Tag Archives: gingrich

Today’s Random Thought

19 Mar

Exit Poll: 70% of voters hoping to keep Santorum in the race are comedy writers.

Newt’s 2013 White House Halloween Party

16 Mar

NEWT: Hello, and welcome to the 2013 White House Halloween party. Thanks so much to my fourth wife, Shawna, for planning this wonderful event. I’m sure you can see, I’m dressed as one of the America’s greatest leaders, Ronald Reagan. In this new presidency, I think it would be nice to pay homage to the man, the myth, and the legend with this little get-together, as we bring Ronald Reagan conservatism back to America! ┬áNow, if you kids want to start trick-or-treating, we have jelly beans all over the room.

(Talking with a congressman)

NEWT: …with abortions, I guess I’m against them. But hey, what if that little fetus is the next Great Communicator? I don’t think I can be the judge of that!

(With the commander of NASA)

NEWT: The moon colony’s gonna need a fresh new motif, and I’ve got an idea: every flight is named for a different Ronald Reagan movie. And the main base – we’ll call it the Gipper!

(Two staff members are chatting in the corner.)

STAFF 1: You seen Newt? I just saw him with the senator a second ago.

STAFF 2: Yeah, I think he’s out with his “female friend”. But don’t worry: it’s only impeachable if you’re a Democrat.

Newt Gingrich’s Epic Blunder

18 Feb

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JACKSON (Lighter Side of the Moon) –

While campaigning in Jackson, Mississippi this week, Newt Gingrich angered many black supporters after calling on them to “cast their three-fifths of a vote” for him.

This comment has been a major blow to the Gingrich campaign, and his popularity in polls has waned severely among many key demographics. Many Mississippi voters say this gaffe will cost Gingrich their vote.

Caroline Jones, 34, was in attendance at the rally. “I already knew Newt was an extreme racist, I mean, how can you not, but this really just put it front and center.”

A Gingrich spokesperson said at a press conference that Newt was unaware of his mistake while onstage, but after his speech quickly realized his error.

“He didn’t really know what the Thirteenth Amendment was, but after his staff explained it, Newt felt incredibly apologetic,” added the spokesperson.

Gingrich has not made an official announcement since the speech, but he is rumored to be choosing a woman of color as his next mistress, to prove he is accepting of all people. The Gingrich campaign would not answer calls to confirm this.

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