Archive | March, 2014

Kim Jong Un by Paul Mitchell

27 Mar

Male university students in North Korea are now required to get the same haircut as their leader Kim Jong-un, it is reported. – BBC

When I first read this story, I was shocked. I wasn’t so surprised at the latest in a long line of tyrannical stunts from a clearly unstable leader. More surprisingly, North Korea has a university! As a junior in high school, applying to college is foremost on my mind. Eager to find out more about the University of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea at Gleaming Worker’s Paradise of Pyongyang (“State” for short), I did a little digging. Here is what I found:

They have a fight song:

In the world’s cleanest city,
in the world’s most prosperous country,
underneath our glorious leader,
we are not going hungry.

Over the corpses of enemy imperialists,
we march toward victory – yeah!
All of our internal struggles are classist.
We are the best Korea!

So it’s fight, fight, fight,
hail to the DPRK!
We’ll sing as we work in the salt and sulfur mines
for twenty hours a day!

Hip, hip, hooray,
sing this victory hymn!
We pledge our eternal loyalty
to three fat men named Kim!

Their president writes a monthly newsletter:

Dear Students and Faculty of UDPRKGWPP,

March has been a busy month here at State. Spring has finally arrived; the birds cheerfully sing songs of the everyman, the squirrels once again go out to steal acorns from the American vermin, and the industrial smokestacks belch out a thick smog over fragrant, blossoming trees. Truly a sight to behold.

I trust the male scholars of the university are abiding by our Glorious Leader’s Glorious Decree on hairstyling. As you all know, male students must now wear their hair in the fashion made famous by our Eternal Father. On an unrelated note, it is with sadness that I announce the mysterious disappearance of 30 long-haired but otherwise unrelated young men. There will be no memorial service.

Our comrades in the Science Department recently announced great gains in the development of atomic missiles for our nation. They have finished gluing the device together and need only to staple on the fins before launching it at our cowering enemies.

The Working Women Students Union recently hosted a forum on female sexuality on campus. Though the university will refrain from commenting on this matter, I would like to remind students that the Health and Wellness Center offers resources to help you stay safe. Pumping out hardy, genetically-pure laborers may sound fun now, but the State has designated you to be scholars, not parents.

Finally, the university would like to extend our gratitude to alumnus Wei Teu Thin ’74, who donated his entire rice harvest to the construction of a new monument to our Leader.

Go State!

Kim Jong Un
President of Everything

Fun Facts:

Colors: American Soldier’s Blood Red and Western Coward Yellow
Mascot: Terry the Proletariat
Founded in: 1954
Founded upon: the graves of those who threatened us
Rival: University of Hamhung
Arch-Rival: American University
Arch-arch-rival: Capitalism.

 

All in the Family

24 Mar

(TV commercial for Ancestry.com. Different kinds of people stand and talk about their discoveries: a chipper lady named Christina, a man named Michael, and a guy named Pete. Their names are printed on the screen while they speak.)

CHRISTINA: I went on Ancestry.com to learn more about more about my heritage.
MICHAEL: I wanted to discover stories about my ancestors.
PETE: Who wouldn’t want to know more about their history?

CHRISTINA: So, I did a little digging, and what I find out was amazing.
MICHAEL: You’ll never guess what I found out on Ancestry.com
PETE: What I found … surprised me.

CHRISTINA: Turns out, my great-great-grandmother was a Suffragette!
MICHAEL: My grandfather played stickball with Jackie Robinson!
PETE: I’m pretty sure my grandmother was a hooker.

CHRISTINA: She marched with Susan B. Anthony for my right to vote. How great is that?
MICHAEL: Jackie Robinson took my grandpa into the Dodgers clubhouse and introduced him to the whole team!
PETE: Her husband sold recalled toys and illegal fireworks to children. He was blamed for four maimings.

CHRISTINA: It’s just such an inspiration. I’m going to dedicate myself to fighting for women’s rights.
MICHAEL: I’m a huge baseball fan. I can’t wait to tell this story to all my buddies at the game.
PETE: I’m pretty sure they were Nazi sympathizers. Like, really sympathetic.

