Sorry for the long hiatus, everybody. I’ve been hard at work doing stand-up and improv at school. Stay tuned for a stand-up album and a film adaptation of this sketch coming very soon.
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Nothing to See Here
27 Oct(A reporter is out on the street doing a stand-up segment about a robbery that took place in a convenience store.)
REPORTER: Police are investigating a robbery that took place last night at this convenience store on Oak Street. The robber is described as a Caucasian male, 6’11’’, wearing a grass skirt, a Kiss the Cook apron, a large and floppy sombrero, and quote “unmistakably distinctive” glasses. The police have asked that anyone who sees the suspect immediately call the Crimestoppers hotline. They added that the man is described as “totally unmissable” and “supremely recognizable.” Local residents say they are shocked by what happened here.
(Cut to the reporter interviewing a man on the street. He is a 6’11” Caucasian male wearing a grass skirt, a Kiss the Cook apron, a large and floppy sombrero, and unmistakably distinctive glasses.)
REPORTER: You were there at the robbery last night?
MAN (panicked): What? What are you implying?
REPORTER: We just wanted your account of what happened here.
MAN (nervously): Oh. Oh. What makes you think I was here last night?
REPORTER: You told our producer you were.
MAN: Right, right. I was here. I said that and that is the story. That is definitely what happened. Thank you for the interview. (MAN begins to walk away.)
REPORTER: Wait, sir, you didn’t tell us anything yet.
MAN: Yeah, I was just in there and some stuff was robbed and it was totally crazy.
REPORTER: What do you mean, “totally crazy”?
MAN: Like, the whole thing was totally crazy. This is just a really nice neighborhood, I think. It looks like one. If I was going to rob something I’d probably rob this. But, I probably wouldn’t expect a robbery here? I live here, right?
REPORTER (quizzical): Sir, what did you say you witnessed at the robbery?
MAN: Oh, well, I mean there’s a lot of things that can drive a man to robbery. You know how hard it is to find work out there these days. Sometimes a guy just can’t catch a break. But the man doesn’t care. You ask for a little forgiveness, just a little more time, but the next day your water’s turned off and now you’ve got no place to shower. You have to walk around covered in dirt and sweat and then next thing you know everybody thinks you’re homeless. You try and try to say “No, I’m not homeless. I just don’t have running water at my place but I just paid the bill and they’re in the process of turning it back on as we speak.” But nobody wants to hear it and your landlord thinks some homeless guy is breaking into your apartment, and he changes the lock and calls the police. So now you’re trying and trying to get in your front door and the fuzz comes running from out from nowhere. Now, you haven’t done anything wrong but you start running and running because instinct just kicks in in a situation like that and you ran track in high school so you’re still pretty quick on your feet but it’s been a while since you actually got out there for a jog and a diet of instant ramen and pizza hasn’t been gentle on your stamina so you get kind of winded and all you want is a water so you pull into a convenience store and you try to pay for it but the attendant at the counter is apathetic and foreign and the language barrier is really hindering the transaction and all the while the cops are hot on your tail so you just grab the water and go and in hindsight stealing something is a terrible way to try and persuade the law of your innocence but you never know how you’re going to react in a situation like that and I’m not trying to tell you a sob story to try and get you to let me off easy because I’m guilty and I deserve whatever punishment you want to give me, but please, your honor, my story is completely truthful and I’m begging for your forgiveness. (MAN sobs.)
REPORTER: Sir, what are you trying to say?
MAN: (Sobbing intensifies.)
REPORTER: Well, this robbery is certainly taking a dramatic toll on the emotions of local residents. Until the police can locate the suspect they’re searching for, this community can only keep their eyes pealed and hope for the best. Back to you in the studio.
Three Blind Rats
16 JulSCENE: (A bunch of lab rats are seated in a meeting room. An important-looking rat (just go with it) is directing the group and reading off a clipboard. His nametag reads: Mr. Whiskers – Manager)
MR. WHISKERS: Alright, we just got some new jobs that we need to assign. Let’s see, we got a diabetes medication. Anyone feel like testing a diabetes medication?
