CollegeBored

14 Apr

With the College Board enacting sweeping changes to the SAT next year, parents and educators are worried. Though none were actually asked for their opinions on the matter, we’re pretty sure students are concerned as well. In response to this vocal blowback and out of genuine concern for student welfare and achievement, the Collegeboard has instituted a new practice exam: the PSAT, or Post-natal SAT.

Studies have shown that factors such as college readiness, eventual salary, and life fulfillment can be predicted almost immediately after a baby exits the womb. The PSAT holistically evaluates your 8-pound-bundle-of-joy’s scholastic ability in reading, writing, and math. With our rapid scoring system, you will get your infant’s scores in just two weeks, allowing them to start preparing for a second attempt almost immediately. Your baby will get an early taste of their future schooling life as their already sleepless nights are filled with rigorous test prep.

We at the College Board know that being thrust from a warm cocoon of innocence into the chaos of the world can be stressful in students, so we will be offering a wide variety of review materials for your fetus. In cooperation with Little Einsteins, we will be selling audio study materials for the PSAT, which you can pipe into your uterus at high volumes. Did you feel that kick? Looks like your little one just learned something new.

Of course, the College Board has gone to great lengths to make sure the PSAT scoring is fair. If your baby tries to stick a pen in its mouth during the writing section, he’s performing better than most of his peers, meaning a score in the high 700s. If your infant looks at a math problem, craps itself, and cries, he’s approaching math like many college students do! You’ve done a great job parenting this kid for the last five minutes.

To register for the Post-natal SAT, visit kollegeboard4kids.com. For help evaluating your parenting style and priorities, seek psychiatric or religious counsel.

 

 

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