Tag Archives: kim

2014 Was the Year of the Butt and Some Other Things, Too

17 Dec

2014. What a wild and crazy time it’s been. This amazing year was filled with amazing people doing amazing things. There were wars, disasters, and miracles. And holy mackerel, there were a lot of great butts.

In February, the ebola outbreak tore its way across West Africa. This horrific disease shocked the world and united us in fear. But we forgot all about that as soon as Nicki Minaj dropped the “Anaconda” video and we were consumed with images of beautiful, buttery bumcakes. What a year.

Two Malaysian flights ended in disaster this year. We’ll remember hearing about all those lives lost on the television. Each and every one of us realized that could have been us. But we could all have been Beyonce’s butt, too. And when we saw that bodacious booty at the VMAs, this year was positively bun-tastic. Big, badass bottoms were truly the stars of 2014.

Additionally, we saw lots of war and conflict this year. From Crimea, to Syria, to Iraq, it seems like we just couldn’t find peace. Despite all our prayers, people were losing their lives to violence all over the world in 2014. And then our prayers were answered, as Kim Kardashian broke the internet with her regal rump. This bouncy, boisterous, buxom backside was the delightful derriere we all needed this year.

Malala Yousafazai captured our hearts when she became the youngest person ever to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Who wasn’t inspired by her bravery in standing up to the Taliban? This more than made up for her rather unspectacular tush, which pales in comparison to the hefty heinies in this year’s Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Good golly, those gigantic glutes and beefy badonkadonks were the best thing to happen in 2014.

So goodbye, 2014. With so many ups and downs, highs and lows, joys and sorrows, this was truly a year to remember. But the fantastic fundaments, terrific tushies, and portly posteriors of 2014 were truly unforgettable.

SEE ALSO: Will 2015 be the year we finally tackle climate change or are hips going to make a comeback?

Kim Jong Un by Paul Mitchell

27 Mar

Male university students in North Korea are now required to get the same haircut as their leader Kim Jong-un, it is reported. – BBC

When I first read this story, I was shocked. I wasn’t so surprised at the latest in a long line of tyrannical stunts from a clearly unstable leader. More surprisingly, North Korea has a university! As a junior in high school, applying to college is foremost on my mind. Eager to find out more about the University of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea at Gleaming Worker’s Paradise of Pyongyang (“State” for short), I did a little digging. Here is what I found:

They have a fight song:

In the world’s cleanest city,
in the world’s most prosperous country,
underneath our glorious leader,
we are not going hungry.

Over the corpses of enemy imperialists,
we march toward victory – yeah!
All of our internal struggles are classist.
We are the best Korea!

So it’s fight, fight, fight,
hail to the DPRK!
We’ll sing as we work in the salt and sulfur mines
for twenty hours a day!

Hip, hip, hooray,
sing this victory hymn!
We pledge our eternal loyalty
to three fat men named Kim!

Their president writes a monthly newsletter:

Dear Students and Faculty of UDPRKGWPP,

March has been a busy month here at State. Spring has finally arrived; the birds cheerfully sing songs of the everyman, the squirrels once again go out to steal acorns from the American vermin, and the industrial smokestacks belch out a thick smog over fragrant, blossoming trees. Truly a sight to behold.

I trust the male scholars of the university are abiding by our Glorious Leader’s Glorious Decree on hairstyling. As you all know, male students must now wear their hair in the fashion made famous by our Eternal Father. On an unrelated note, it is with sadness that I announce the mysterious disappearance of 30 long-haired but otherwise unrelated young men. There will be no memorial service.

Our comrades in the Science Department recently announced great gains in the development of atomic missiles for our nation. They have finished gluing the device together and need only to staple on the fins before launching it at our cowering enemies.

The Working Women Students Union recently hosted a forum on female sexuality on campus. Though the university will refrain from commenting on this matter, I would like to remind students that the Health and Wellness Center offers resources to help you stay safe. Pumping out hardy, genetically-pure laborers may sound fun now, but the State has designated you to be scholars, not parents.

Finally, the university would like to extend our gratitude to alumnus Wei Teu Thin ’74, who donated his entire rice harvest to the construction of a new monument to our Leader.

Go State!

Kim Jong Un
President of Everything

Fun Facts:

Colors: American Soldier’s Blood Red and Western Coward Yellow
Mascot: Terry the Proletariat
Founded in: 1954
Founded upon: the graves of those who threatened us
Rival: University of Hamhung
Arch-Rival: American University
Arch-arch-rival: Capitalism.

 

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