Thank You for Flying With Us

23 Feb

(Passengers board a large plane. Some of the most striking characters include a grossly obese and sweaty gentleman (Preston), a very elderly woman (Eustice) and her grown daughter (Carla), and a lady (Gloria) with her dog in the seat next to her. An airline representative boards the plane and picks up the microphone.)

AIRLINE REP: Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman, it appears we have over-booked today’s flight by just one customer and we would like to offer a fantastic deal to one lucky volunteer today. If you would like to wait just two hours we can put you on a plane to your destination and offer you either a cash payment or an airline voucher. Which one would you all rather?
CROWD (loud and agreeing): Cash!
REP: Ok, we will be offering a voucher today. Thank you for your input. The voucher is worth $200 to be used on a future flight.
CARLA (to Eustice): Mom, maybe you should take the deal.
EUSTICE (replying): Oh, and come back tomorrow?
CARLA: Yeah, tomorrow. Or next week. Or never.
EUSTICE: Do you think it’s worth it for $200?
CARLA: Can we buy a sense of humor with that money?
REP: We are now offering a $250 voucher. Again, we cannot take off until someone agrees to give up their seat on this flight.
PRESTON: Can you sweeten the deal a little bit?
REP: Maybe, what are you asking for?
PRESTON: Can you make it $300 and a bag of Terra Blues?
REP: I’m not going higher than $250.
PRESTON: Let’s do $275 and the bag of chips.
REP: I can give you $250 and mixed nuts.
PRESTON: $250 and Terra Blues?
REP: You’re not getting the Terra Blues.
PRESTON: (heavy breathing and profuse perspiration)
REP: We can’t take off until someone takes this voucher.
PRESTON: You’re holding firm on the Terra Blues?
REP: We’re holding firm.
PRESTON: No deal.
CROWD: Boo!
RANDOM PASSENGER: Screw you!
REP: Ladies and gentleman, please stay calm. We just need one volunteer to accept the voucher and the later flight.
EUSTICE (to Carla): I would take the offer but my luggage is already on the plane.
CARLA (replying): They will take it off for you. You should take the deal.
EUSTICE: But what would I do for dinner?
CARLA: There’s good food in the airport. Take the deal, Mom.
EUSTICE: You really think I should?
CARLA: I really think you should.
EUSTICE: I could use the money to come visit you another time.
CARLA: Don’t take the deal. Don’t take the deal.
REP: We are still waiting on someone to take the offer before we can take off. (gesturing to Gloria in the first row) Why not you, miss?
GLORIA: Oh, I’m sorry but I’m traveling with a child.
REP (questioning) Oh, where is your child?
GLORIA: In this cage. His name is Bacchus.
REP(understanding): Oh, you mean your dog.
GLORIA: I used Bacchus to get in the pre-boarding for people with infants. For the purposes of this flight, he is a child.
REP: Miss, would you mind holding Bacchus during the flight so we can board the final passenger in that seat?
GLORIA: No, I’m sorry. Bacchus needs his own seat. He’s a service dog.
REP (skeptical): What kind of service?
GLORIA: He chews all my food for me because of my colitis.
REP: Like a penguin?
GLORIA: Like a penguin!
REP: (shudders) Would anyone like to accept the offer so you can take off?

(Pilot exits the cockpit)

PILOT: How much is the offer?
REP: A $250 voucher and animal crackers.
PILOT: I’ll take it!
REP: Congratulations, sir!

(Pilot and Representative exit the plan.)

LOUDSPEAKER: Excuse me, ladies and gentleman, we are sorry to report that this flight will be delayed while we locate another pilot. We are offering a $300 flight voucher and a bag of Terra Blue chips to anyone willing to assume that responsibility.

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