Tag Archives: television

Nothing to See Here

27 Oct

(A reporter is out on the street doing a stand-up segment about a robbery that took place in a convenience store.)

REPORTER: Police are investigating a robbery that took place last night at this convenience store on Oak Street. The robber is described as a Caucasian male, 6’11’’,  wearing a grass skirt, a Kiss the Cook apron, a large and floppy sombrero, and quote “unmistakably distinctive” glasses. The police have asked that anyone who sees the suspect immediately call the Crimestoppers hotline. They added that the man is described as “totally unmissable” and “supremely recognizable.” Local residents say they are shocked by what happened here.

(Cut to the reporter interviewing a man on the street. He is a 6’11”  Caucasian male wearing a grass skirt, a Kiss the Cook apron, a large and floppy sombrero, and unmistakably distinctive glasses.)

REPORTER: You were there at the robbery last night?
MAN (panicked): What? What are you implying?
REPORTER: We just wanted your account of what happened here.
MAN (nervously): Oh. Oh. What makes you think I was here last night?
REPORTER: You told our producer you were.
MAN: Right, right. I was here. I said that and that is the story. That is definitely what happened. Thank you for the interview. (MAN begins to walk away.)
REPORTER: Wait, sir, you didn’t tell us anything yet.
MAN: Yeah, I was just in there and some stuff was robbed and it was totally crazy.
REPORTER: What do you mean, “totally crazy”?
MAN: Like, the whole thing was totally crazy. This is just a really nice neighborhood, I think. It looks like one. If I was going to rob something I’d probably rob this. But, I probably wouldn’t expect a robbery here? I live here, right?
REPORTER (quizzical): Sir, what did you say you witnessed at the robbery?
MAN: Oh, well, I mean there’s a lot of things that can drive a man to robbery. You know how hard it is to find work out there these days. Sometimes a guy just can’t catch a break. But the man doesn’t care. You ask for a little forgiveness, just a little more time, but the next day your water’s turned off and now you’ve got no place to shower. You have to walk around covered in dirt and sweat and then next thing you know everybody thinks you’re homeless. You try and try to say “No, I’m not homeless. I just don’t have running water at my place but I just paid the bill and they’re in the process of turning it back on as we speak.” But nobody wants to hear it and your landlord thinks some homeless guy is breaking into your apartment, and he changes the lock and calls the police. So now you’re trying and trying to get in your front door and the fuzz comes running from out from nowhere. Now, you haven’t done anything wrong but you start running and running because instinct just kicks in in a situation like that and you ran track in high school so you’re still pretty quick on your feet but it’s been a while since you actually got out there for a jog and a diet of instant ramen and pizza hasn’t been gentle on your stamina so you get kind of winded and all you want is a water so you pull into a convenience store and you try to pay for it but the attendant at the counter is apathetic and foreign and the language barrier is really hindering the transaction and all the while the cops are hot on your tail so you just grab the water and go and in hindsight stealing something is a terrible way to try and persuade the law of your innocence but you never know how you’re going to react in a situation like that and I’m not trying to tell you a sob story to try and get you to let me off easy because I’m guilty and I deserve whatever punishment you want to give me, but please, your honor, my story is completely truthful and I’m begging for your forgiveness. (MAN sobs.)
REPORTER: Sir, what are you trying to say?
MAN: (Sobbing intensifies.)
REPORTER: Well, this robbery is certainly taking a dramatic toll on the emotions of local residents. Until the police can locate the suspect they’re searching for, this community can only keep their eyes pealed and hope for the best. Back to you in the studio.



French Prince of Bel-Air

5 Aug

In West Paris, born and raised.
In the coffee shop is where I spent most of my days
Writing sad poetry every single day
And smoking tiny cigarettes outside my lycée
When a couple of guys wearing tiny berets
Started making trouble near my chalet
I got in one little fight and my mom said no.
She said ‘You’re moving with your auntie and  your uncle in Bordeaux’.

