay’s has created an online contest in which ordinary people (and me) can pitch their own ideas for the next great potato chip taste by combining three ingredients. These are a couple of my creations:

Subway Bathroom – Nacho Cheese, Vodka, and Loneliness

Frat Life – Instant Ramen, Mac ‘n’ Cheese, and Punch

Passover with Grandma Sadie – Matzoh Balls, Gefilte Fish, and Horseradish

The New Brooklyn – Cupcakes, Bison Jerky, and Beard Gel

90’s Osaka – Octopus, Sushi Rice, Hello Kitty Minifigure

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