Archive | May, 2012

What Are You Reading?

28 May

(Two people are seated across from each other on the subway. Both are reading on e-readers. The male addresses the female and catches her attention.)

PETER: Say, what are you reading on that Nook?

MARGE: Oh, this is Kafka. Don’t you just love his use of symbolism?

PETER: Very much, very much indeed. At the moment I’m reading Thoreau’s poetry from the 1830’s. It really moves beyond the quotidian nature scenes of the era. Do you enjoy transcendentalism? Have you read Ralph Waldo Emerson?

MARGE: Transcendenta-what? Oh, transcendentalentalentalism. I know that rather well. He’s the guy that wears a red striped sweater in that kids search-and-find book, yes?

PETER: I was flipping through The New Yorker this morning and I saw a review of a new play coming out this week. It’s a four hour dialogue between pieces of hair on the head of a Pakistani orphan. Care to join me?

MARGE: Sure. Sounds great.

PETER: Ah, it’s a frisson getting to know such a literary bon vivant as yourself. It is so taxing, listening to the endless droll of these  uneducated louts, don’t you agree?

MARGE: I have a confession to make. This isn’t Kafka. It’s 50 Shades of Grey. I said it was Kafka to impress you.

PETER: I also have a confession to make. I don’t read the New Yorker; my niece did that play with her drama club last winter. And this isn’t Thoreau, either. It’s a novelization of the second Transformers movie.

Mitt Romney on a Sunday Afternoon

22 May

Last week, Mitt Romney held an exclusive brunch at one of the homes in our town. Obviously, the best way for Mitt to avoid my ridicule is to show up at an intimate social setting in the largest mansion in town. So, without further ado, some choice sound bites from the campaign brunch on Sunday.

“America is a land of hard workers. The people are ready to go find a job, but Barack Obama is preventing them. We need someone in-touch with the everyman, someone who gets people like this waiter! While I have your attention, Pablo, I think we ran out of smoked salmon. Oh, and ease up on the caviar. Prices are soaring since belugas went on the endangered species list.”

“I’m sick of the way airlines get special tax exemptions. I try to boycott their businesses because of the way they abuse the consumer. That’s why I always fly charter.”

“Oh, you’re from Mexico? My father was born there. Don’t you just love Acapulco in May? Hello? Hablas inglés? Where is your green card?”

“The American textiles industry has a lot of growth potential. In fact, it could be one of the biggest job producers. My sweater? Oh, this is hand-made Peruvian cashmere. Please don’t touch it.”

The Garage Sale Snafu

12 May

Garage sales are great. It’s amazing how one person’s trash becomes another man’s trash in six months. However, it’s important to make sure that underneath the great prices and permanent mustiness, you actually understand what product you’re getting.

KATE: Wow…these self-help tapes were so cheap at that garage sale. I think I’ll finish this one…

TAPE: Who’s powerful?

KATE: I am!

TAPE: Who’s confident?

KATE: I am!

TAPE: Who’s ready to take on the world?

KATE: I am!

TAPE: This is the first tape in my new audio diary. Obviously, I decided to use some old self-help cassettes instead of buying new, blank sets. If you’re hearing this, please turn it off immediately/

KATE: Wait, what?

TAPE: October 7, 1985 – Today, I didn’t leave the house. I still haven’t exactly come to terms with the death of my goldfish, so I sit laid on the couch in my underwear and cried.

KATE: Maybe I should turn this off…

TAPE: Thankfully, nobody will ever get to know that I, Ken Jacobs, mourned the death of my goldfish for three weeks. My therapist says an excess of attachment has caused my difficulties in letting go, and has recommended I move out of my mother’s house. I’m almost packed, but I don’t think I can bring my whole seashell collection.

KATE: This is so … horrifying.

TAPE: Well, I think today’s entry is over. I need to file my toenails. The fungus came back.

KATE: Please tell me I bought the next tape…

Mind Your P’s and Q’s

6 May

Parents who want the best for their children go to great lengths to teach their children proper manners. However, I’m forced to wonder if kids actually get the message beyond the importance of not picking your nose when others are looking.

WILL: MOM! MOM! Make me a sandwich! MOM!

MOM: Will, what do we say?

WILL: Mom, you fat slob! Hurry up with my sandwich!

MOM: What do we say when we want a favor?

WILL: Hurry up you fat slob, please?

MOM: Good boy. And what do we say after someone gives you something?

WILL: Maybe you could have done it faster if you took your fat rolls out of your ears, but thank you.

MOM: That’s right, we say thank you. And how was school today?

WILL: Pretty good. We made sand art, but you’re probably not familiar with that. You don’t have very much time outside of the kitchen.

MOM: WILL! You’re being very rude!

WILL: Thank you?

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