I grew a tiny mustache that was pencil thin
and packed smelly cheeses inside of a tin.
I’m sure that I stunk like Pepé le Pew.
But who cares how I smell – what’s it to you?

I pulled up to the maison about 7 or 8.
It doesn’t matter when, because I’m generally late.
I said to myself, “C’est la vie, au contraire.”
Time to sit on my throne as the French Prince of Bel Air.


You Say Apathy Like it’s a Bad Thing

9 Feb

Sadly, Nickelodeon is reporting big losses this quarter. They have attributed this to a lack of fresh new TV show ideas being made available and it’s true: most of them stink. But luckily, I have an idea to save the industry.

Every single Disney or Nick show has the exact same main character: A perky, likable girl and her close-knit friends who often stand up for each other, who do something together while battling bullies and other teenager things. (Alcohol and teen pregnancies are usually two subjects avoided in this market.)

Clearly, that model isn’t working. That’s why my new character is the least interesting person in the world. A teenage boy, Chuck, with oppressive acne goes to school and hangs out with his teenage friends Paxton, Angus, and Leroy who frequently ridicule each other. He usually goes home afterwards and plays video games, all while maintaining an acerbic relationship with his parents. Here’s a sneak preview.

(Chuck is sitting at home playing video games. The doorbell rings and he goes to get it, only after hearing it play six times. He walks downstairs, delicately fingering a yellow zit on his jaw. He opens the door to find a mailman struggling beneath a large package. Please, keep your mind out of the gutter.)

MAILMAN: One package for Chuck Thrushberry.

CHUCK: Harumph.

(Bending over to pick up the box, Chuck accidentally lifts the mailman. After noticing that the object he has picked up is not cardboard, he sets the postal worker down roughly.)

MAILMAN: Have a nice day!

CHUCK: Don’t tell me what to do.

(After closing the door, Chuck meanders back into the kitchen, where he opens his box. After searching for a box cutter but coming up fruitless, he pulls out a dirty spoon instead. The box is quickly covered in soggy cereal and hours-old milk, but has opened. Chuck reaches in to pull out a large bag of cupcake mix. Though he may come off simple, Chuck does have a secret affinity for the culinary arts. Conveniently, almost as if it were scripted, Mrs. Thrushberry appears, still unaware of her son’s talents with a cake mold.)

MRS. THRUSHBERRY: Aren’t you a little old to be making cupcakes, Chuck?

CHUCK: Aren’t you a little old to be in a onesie?

(Having only seen her face, the audience now learns Mrs. Thrushberry is in fact wearing a onesie, and she quickly leaves the room with no explanation. Turning away, Chuck’s fingers once again return to the yellow zit. Chuck pulls away quickly, remembering that if he coddles his zits, they may never be able to live on their own, and once again hikes upstairs for more video games.)

All You Need is Love! And Murder. And Betrayal.

12 Jan

Obviously, I haven’t found the time to update my blog in the last couple days. However, I did find the time to notice One Life to Live was ending after a half-century. In this economy, job security like that can only be dreamt of, so I’ve decided to write my own soap opera. Passion’s Destiny, as it will be called, will bring certain elements from Hispanic soaps, as well as a very dramatic medical motif. Based in the rainy city of Cape Gertrude, Passion’s Destiny  is a “sweeping odyssey of drama, passion, and destiny.” (That’s not a review or anything, using quotes just looks better.)

(In a completely original storyline, Royce and Daffodil are canoodling, and in doing so, are blatantly disobeying their parents. Daffodil leans in for a tender kiss, but Royce shies away.)

ROYCE: No, we can’t.

DAFFODIL: Why not?

ROYCE: My lips are so chapped.

DAFFODIL: That’s horrible.

(Camera turns to a lavish apartment in the up-scale north of Cape Gertrude. Standing next to an ornate mantle is Lola, an elderly women approaching her centennial, but her plastic surgery makes her look no older than 67. However, her plastic surgeon sneezed during the breast augmentation, so one is roughly two inches higher up than the other.)