OTHER RAT (from crowd): Sure, I’ll do it.
MR. WHISKERS: Thanks for showing the initiative. That’ll make a great resume builder. This next one is a toughie. Who’s ready to contract ebola for the next 6 weeks?
(A young rat eagerly raises her paw from the back row.)
MR. WHISKERS: Candance, we both know you’re not ready for this. This ebola project requires a rat with some experience.
(A salty, old rat raises a leg.)
MR. WHISKERS: Bruce, perfect. Hey, if you’re still alive after this one let me know how it goes. Alright, I’ve got another really good opportunity here if you’re interested. Anybody want to get injected with a scorching case of herpes?
(Nobody volunteers.)
MR. WHISKERS: Come on, guys. Jerry, didn’t you do the pubic lice study last year? You’re perfect for this.
(Jerry reluctantly and wordlessly consents.)
MR. WHISKERS: Thanks, Jerry. I’ve always seen you as a herpes kind of rat. Let’s see, next we got a new lipstick that needs to be rubbed in somebody’s eyes. Who’s going to step up?
(No rats volunteer.)
MR. WHISKERS: Somebody’s gotta do it, guys. Anybody want to get some brownie points?
(Room remains silent. Mr. Whiskers sighs, exasperated.)
MR. WHISKERS: I’ve been holding my tongue on this one for a while, but the lack of work ethic around here is really starting to chap my ass. Too bad ChapStick already tested their product so I can’t even get some of it for my own heinie. Let me tell you, if you don’t want this cosmetic job, there are plenty of rabbits, guinea pigs, and monkeys that’ll happily take it instead.
(Room does not appear persuaded.)
MR. WHISKERS (tone more somber): Look, I know all of you wish you could be hanging out as some plucky seven-year-old’s pet, eating yourself to death and passing time until the little sucker comes to pick up your feces. But we can’t all have that. My brother, he really wanted that life. And you know where he is now? Snake food! So suck it up. I’d take this lipstick job if I could, but I’m currently assigned to an uppity little urologist whose “research” consists of neutering me into oblivion. (deep breath) I need one of you guys to pick up the slack on this one. Please.
(One of the rats volunteers.)
MR. WHISKERS (more relaxed): Thank you very much. Lastly, we have your classic maze set-up. Do it right, you get a piece of cheese. Do it wrong, they’re gonna shock the bejeezus out of you. Anybody like to gamble?
Realistic Viagara Ad
19 May(Middle-aged man with long flowing hair drives a convertible down a country road. His wife is in the passenger seat.)
NARRATOR: You’re at the age where you know what you’re doing.
(Same man fires up a chainsaw.)
NARRATOR: You’ve earned the right to walk around with confidence.
(Man walks down a boardwalk with aforementioned wife.)
NARRATOR: You have the experience to know that being yourself is the only way to live.
(Man is seen performing as a mime on the street.)
NARRATOR: But your body doesn’t work as well as it once did.
(Man pauses during a jog visibly winded.)
NARRATOR: Your belly is starting to make strange noises and you’re too lazy to care.
(Man shrugs whimsically.)
NARRATOR: Your day is now punctuated by hourly naps.
(Man falls asleep at the wheel of the convertible.)
NARRATOR: You’re a man. And men get to make inappropriate comments to waitresses.
(Man nervously enters a Hooters.)
NARRATOR: You’re approaching the age where your racist comments are amusing, not offensive.
(Man crosses the street while approaching a minority.)
NARRATOR: You plan to die sitting in front of your television.
(Man reclines in a La-Z-Boy chair.)
NARRATOR: But just because you’re getting older doesn’t mean your lifestyle has to change.
(Man lays in a hammock wearing nothing but his underwear.)
NARRATOR: Viagara is trusted by men everywhere to maintain the mediocre lives they lived before their mid-life crisis. Ask your doctor if Viagara is right for you. If not, go buy a sportscar.
