Tag Archives: sat

CollegeBored

14 Apr

With the College Board enacting sweeping changes to the SAT next year, parents and educators are worried. Though none were actually asked for their opinions on the matter, we’re pretty sure students are concerned as well. In response to this vocal blowback and out of genuine concern for student welfare and achievement, the Collegeboard has instituted a new practice exam: the PSAT, or Post-natal SAT.

Studies have shown that factors such as college readiness, eventual salary, and life fulfillment can be predicted almost immediately after a baby exits the womb. The PSAT holistically evaluates your 8-pound-bundle-of-joy’s scholastic ability in reading, writing, and math. With our rapid scoring system, you will get your infant’s scores in just two weeks, allowing them to start preparing for a second attempt almost immediately. Your baby will get an early taste of their future schooling life as their already sleepless nights are filled with rigorous test prep.

We at the College Board know that being thrust from a warm cocoon of innocence into the chaos of the world can be stressful in students, so we will be offering a wide variety of review materials for your fetus. In cooperation with Little Einsteins, we will be selling audio study materials for the PSAT, which you can pipe into your uterus at high volumes. Did you feel that kick? Looks like your little one just learned something new.

Of course, the College Board has gone to great lengths to make sure the PSAT scoring is fair. If your baby tries to stick a pen in its mouth during the writing section, he’s performing better than most of his peers, meaning a score in the high 700s. If your infant looks at a math problem, craps itself, and cries, he’s approaching math like many college students do! You’ve done a great job parenting this kid for the last five minutes.

To register for the Post-natal SAT, visit kollegeboard4kids.com. For help evaluating your parenting style and priorities, seek psychiatric or religious counsel.

 

 

Standardized Jest

9 Dec

(An SAT test writer and his wife are sleeping in their bed. It is 2:30 AM.)

HUSBAND (suddenly): Uh, that’s such a great question.
WIFE (sleepy): Wha-t?
HUSBAND  (frenzied): I just thought of the perfect question. After all these years, I’ve got it.
WIFE: Honey, come back to bed. You can write it down in the morning.
HUSBAND: You don’t understand. This is the question we’ve been dreaming of forever – it seems easy enough when you first look at it but it’s actually impossible. Oh, there’s gonna be so many tears!
WIFE: Honey, that’s cruel. Now go to sleep.
HUSBAND: When Beethoven woke up with a symphony in mind did his wife tell him to go to sleep? She might have, but he couldn’t hear her. And the same goes for Van Gogh – he didn’t have an ear or a wife.
WIFE: You write standardized test questions. Relax.
HUSBAND (mad but meek): You don’t understand. This is the question to triumph all questions. All you need is ninth grade math, but still nobody can finish it!
WIFE: Whatever, just finish up and come back to sleep.
HUSBAND (frenzied): Go back to sleep? I have to call the guys! This is going to keep so many kids out of college. The bosses offered a promotion to whoever could increase the number of sobbing fits and this is just what the doctor ordered.
WIFE: Don’t you ever feel bad about all the stress these kids go through?
HUSBAND (defensive): I like to think we’re testing their academic aptitude and college readiness.
WIFE: Do you really want to make these kids upset? Think back to when you were this age.
HUSBAND (distressed): But, this is my crowning achievement. I did it.
WIFE: But you’ll know you didn’t make some adolescent girl cry on a Saturday morning. Now go to sleep.

(The man lays down and waits for his wife to sleep. He quietly stands up, writes down the question, and basks in its sadistic glow. The warm hug of power has finally overpowered him. Owning the moment, he stands up and declares “Man is the cruelest animal” as he manically cackles himself to sleep.)

 

 

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