CHRISTINA: I never would have learned this if I hadn’t signed up. Thank you, Ancestry.com.
MICHAEL: I’m so happy to have learned this story. Thanks Ancestry.com.
PETE: Um, thanks Ancestry.com?

 

A Coming of Age Story

19 Mar

Scene: A bar mitzvah. Mood is joyous; everyone excited to see little Joshua becoming a man.

EMCEE: Ok, everybody! Let’s get everyone out on the dance floor, because it’s time for the hora!
(Crowd begins to form on dancefloor. Relatives start to dance to Hava Negila. Non-Jewish guests stand around confused.)
EMCEE: Keep on dancing, but let’s get four strong men to the middle of the circle and lift Josh up!
(Four family members gather around a chair in the center. Josh is lifted, feigns happiness, secretly very scared.)
EMCEE: And now let’s get Mom out here! Debbie, come on out!
(Debbie is pushed toward center and sits in chair. The four strong men have disappeared.)
EMCEE: Alright, let’s lift her up – wait, where’d my lifters go? Let’s get four strong guys back out her! Hey, maybe five or six strong guys! Nobody? Really? It’s her son’s bar mitzvah, let’s help her celebrate! Uncles, cousins, family friends, get on out here and lift Debbie up! You’re her closest relatives, you really should do this. You supported Debbie through the weight gain, you should support her in a chair. What about the dancers? You guys are my employees. If you don’t get out here and lift this lady up, you’re fired! You’d rather be fired? That is surprising, to say the least. Hey, caterer! Some of you people looked strong. They won’t do it either? Josh’s friends! Some of you looked pretty developed! Get out here and lift your friend’s mom in a chair!
(Party-goers start to slow down their hora.)
EMCEE: Keep dancing, everybody! We’re going to get Debbie up in the air, I promise! Uh, what about the bouncers? Ernesto, Sergey – do me a big favor and come lift this nice lady up! Please, fellas, this is my paycheck.
(Emcee pulls an iPod Shuffle out of his pocket.)
EMCEE: I was saving this for whoever won Coke and Pepsi, but you made me do this, guys! First person to come out here and volunteer will get an iPod Shuffle. Please. Fifty dollar cash value! This is sad. You should all be ashamed.
(Hava Nagila ends. Crowd stops dancing.)
EMCEE: DJ, turn that song back on! Put it on repeat! We will not be moving on with this party until Debbie is hoisted in the air. In fifteen years of entertaining with Perfect Memories Events, every bar mitzvah mom has been lifted, and I do not plan on ending that streak today.
(Waitresses start bringing around platters of food.)
EMCEE: Yo! Cool it with the passed hors d’oeuvres! Nobody eats a pig in a blanket until Debbie gets lifted. Hey, Josh’s grandma – we all saw you take that mini egg roll, now put it back.
(Hava Negila ends a second time. Guests have largely left the dancefloor.)
EMCEE: Hey, Debbie, I’m really sorry. (brief pause) Kids, back on the floor for some Coke and Pepsi! We got an iPod Shuffle up for grabs!

Right On

2 Mar

(A girl is driving a car with her friend in the passenger seat. The passenger is giving directions. They approach an intersection.)

DRIVER: Left up here?
PASSENGER: Right.
DRIVER: Right?
PASSENGER: Left.
DRIVER: Left?
PASSENGER: Right.
DRIVER: Oh, right.
PASSENGER: Left…
DRIVER: Left?
PASSENGER: Right.
DRIVER: Right, right.
PASSENGER: Left!
DRIVER: Left, right?
PASSENGER: Right, left.
DRIVER: Right.
PASSENGER: Left! LEFT LEFT LEFT!
DRIVER: Left.
PASSENGER: Right.
DRIVER: Right?
PASSENGER: Left.
DRIVER: Left.
PASSENGER: Alright?
DRIVER: All left.

 

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