Tag Archives: president

Mitt Romney on a Sunday Afternoon

22 May

Last week, Mitt Romney held an exclusive brunch at one of the homes in our town. Obviously, the best way for Mitt to avoid my ridicule is to show up at an intimate social setting in the largest mansion in town. So, without further ado, some choice sound bites from the campaign brunch on Sunday.

“America is a land of hard workers. The people are ready to go find a job, but Barack Obama is preventing them. We need someone in-touch with the everyman, someone who gets people like this waiter! While I have your attention, Pablo, I think we ran out of smoked salmon. Oh, and ease up on the caviar. Prices are soaring since belugas went on the endangered species list.”

“I’m sick of the way airlines get special tax exemptions. I try to boycott their businesses because of the way they abuse the consumer. That’s why I always fly charter.”

“Oh, you’re from Mexico? My father was born there. Don’t you just love Acapulco in May? Hello? Hablas inglés? Where is your green card?”

“The American textiles industry has a lot of growth potential. In fact, it could be one of the biggest job producers. My sweater? Oh, this is hand-made Peruvian cashmere. Please don’t touch it.”

Hi, I’m Mitt Romney. Prepare to Be Charmed.

16 Apr

INTERVIEWER: Well Mitt, this isn’t your first rodeo. You’ve obviously been a candidate many times before; do you think your opinions have wavered?

MITT: Well, if there’s one thing I’m sure about, it’s that America’s got a candidate it can finally relate too. Look at that: I said “got” instead of “has”. How hip and relatable! I’ve got some bright ideas that’ll really wow the voters – but not too much. A moderate degree of wowing can be expected.

INTERVIEWER: Some voters say you’re too rich to be president. Your response?

MITT: I’m comfortable economically. I don’t have to worry about my next paycheck. In fact, I’m unemployed! I understand how Americans feel. Some nights, I’ll sit in front of the fire with my sons, drink some hot cocoa, and talk about the dollar’s fluctuations and foreign energy, and it all feels very real to me.

INTERVIEWER: Are you at all nervous about opposing Barack Obama this year in a general election?

MITT: All I can say is, it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there. And Mitt Romney sure can bark!  Figuratively, of course. I’m clearly not a dog. Anyways, I’m prepared to counter Obama with my sharp wit, firmness on the key issues, and connection to the youth of America. Obama can play basketball, but can he play Romneyball? Again, another joke.

INTERVIEWER: What’s your opinion on the recent portrayals of you on SNL?

MITT: Over the years, I’ve learned not to trust my sense of humor. But according to my staff, I think it’s “funny, but a little biased.” Heck, I can’t even stay up for that show. I just think it’s fantastic that people can say what they want to, satirize their favorite presidential candidate, and it’s called culture! God bless America…

Newt’s 2013 White House Halloween Party

16 Mar

NEWT: Hello, and welcome to the 2013 White House Halloween party. Thanks so much to my fourth wife, Shawna, for planning this wonderful event. I’m sure you can see, I’m dressed as one of the America’s greatest leaders, Ronald Reagan. In this new presidency, I think it would be nice to pay homage to the man, the myth, and the legend with this little get-together, as we bring Ronald Reagan conservatism back to America!  Now, if you kids want to start trick-or-treating, we have jelly beans all over the room.

(Talking with a congressman)

NEWT: …with abortions, I guess I’m against them. But hey, what if that little fetus is the next Great Communicator? I don’t think I can be the judge of that!

(With the commander of NASA)

NEWT: The moon colony’s gonna need a fresh new motif, and I’ve got an idea: every flight is named for a different Ronald Reagan movie. And the main base – we’ll call it the Gipper!

(Two staff members are chatting in the corner.)

STAFF 1: You seen Newt? I just saw him with the senator a second ago.

STAFF 2: Yeah, I think he’s out with his “female friend”. But don’t worry: it’s only impeachable if you’re a Democrat.

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