Tag Archives: pet

Three Blind Rats

16 Jul

SCENE: (A bunch of lab rats are seated in a meeting room. An important-looking rat (just go with it) is directing the group and reading off a clipboard. His nametag reads: Mr. Whiskers – Manager)

MR. WHISKERS: Alright, we just got some new jobs that we need to assign. Let’s see, we got a diabetes medication. Anyone feel like testing a diabetes medication?
OTHER RAT (from crowd): Sure, I’ll do it.
MR. WHISKERS: Thanks for showing the initiative. That’ll make a great resume builder. This next one is a toughie. Who’s ready to contract ebola for the next 6 weeks?
(A young rat eagerly raises her  paw from the back row.)
MR. WHISKERS: Candance, we both know you’re not ready for this. This ebola project requires a rat with some experience.
(A salty, old rat raises a leg.)
MR. WHISKERS: Bruce, perfect. Hey, if you’re still alive after this one let me know how it goes. Alright, I’ve got  another really good opportunity here if you’re interested. Anybody want to get injected with a scorching case of herpes?
(Nobody volunteers.)
MR. WHISKERS: Come on, guys. Jerry, didn’t you do the pubic lice study last year? You’re perfect for this.
(Jerry reluctantly and wordlessly consents.)
MR. WHISKERS: Thanks, Jerry. I’ve always seen you as a herpes kind of rat. Let’s see, next we got a new lipstick that needs to be rubbed in somebody’s eyes. Who’s going to step up?
(No rats volunteer.)
MR. WHISKERS: Somebody’s gotta do it, guys. Anybody want to get some brownie points?
(Room remains silent. Mr. Whiskers sighs, exasperated.)
MR. WHISKERS: I’ve been holding my tongue on this one for a while, but the lack of work ethic around here is really starting to chap my ass. Too bad ChapStick already tested their product so I can’t even get some of it for my own heinie.  Let me tell you, if you don’t want this cosmetic job, there are plenty of rabbits, guinea pigs, and monkeys that’ll happily take it instead.
(Room does not appear persuaded.)
MR. WHISKERS (tone more somber): Look, I know all of you wish you could be hanging out as some plucky seven-year-old’s pet, eating yourself to death and passing time until the little sucker comes to pick up your feces. But we can’t all have that. My brother, he really wanted that life. And you know where he is now? Snake food! So suck it up. I’d take this lipstick job if I could, but I’m currently assigned to an uppity little urologist whose “research” consists of neutering me into oblivion. (deep breath) I need one of you guys to pick up the slack on this one. Please.
(One of the rats volunteers.)
MR. WHISKERS (more relaxed): Thank you very much. Lastly, we have your classic maze set-up. Do it right, you get a piece of cheese. Do it wrong, they’re gonna shock the bejeezus out of you. Anybody like to gamble?

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Gertie Tillmann, 89, had many cats

17 Jan

Gertrude Ethyl Tillmann of Boynton Beach, Fa. died on Wednesday, Jan. 16. She was 89. She was the seventh of eleven daughters to the late Edna Plotz and Enrique Tillmann. Ms. Tillmann’s husband, Bert Tillmann, died 14 years ago in a bizarre typewriter accident.

A 1943 graduate of Cornell University, Ms. Tillmann was a stay-at-home mother of three boys. In 1974, Ms. Tillmann forced Bert to move to Boynton Beach because of her debilitating fear of snow.

In her later years, Ms. Tillmann began raising cats in her home to fill her time. “They give me love and affection,” she told Cat Fancy in 2002. “My sons never call, so I talk to the cats.”

Animal Control specialist Tom Peters visited her many times at her home. “She always offered us cake,” he recalled. “Her house smelled like a giant cat.”

Ms. Tillmann was also a frequent patron of the Boynton Beach public library and was very involved in library affairs. She served for 5 years as the president of the “Don’t Get Rid of the Typewriters” club and served for 4 years as president of the “We Refuse to Learn How to Use the Computers” club.

Nancy Rhudy, head librarian since 1986 remembers Gertie’s  consistent presence. “She really was against changing anything about the library,” she said. “When we replaced the card catalog with the digital system, we found her three days later clinging to one in a dumpster for dear life.”

A private service was held today near her eldest son’s home in California.

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