Where’s the “Real” in Reality TV?

7 Dec

I get it. You’re unhappy with your life. But with all the alcohol, drugs, and antidepressants out there, why is watching other people drive their life into the ground the best way to make you feel better? Why isn’t my health teacher explaining the dangers of reality television? Where is the Ad Council campaign against reality TV? I want to know.

Before you people start sending me angry letters about how I’m ragging on the only thing that keeps you going, let’s get this straight: I don’t hate all reality television. Game shows, The Amazing Race, they’re all fine. It’s only the ones that legitimately destroy brain cells that I dislike.

Last night, I watched the show Queen Bees. Surprisingly enough, this isn’t a Discovery documentary, but a poorly-made program in which mean teenage girls live in a house together. The girls were casted based on their nastiness, but earn “stars” when they do good deeds in the house. These “stars” can be used to buy phone calls, nice lunches, and other things. In short, it’s like prison. You can’t see it, but these stars are definitely being used to buy cigarettes off camera. Also, who names the contestants? It’s like their parents opened up The Trampy Baby Name Book, played eenie-meenie-minie-mo, and welcomed their beautiful baby Gisbelle into the world. They’re not a Disney princess, they’re a real human, and need a real human name to match.

Keeping with a similar theme, there’s Kim Kardashian. Kim-K got her start in the earliest form of reality TV, then decided to bring her talents into other media worlds, such as those in which people wear clothes. Solidifying her coveted status as the world’s worst role model, she recently divorced her husband after 72 days, which is shorter than:

  • the trial period on a Snuggie
  • how long the girls on Teen Mom had to stick with their poor decisions
  • the length of time in which the Obama Chia pet was on the market

And yet, her TV show earns her millions of dollars. Despicable.

So, media moguls, here are my ideas for entertaining, informative reality shows, that will hopefully de-stupid America:

Ralph: The story of a man who lost his job, fed his family through frugal spending, then found another steady job with patience and determination.

15 and Stressed: One girl faces boys, grades, and parents with grace and confidence.

The Blog Master: A freshman in high school updates his blog several times a week to mixed reviews and moderate success.

4 Responses to “Where’s the “Real” in Reality TV?”

  1. Rob Rubin December 7, 2011 at 3:26 pm #

    So are you suggesting that reality TV actually focus on real life? Maybe a show called The Cube where for 30 minutes we get to watch disgruntled IT workers complain about having to work with an offshore Indian team while cringing every time the phone rings for tech support. Wait, I don’t need a show for that, I’ve got the live version right here!

    Rob, The Mainland

    • wizardofsoz December 7, 2011 at 3:30 pm #

      Very funny! I only want reality shows that are less harmful to your mental capacities.

  2. Thag December 7, 2011 at 3:41 pm #

    In this week’s episode of Morning Routine, the children must compete for the coveted Dressed, Breakfasted and Packed for School Award.

  3. KoolKid92 December 8, 2011 at 8:53 pm #

    Where do you come up with these things?

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