Running of the Bullies
11 MayAnyone using Yik Yak can turn a school into a virtual chat room where everyone can post his or her comments, anonymously. Untruthful, mean, character-assassinating short messages are immediately seen by all users in a specific geographic area. – Fox News
SCENE: A school staff meeting. The principal is addressing a group of teachers. The mood is apprehensive, solemn.
PRINCIPAL: As I’m sure many of you have noticed, the students are currently obsessed with an app. It’s called Yik Yak, and it’s being used to bully other children. There are some really cruel jokes on there and some of them even mention faculty members by name.
(The teachers remain silent, somewhat disinterested.)
PRINCIPAL: I know this might be hard to hear for many of you, that your own students are mocking you online, but I think it’s important that we address this issue. Allow me to read some recent posts. (takes out phone and begins to read aloud) The first one says “Mr. Haufstetder reeks of vodka and sadness.” I’m just going to let that one sink in.
(Teachers are again unresponsive.)
PRINCIPAL: People, I know that we as a faculty have come to terms with Mr. Haufstetder drinking at school, but the students really can’t know about this. It damages our credibility. Let me read another one. “Mrs. Rosenstein’s psoriasis is worse than her teaching.” (weighty pause) Linda, I’m really sorry you had to hear that.
(Some teachers giggle quietly.)
PRINCIPAL: You have to be concerned about this! There are new posts coming in as we speak. Here, listen. “This meeting is a bigger joke than our pensions.” (long pause) Wait, what meeting are they talking about? Are you posting on Yik Yak?
(Teachers burst out laughing.)
PRINCIPAL (reading off phone): “The female teachers at this school are so fugly, I’m considering having an affair with a lunch lady.” This is abhorrent. Show some respect!
(Feverish typing fills the room.)
PRINCIPAL: “Mark Price is a walking ad for abortion.” You can’t say that about a student! They read these.
(More typing, laughter.)
PRINCIPAL: “Is nobody going to point out that Principal Hagerty started wearing a toupee?” It’s not like everyone hadn’t already noticed that, but was that really necessary? My wife made me start wearing it.
(Guffawing, chortling.)
PRINCIPAL: “Hailey Hunt coming to this school is the worst thing to happen since the Common Core.” That’s a child you’re talking about. All of you, stop this immediately. It’s not like everyone didn’t already know Mr. Haufstetder was a drinker. Everybody at this school has noticed Mrs. Rosenstein’s psoriasis. Again, sorry Linda. You’re all small people, taking shots at easy targets. How about you write something we didn’t all know already?
(Quiet typing from the back of the room.)
PRINCIPAL (defeated): “Principal Hagerty’s fly has been unzipped this entire meeting.” That’s something we didn’t already know. Meeting adjourned.
All in the Family
24 Mar(TV commercial for Ancestry.com. Different kinds of people stand and talk about their discoveries: a chipper lady named Christina, a man named Michael, and a guy named Pete. Their names are printed on the screen while they speak.)
CHRISTINA: I went on Ancestry.com to learn more about more about my heritage.
MICHAEL: I wanted to discover stories about my ancestors.
PETE: Who wouldn’t want to know more about their history?
CHRISTINA: So, I did a little digging, and what I find out was amazing.
MICHAEL: You’ll never guess what I found out on Ancestry.com
PETE: What I found … surprised me.
CHRISTINA: Turns out, my great-great-grandmother was a Suffragette!
MICHAEL: My grandfather played stickball with Jackie Robinson!
PETE: I’m pretty sure my grandmother was a hooker.
CHRISTINA: She marched with Susan B. Anthony for my right to vote. How great is that?
MICHAEL: Jackie Robinson took my grandpa into the Dodgers clubhouse and introduced him to the whole team!
PETE: Her husband sold recalled toys and illegal fireworks to children. He was blamed for four maimings.
CHRISTINA: It’s just such an inspiration. I’m going to dedicate myself to fighting for women’s rights.
MICHAEL: I’m a huge baseball fan. I can’t wait to tell this story to all my buddies at the game.
PETE: I’m pretty sure they were Nazi sympathizers. Like, really sympathetic.
