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26 Feb

(A teacher is seated at his desk in front of a class. The students prepare to deliver history presentations.)

TEACHER: Thanks for having these presentations ready, guys. I know they seem like a pain now, but they will really help you in life. I promise you that.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconstruction in the Deep South.
TEACHER: It’s so important – sorry to interrupt. It’s so important to be able to speak to your peers like this. It really is.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconstruction in the Deep-
TEACHER: Like, you walk into the teacher’s lounge everyday and that smug geek from the math department’s eating your sandwich again. You need to talk to him and clearly let him know how you feel. That’s why I have you do these speeches.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconst-
TEACHER: He totally knows it’s your sandwich, too! Every day, he just forgets that the egg salad in the Tupperware with my name on it isn’t his. Like who does that?
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main prop-
TEACHER: And you walk in there and he’s standing by the fridge with that smug little grin. He’s got egg salad all around his mouth and he’s just looking at you like he’s got his hand in the cookie in the jar. At that point, in these circumstances, you just need to stand up and say something, am I right? That’s why we do this in class. To prepare for you crap like this.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a ma-
TEACHER: And then the next day, he doesn’t even that audacity to hide the sandwich. He’s parading the egg salad around so everyone can see his conquest. He’s got a mischievous little twinkle in his eye and you walk right up to him and you’re about to give him a piece of your mind, when he just wipes that defiled shell of a sandwich right underneath my nose.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes-
TEACHER: He’s drawing me into the ring. He’s the pauncey matador luring the bull into the ring. But this bull isn’t just going to scratch the dirt and snarl. I came to play.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hay-
TEACHER: I throw the chump against the refrigerator and I start shoving the egg salad into his face. And he’s breaking into a cold sweat and staring into my eyes like they’re two smoking gun barrels. I’m there feeling pure power, every little cog in my toned physique creating me into one massive, pulsing muscle.
STUDENT: Rutherford B-
TEACHER: Looking past his eyes and into his soul, I know that this coward has already surrendered. Silently, he’s telling me, “I always knew it was yours. It was your name on the Tupperware. It was your egg salad.”
STUDENT: Rutherfo-
TEACHER: He has surrendered, but I am merciful. I take my arm off his throat, waving the sandwich in the air as a glorious flag of victory.
TEACHER: Meanwhile, the entire teaching faculty has gathered around. Inspired by my swift and righteous act of justice, they stand behind me in unwavering support. Breaking the deafening silence, the principal, “Now, tell him off once and for all!”
TEACHER: In my mind, I prepare the most elegant, graceful, and passionate piece of oratory this world has ever known. Supreme in its diction, unparalleled in its passion, I bask in the glory of this moment.
STUDENT: (breath)
TEACHER: I steady my breath, plant my feet, and prepare to bring this sad sack to his knees with the thundering force of the spoken word.
STUDENT: So, what’d you end up saying?
TEACHER: Oh, I just walked away. I don’t do well at public speaking.

A Tennis Brand Slam

9 Sep

ANNOUNCER: And now, we’re live with the first press conference for recently crowned U.S. Open champion, Tom Greedy.

TOM: Hey, this is just such a great achievement for me and I’m so happy and I want to thank everyone that’s helped me get here but first, just a quick word from my sponsors:

Nike Tennis has provided the sweat-wicking, performance-enhancing lifewear that kept me on the toes throughout the tournament. Nike Tennis: the only sport clothing that makes you imagine you’re playing better.

Adidas Originals hooked me up with these incredible shoes. With an unparalleled combination of supreme comfort, quality construction, and their proprietary Trak-Shun rubber soles, Adidas shoes will keep you on your feet.

My sweatband came from Under Armour. You saw how sweaty I was during that final set? Oh, you didn’t? Exactly. Under Armour: Hang your opponents up to dry.

My towels came from Mike’s Beach Accessories and Embroidery. Mention this speech and you’ll get twenty percent off your first purchase.

Shout out to Yolanda’s Business Cleaners for picking up the tab on my laundry during the tournament. Their poised, professional service let me stay focused on what I do best, thanks guys.

My signature grunt this year: *hhhyyuuuuuurrrrrggDoohey,Preston,andZimmermanTaxAndBusinessLLC-eeeeeeeeeyyyyyaaaaaggggh* was sponsored by Doohey, Preston, and Zimmerman Tax and Business, LLC. Doohey, Preston, and Zimmerman Tax and Business, LLC: Audit your game!

And finally, huge thanks to my parents for buying me this racquet. It’s really awesome.

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