Tag Archives: gop candidate

Hi, I’m Mitt Romney. Prepare to Be Charmed.

16 Apr

INTERVIEWER: Well Mitt, this isn’t your first rodeo. You’ve obviously been a candidate many times before; do you think your opinions have wavered?

MITT: Well, if there’s one thing I’m sure about, it’s that America’s got a candidate it can finally relate too. Look at that: I said “got” instead of “has”. How hip and relatable! I’ve got some bright ideas that’ll really wow the voters – but not too much. A moderate degree of wowing can be expected.

INTERVIEWER: Some voters say you’re too rich to be president. Your response?

MITT: I’m comfortable economically. I don’t have to worry about my next paycheck. In fact, I’m unemployed! I understand how Americans feel. Some nights, I’ll sit in front of the fire with my sons, drink some hot cocoa, and talk about the dollar’s fluctuations and foreign energy, and it all feels very real to me.

INTERVIEWER: Are you at all nervous about opposing Barack Obama this year in a general election?

MITT: All I can say is, it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there. And Mitt Romney sure can bark!  Figuratively, of course. I’m clearly not a dog. Anyways, I’m prepared to counter Obama with my sharp wit, firmness on the key issues, and connection to the youth of America. Obama can play basketball, but can he play Romneyball? Again, another joke.

INTERVIEWER: What’s your opinion on the recent portrayals of you on SNL?

MITT: Over the years, I’ve learned not to trust my sense of humor. But according to my staff, I think it’s “funny, but a little biased.” Heck, I can’t even stay up for that show. I just think it’s fantastic that people can say what they want to, satirize their favorite presidential candidate, and it’s called culture! God bless America…

Mitt Romney’s Hair Speaks Out

25 Jan

Dear Mitt,

Most would consider me the luckiest head of hair alive. I am honored to have served for so many years as Mitt Romney’s signature, unwavering fashion statement, and I believe I’ve done the job well. Unfortunately, my current position is not offering me the creative freedom I need in a job, and I’m considering retirement. I am certainly not the kind of hair that can just wake up every day and be sprayed and combed the exact same way! That’s not me!

Perhaps this is best for both of us. Maybe what the Romney 2012 campaign needs is a fresh new do. But, without a serious change I don’t think I can stick around much longer. While you’re content to just have me wrapped up in the same salt ‘n’ pepper coif every day, that’s not how I roll. Mitt Romney’s hair needs to breathe a little. Please give this letter the consideration it deserves. I doubt Restore Our Future is a huge fan of toupees.

Spitefully yours,

Your Hair

A DIY Primary Victory Speech

21 Jan

As if everything presidential primary nominees say isn’t written for them, I’ve decided to make this fill-in-the-blank victory speech and sell it to nominees for ridiculous prices. The best things in life aren’t free.

“Good [time of day]! We really did it today! Thanks so much to my campaign staff, my family, and most importantly, the great people of [state]! It is my honest opinion that the biggest threat to America today is [current president], and I will not stop until [current president] stops bringing this country down with him! We can beat him! Now, as we look towards [state], [state], and eventually [state], we need to keep working! This is our chance! We can change America for the better! With [domestic problem], [international problem], and threats from [hostile country] challenging our lifestyles every day, we need a president like [speaker]! We can do it everybody! [Speaker] for president, [year]!”

All You Need is Love! And Murder. And Betrayal.

12 Jan

Obviously, I haven’t found the time to update my blog in the last couple days. However, I did find the time to notice One Life to Live was ending after a half-century. In this economy, job security like that can only be dreamt of, so I’ve decided to write my own soap opera. Passion’s Destiny, as it will be called, will bring certain elements from Hispanic soaps, as well as a very dramatic medical motif. Based in the rainy city of Cape Gertrude, Passion’s Destiny  is a “sweeping odyssey of drama, passion, and destiny.” (That’s not a review or anything, using quotes just looks better.)

(In a completely original storyline, Royce and Daffodil are canoodling, and in doing so, are blatantly disobeying their parents. Daffodil leans in for a tender kiss, but Royce shies away.)

ROYCE: No, we can’t.

DAFFODIL: Why not?

ROYCE: My lips are so chapped.

DAFFODIL: That’s horrible.

(Camera turns to a lavish apartment in the up-scale north of Cape Gertrude. Standing next to an ornate mantle is Lola, an elderly women approaching her centennial, but her plastic surgery makes her look no older than 67. However, her plastic surgeon sneezed during the breast augmentation, so one is roughly two inches higher up than the other.)

LOLA (on the telephone): It happened? … No! … They’ll find the secret. … I’ll be right over!

(Faster than a GOP candidate can say fiscal responsibility, Lola throws on a jacket, jacket being used loosely since she’s essentially just wearing a wolf pelt. She calls Basil, her driver, Rumaki, her hairless cat, and Whiskers, her personal chef, and they all climb into the Bentley. Unfortunately, there was a mix-up while entering the vehicle and Rumaki ended up behind the wheel. Needless to say, the gang easily found a parking spot up a telephone pole.)

(Camera finds itself in a hospital room. A fat Italian baker, Tortellini Frederico,is settled on the table, with powdered sugar in his mustache and pain in his eyes. Frederico is actually a mob boss, but chose a bakery as his money laundering location because of his passionate love of cannolis. Beside him is Dr. Austin Calhoun, a man far too handsome to have passed a cutthroat organic chemistry class at the university on his degree. He is consulting a clipboard, but has forgotten the charts, and is furrowing his brow to keep up appearances.)

CALHOUN (to nurse): This man’s gonna need sixty cc’s of colonoscopy, nurse.

FREDERICO: Whats-a wrong-a with me-a?

CALHOUN: Sir, I’ve just diagnosed you with sensitive nipples. Luckily, you’ll be okay.

(Dr. Calhoun could not have been more incorrect at that time. Tortellini was actually suffering from  sfogliatelle-induced heart failure, and had already expired by the time Calhoun made his diagnosis. Calhoun, in customary practice, wrote “natural causes” on the death certificate and went home. Sadly, he missed the two hit men hired by Frederico in his will, now out to get him. Cut to commercial with Calhoun considering offering medical assistance to a wealthy woman and her friends who have just been in an accident, but instead deciding that his appointment with the stylist is far more important.)

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