LOLA (on the telephone): It happened? … No! … They’ll find the secret. … I’ll be right over!

(Faster than a GOP candidate can say fiscal responsibility, Lola throws on a jacket, jacket being used loosely since she’s essentially just wearing a wolf pelt. She calls Basil, her driver, Rumaki, her hairless cat, and Whiskers, her personal chef, and they all climb into the Bentley. Unfortunately, there was a mix-up while entering the vehicle and Rumaki ended up behind the wheel. Needless to say, the gang easily found a parking spot up a telephone pole.)

(Camera finds itself in a hospital room. A fat Italian baker, Tortellini Frederico,is settled on the table, with powdered sugar in his mustache and pain in his eyes. Frederico is actually a mob boss, but chose a bakery as his money laundering location because of his passionate love of cannolis. Beside him is Dr. Austin Calhoun, a man far too handsome to have passed a cutthroat organic chemistry class at the university on his degree. He is consulting a clipboard, but has forgotten the charts, and is furrowing his brow to keep up appearances.)

CALHOUN (to nurse): This man’s gonna need sixty cc’s of colonoscopy, nurse.

FREDERICO: Whats-a wrong-a with me-a?

CALHOUN: Sir, I’ve just diagnosed you with sensitive nipples. Luckily, you’ll be okay.

(Dr. Calhoun could not have been more incorrect at that time. Tortellini was actually suffering from  sfogliatelle-induced heart failure, and had already expired by the time Calhoun made his diagnosis. Calhoun, in customary practice, wrote “natural causes” on the death certificate and went home. Sadly, he missed the two hit men hired by Frederico in his will, now out to get him. Cut to commercial with Calhoun considering offering medical assistance to a wealthy woman and her friends who have just been in an accident, but instead deciding that his appointment with the stylist is far more important.)

Where’s the “Real” in Reality TV?

7 Dec

I get it. You’re unhappy with your life. But with all the alcohol, drugs, and antidepressants out there, why is watching other people drive their life into the ground the best way to make you feel better? Why isn’t my health teacher explaining the dangers of reality television? Where is the Ad Council campaign against reality TV? I want to know.

Before you people start sending me angry letters about how I’m ragging on the only thing that keeps you going, let’s get this straight: I don’t hate all reality television. Game shows, The Amazing Race, they’re all fine. It’s only the ones that legitimately destroy brain cells that I dislike.

Last night, I watched the show Queen Bees. Surprisingly enough, this isn’t a Discovery documentary, but a poorly-made program in which mean teenage girls live in a house together. The girls were casted based on their nastiness, but earn “stars” when they do good deeds in the house. These “stars” can be used to buy phone calls, nice lunches, and other things. In short, it’s like prison. You can’t see it, but these stars are definitely being used to buy cigarettes off camera. Also, who names the contestants? It’s like their parents opened up The Trampy Baby Name Book, played eenie-meenie-minie-mo, and welcomed their beautiful baby Gisbelle into the world. They’re not a Disney princess, they’re a real human, and need a real human name to match.

Keeping with a similar theme, there’s Kim Kardashian. Kim-K got her start in the earliest form of reality TV, then decided to bring her talents into other media worlds, such as those in which people wear clothes. Solidifying her coveted status as the world’s worst role model, she recently divorced her husband after 72 days, which is shorter than:

  • the trial period on a Snuggie
  • how long the girls on Teen Mom had to stick with their poor decisions
  • the length of time in which the Obama Chia pet was on the market

And yet, her TV show earns her millions of dollars. Despicable.

So, media moguls, here are my ideas for entertaining, informative reality shows, that will hopefully de-stupid America:

Ralph: The story of a man who lost his job, fed his family through frugal spending, then found another steady job with patience and determination.

15 and Stressed: One girl faces boys, grades, and parents with grace and confidence.

The Blog Master: A freshman in high school updates his blog several times a week to mixed reviews and moderate success.

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