Archive | April, 2014

Prophet Elijah Receives DUI due to Mother’s Negligence

16 Apr

The Jewish prophet Elijah was arrested and charged with a D.U.I. last night while traveling between homes for the festival of Passover.

As is customary, Elijah traveled to every single Jewish household in the world last night, drinking a cup of wine in each to mark the historical significance of the festival.

It was on a sidestreet in Short Hills, New Jersey that a State Trooper noticed Elijah speeding and pulled him over. A breathalyzer test and verbal confession confirmed Elijah had consumed 85,698 glasses of Manischewitz wine before getting behind the wheel.

Short Hills mother Franny Gutstein blames herself for last night’s incident. “I really should have called him a cab,”  she said.

Elijah’s last home visit before being arrested was at the Gutstein residence. “He came in, he drank the glass of wine, and he got up to go,” Ms. Gutstein said. “He seemed a little tipsy so I offered him to sit down and try some of my famous matzah farfel stuffing but he insisted on leaving.”

Short Hills Police Chief Mike Carlisle was thankful for the arrest. “Every year, Elijah is so reckless,” Mr. Carlisle said. “He’s damn lucky he didn’t wrap his flaming chariot around a telephone pole.”

In response to this incident, concern is mounting for the safety of the Easter Bunny ahead of the holiday this Sunday. Some experts are concerned all those chocolate eggs may finally put Mr. Bunny into diabetic shock this year.

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CollegeBored

14 Apr

With the College Board enacting sweeping changes to the SAT next year, parents and educators are worried. Though none were actually asked for their opinions on the matter, we’re pretty sure students are concerned as well. In response to this vocal blowback and out of genuine concern for student welfare and achievement, the Collegeboard has instituted a new practice exam: the PSAT, or Post-natal SAT.

Studies have shown that factors such as college readiness, eventual salary, and life fulfillment can be predicted almost immediately after a baby exits the womb. The PSAT holistically evaluates your 8-pound-bundle-of-joy’s scholastic ability in reading, writing, and math. With our rapid scoring system, you will get your infant’s scores in just two weeks, allowing them to start preparing for a second attempt almost immediately. Your baby will get an early taste of their future schooling life as their already sleepless nights are filled with rigorous test prep.

We at the College Board know that being thrust from a warm cocoon of innocence into the chaos of the world can be stressful in students, so we will be offering a wide variety of review materials for your fetus. In cooperation with Little Einsteins, we will be selling audio study materials for the PSAT, which you can pipe into your uterus at high volumes. Did you feel that kick? Looks like your little one just learned something new.

Of course, the College Board has gone to great lengths to make sure the PSAT scoring is fair. If your baby tries to stick a pen in its mouth during the writing section, he’s performing better than most of his peers, meaning a score in the high 700s. If your infant looks at a math problem, craps itself, and cries, he’s approaching math like many college students do! You’ve done a great job parenting this kid for the last five minutes.

To register for the Post-natal SAT, visit kollegeboard4kids.com. For help evaluating your parenting style and priorities, seek psychiatric or religious counsel.

 

 

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