Tag Archives: thanksgiving

Wal-Mart’s Best Black Friday Deals

29 Nov

6:00 PM Thursday

  • Automatically entered to win a copy of “Commercialist Tramplings: 3D”
  • 50% off Unhappy Sales Employee Action Figure (time with family not included)
  • One free night in a tent at a Walmart of your choosing

8:00 PM Thursday

  • Complimentary nagging thought of what Thanksgiving would have been like
  • 25% off a toaster oven you didn’t know you needed until now
  • $100 off a TV whose horrific reviews seem meaningless at this price

8:00 AM Friday

  • $50 off your child still whining because you bought the wrong iPod
  • 100% off your own value of sleep and relaxation
  • Free sense of impending holiday doom with purchase of discounted Christmas decorations

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Thank You

22 Nov

Before you fall into your turkey coma, I just wanted to tell you that today is the first anniversary of The Lighter Side of the Moon and how thankful I am for your readership over the last year. On another note, if you’re having computer problems and can’t read this post, Wal-Mart doorbusters start in six hours.

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Things You, Unfortunately, Might Hear this Thanksgiving

18 Nov

“We’ve got to get to Wal-Mart by eight, tonight! It’s 65% off tramplings!”

“Had enough of football? There’s still plenty to do this Thanksgiving. Head to the nature center for an in-depth lecture on turkey vocalizations. Or, check out the library’s program on the history of stuffing.”

“Black Friday shopping, huh? Oh sure, go buy a new TV. It’s not like I’ve been elbow-deep in the business end of a turkey, preparing your feast for the last two hours!”

“Your Christmas decorations look lovely.”

“Guys, the tofurkey’s ready!”

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A Very Ironic Thanksgiving

27 Feb

(A family is gathered in their dining room for Thanksgiving. The table is covered with an embroidered tablecloth and loaded with china bowls of food. A kind-looking mother and father are sitting there, along with their heavily-tattooed and pierced son.)

MOM: Josh, it’s so nice that you got here from Portland for Thanksgiving. That storm could’ve really messed up your travel plans.

JOSH: Please, Mom, call me Lotus.

MOM: Lotus?

LOTUS: Yes, Lotus. My yogi gave it to me. He says I am radiant like a lotus blossom.

DAD: That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard, Josh. Are you still playing guitar?

LOTUS: The guitar? I sold it. As of now, I’m playing lead in an all-accordion post-glam pre-thrash speed folk band. We’ve got a cool 26 plays on MySpace since March. We’re working on this new three track EP that will sell in almost 7 stores across Oregon. It’s gonna be sick!

DAD: You know what, Josh-

LOTUS: LOTUS!

DAD: Fine, Lotus. But when are you gonna get a job? Or go back to school? You had a full ride to Berkeley.

(Lotus’s disgusted cringe makes the dragon tattooed on his neck dance. His mom starts to tear.)

LOTUS: I told you, Berkeley was inhibiting my creativity. Besides, I have a job: I’m an Occupy manager for my block.

DAD: Sure, you make two bucks a week sleeping in your own feces with other weirdos. That’s exactly what a National Merit Scholar should be doing with his life.

MOM: Harold, stop it! Don’t ruin another Thanksgiving!

LOTUS: Yeah, cool it Dad. I’ve been sending resumes around as well. And I’m going back to school.

DAD: Oh. Then I’m sorry. So what’s this you’re doing?

LOTUS: I’m going to the Portland School of Glass-blowing, and you don’t need to pay a thing. I’m becoming a barrista.

DAD: Fine, I don’t give a rat’s ass. Do whatever you want to do, but I’m not paying for it anymore.

(Lotus  slams his chair against the table and walks into the kitchen. His mom follows him.)

MOM: Honey, don’t worry. You can stay here whenever you need to.

LOTUS: (tearfully): Really? Thanks, Mom.

MOM: Of course, sweetie. Just take those tunnel plugs out of your ears, please. You look like the plumbing department of a hardware store.


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