CHRISTINA: I never would have learned this if I hadn’t signed up. Thank you, Ancestry.com.
MICHAEL: I’m so happy to have learned this story. Thanks Ancestry.com.
PETE: Um, thanks Ancestry.com?
Right On
2 Mar(A girl is driving a car with her friend in the passenger seat. The passenger is giving directions. They approach an intersection.)
DRIVER: Left up here?
PASSENGER: Right.
DRIVER: Right?
PASSENGER: Left.
DRIVER: Left?
PASSENGER: Right.
DRIVER: Oh, right.
PASSENGER: Left…
DRIVER: Left?
PASSENGER: Right.
DRIVER: Right, right.
PASSENGER: Left!
DRIVER: Left, right?
PASSENGER: Right, left.
DRIVER: Right.
PASSENGER: Left! LEFT LEFT LEFT!
DRIVER: Left.
PASSENGER: Right.
DRIVER: Right?
PASSENGER: Left.
DRIVER: Left.
PASSENGER: Alright?
DRIVER: All left.
Eggheads
26 Feb(A teacher is seated at his desk in front of a class. The students prepare to deliver history presentations.)
TEACHER: Thanks for having these presentations ready, guys. I know they seem like a pain now, but they will really help you in life. I promise you that.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconstruction in the Deep South.
TEACHER: It’s so important – sorry to interrupt. It’s so important to be able to speak to your peers like this. It really is.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconstruction in the Deep-
TEACHER: Like, you walk into the teacher’s lounge everyday and that smug geek from the math department’s eating your sandwich again. You need to talk to him and clearly let him know how you feel. That’s why I have you do these speeches.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconst-
TEACHER: He totally knows it’s your sandwich, too! Every day, he just forgets that the egg salad in the Tupperware with my name on it isn’t his. Like who does that?
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main prop-
TEACHER: And you walk in there and he’s standing by the fridge with that smug little grin. He’s got egg salad all around his mouth and he’s just looking at you like he’s got his hand in the cookie in the jar. At that point, in these circumstances, you just need to stand up and say something, am I right? That’s why we do this in class. To prepare for you crap like this.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a ma-
TEACHER: And then the next day, he doesn’t even that audacity to hide the sandwich. He’s parading the egg salad around so everyone can see his conquest. He’s got a mischievous little twinkle in his eye and you walk right up to him and you’re about to give him a piece of your mind, when he just wipes that defiled shell of a sandwich right underneath my nose.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes-
TEACHER: He’s drawing me into the ring. He’s the pauncey matador luring the bull into the ring. But this bull isn’t just going to scratch the dirt and snarl. I came to play.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hay-
TEACHER: I throw the chump against the refrigerator and I start shoving the egg salad into his face. And he’s breaking into a cold sweat and staring into my eyes like they’re two smoking gun barrels. I’m there feeling pure power, every little cog in my toned physique creating me into one massive, pulsing muscle.
STUDENT: Rutherford B-
TEACHER: Looking past his eyes and into his soul, I know that this coward has already surrendered. Silently, he’s telling me, “I always knew it was yours. It was your name on the Tupperware. It was your egg salad.”
STUDENT: Rutherfo-
TEACHER: He has surrendered, but I am merciful. I take my arm off his throat, waving the sandwich in the air as a glorious flag of victory.
STUDENT: Ruthe-
TEACHER: Meanwhile, the entire teaching faculty has gathered around. Inspired by my swift and righteous act of justice, they stand behind me in unwavering support. Breaking the deafening silence, the principal, “Now, tell him off once and for all!”
STUDENT: Ru-
TEACHER: In my mind, I prepare the most elegant, graceful, and passionate piece of oratory this world has ever known. Supreme in its diction, unparalleled in its passion, I bask in the glory of this moment.
STUDENT: (breath)
TEACHER: I steady my breath, plant my feet, and prepare to bring this sad sack to his knees with the thundering force of the spoken word.
STUDENT: So, what’d you end up saying?
TEACHER: Oh, I just walked away. I don’t do well at public speaking.
The Lighter Side of the Moon 