Tag Archives: animals

Gertie Tillmann, 89, had many cats

17 Jan

Gertrude Ethyl Tillmann of Boynton Beach, Fa. died on Wednesday, Jan. 16. She was 89. She was the seventh of eleven daughters to the late Edna Plotz and Enrique Tillmann. Ms. Tillmann’s husband, Bert Tillmann, died 14 years ago in a bizarre typewriter accident.

A 1943 graduate of Cornell University, Ms. Tillmann was a stay-at-home mother of three boys. In 1974, Ms. Tillmann forced Bert to move to Boynton Beach because of her debilitating fear of snow.

In her later years, Ms. Tillmann began raising cats in her home to fill her time. “They give me love and affection,” she told Cat Fancy in 2002. “My sons never call, so I talk to the cats.”

Animal Control specialist Tom Peters visited her many times at her home. “She always offered us cake,” he recalled. “Her house smelled like a giant cat.”

Ms. Tillmann was also a frequent patron of the Boynton Beach public library and was very involved in library affairs. She served for 5 years as the president of the “Don’t Get Rid of the Typewriters” club and served for 4 years as president of the “We Refuse to Learn How to Use the Computers” club.

Nancy Rhudy, head librarian since 1986 remembers Gertie’s  consistent presence. “She really was against changing anything about the library,” she said. “When we replaced the card catalog with the digital system, we found her three days later clinging to one in a dumpster for dear life.”

A private service was held today near her eldest son’s home in California.

You ARE The Father!

6 Jan

Last week, my father, brother and I, looking for a wholesome family bonding experience, sat down on the couch to watch The Maury Povich Show. I was so inspired I’ve decided to start my now paternity test show. Please enjoy this sneak peek:

(I am sitting on the left, with a man, Dominique, and his girlfriend, Tanganyika. They’re desperately avoiding eye contact, though their passion for each other is unmissable.)

ME: Tanganyika recently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Clare, (cut to video monitor with picture of Clare). However, Dominque has concerns over whether he is the father. He has heard rumors that his iguana, Tico, is really Clare’s daddy, and came to me to help smooth this matter over. Dominique, let’s hear your side of the story.

DOMINIQUE: I thought I was the father, until my aunt’s cousin’s book club member’s swim coach’s dad said he had heard that Tico was the father of the baby. Then, I didn’t know who to trust so I came on the show.

ME: And Tanganyika?

TANGANYIKA: I don’t know why I’m here. I know for a fact Dominque is the father of my baby, cuz I never even met Tico, except when I helped Domique clean the cage.

ME: Let’s get Tico out here, and here his story.

(Tico enters from stage left. He looks confused and lizardy.)

ME: Nice to have you here, Tico!

TICO: …

DOMINIQUE: See, TIco has diabetes, and so does Clare. That’s why he’s the father!

ME: Actually, Clare has Type 2 diabetes, which isn’t hereditary. Also, her diet consists of KFC Baby Food and Lucky Charms, so the diabetes thing isn’t really evidence.

(Dominique is gazing at the wall. His eyes aren’t focused and a small bead of drool is falling from his bottom lip.)

ME: Well, let’s get the results. When it comes to one-year-old Clare, Dominique, you are the father!

(Dominique and Tanganyika embrace tearfully. Tico runs into the studio audience and eats a fly in the corner of the room. Dominique stops him, since his blood sugar is through the roof already. Cut to commercial.)

ANNOUNCER: After the break, we talk to Abraham, who is trying to stop his daughter from marrying a coffee mug.

This picture looks like it belongs in a cult dining room.

What if Jack Hanna Was Your Tennis Coach?

3 Jan

“With your approach shot, you’re gonna wanna be fast and aggressive. Like a shark. Or a tiger. Or a badger.”

“You call that hustle? I’ve helped elephants cross a Cambodian minefield faster than that!”

“God, you stink! Like my friend Sally the Skunk here. Don’t touch her face, she has a tendency to excrete a foul-smelling odor when threatened. It’s one of nature’s great defense mechanisms.”

“If you start sweating, you gotta push through. Come on now. When was the last time you saw a camel give up while crossing the desert? For me, it was last week, actually. But that’s beside the point.”

Put me in, Coach!

When I Grow Up, I Want to Be An Animal!

10 Dec

Lets’ face it. Humans stink when compared to most other members of our kingdom. Don’t believe me, go eat a carrot. A full-size one. Now describe the way you ate the carrot. Words that come to mind are:

  • Weak
  • Measly
  • Pathetic

Now look at this gigantic insect eating a carrot:

The carrot is being assaulted by that bug. It’s going at it like there’s no tomorrow! Seriously, how awesome is that thing? (Fun fact: This bug weighs more than a sparrow.) I hear flyswatters run screaming when this animal comes their way.

As if that beast wasn’t enough to strike fear into your heart, look at this death machine with wings. It’s wanted in several states for goat-napping. It’s probably using the goats for slave labor, building lavish homes for that flying devil and his crime-ring affiliates. (To see this winged criminal in action go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOkWpavE5gE)

There’s an old saying that animals are man’s best friend. Well that’s about to change. It won’t be along until our golden retrievers crawl into our bed at night with lethal intentions. The animals are getting smarter, and they’ve learned to use toasters, keyboards, and doorbells. We either distance ourselves from the animals, or you wake up to that six-legged demon nibbling at you nose instead of a carrot.

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