Tag Archives: sale

Wal-Mart’s Best Black Friday Deals

29 Nov

6:00 PM Thursday

  • Automatically entered to win a copy of “Commercialist Tramplings: 3D”
  • 50% off Unhappy Sales Employee Action Figure (time with family not included)
  • One free night in a tent at a Walmart of your choosing

8:00 PM Thursday

  • Complimentary nagging thought of what Thanksgiving would have been like
  • 25% off a toaster oven you didn’t know you needed until now
  • $100 off a TV whose horrific reviews seem meaningless at this price

8:00 AM Friday

  • $50 off your child still whining because you bought the wrong iPod
  • 100% off your own value of sleep and relaxation
  • Free sense of impending holiday doom with purchase of discounted Christmas decorations

The Garage Sale Snafu

12 May

Garage sales are great. It’s amazing how one person’s trash becomes another man’s trash in six months. However, it’s important to make sure that underneath the great prices and permanent mustiness, you actually understand what product you’re getting.

KATE: Wow…these self-help tapes were so cheap at that garage sale. I think I’ll finish this one…

TAPE: Who’s powerful?

KATE: I am!

TAPE: Who’s confident?

KATE: I am!

TAPE: Who’s ready to take on the world?

KATE: I am!

TAPE: This is the first tape in my new audio diary. Obviously, I decided to use some old self-help cassettes instead of buying new, blank sets. If you’re hearing this, please turn it off immediately/

KATE: Wait, what?

TAPE: October 7, 1985 – Today, I didn’t leave the house. I still haven’t exactly come to terms with the death of my goldfish, so I sit laid on the couch in my underwear and cried.

KATE: Maybe I should turn this off…

TAPE: Thankfully, nobody will ever get to know that I, Ken Jacobs, mourned the death of my goldfish for three weeks. My therapist says an excess of attachment has caused my difficulties in letting go, and has recommended I move out of my mother’s house. I’m almost packed, but I don’t think I can bring my whole seashell collection.

KATE: This is so … horrifying.

TAPE: Well, I think today’s entry is over. I need to file my toenails. The fungus came back.

KATE: Please tell me I bought the next tape…

%d bloggers like this: