Tag Archives: health

Doctors Hate This: The ONE Weird Diet Trick You Can’t Afford to Miss

4 Feb

You. Yes, you. Are you looking to change your life? Is the food you’re eating keeping you healthy, spry, and full of vigor? But are you having fun? Are you looking to poison your body and mind with the food you eat, but have a great time while doing it? Then we have a diet for you.

Introducing the gluten-only diet. Carbs and starches 24/7. We’re talking artisan breads, luxurious pastas, and luxurious artisan breads. If that sounds delicious and uncomfortable, you’re right. Let’s walk you through it.

Breakfast, that’s easy. Two Pop-tarts, straight out of the microwave. But remember, this is the gluten only diet. Go ahead and scrape off that strawberry frosting. Siphon out the jelly filling with a syringe or small vacuum . Feel good yet?

For lunch, head on over to the altar of gluten, the cathedral of carbohydrates, Panera Breads. Grab yourself some clam chowder in a breadbowl. Then dump the clam chowder in a trashcan. Order a second empty breadbowl. Savor it. Enjoy yourself.

If you’re hungry, the gluten-only movement offers many great snack choices. Couscous, spätzle, matzoh. If you’re thirsty, have a beer or some soda, boiled down to just the syrup. Your mouth should feel dry and starchy, if you’re doing it right.

Dinner is the easiest meal of the day. Four words: Olive Garden unlimited breadsticks.

If you’re appetized by now, that’s normal. But know that the gluten-only movement isn’t all peaches and cream. In fact, peaches and cream are completely forbidden. You may gain 30 pounds in a week. You may go months without a bowel movement. Your body may be as doughy as the foods you’re eating.

This diet will test your willpower. A waiter might say “Do you want a side salad with that plain pasta?” to which you’ll reply: “No. I only eat gluten.” Your body will scream for a single baby carrot. Your belly will beg for roughage. But you can’t spell gluten-only without willpower.

Support is the bread and butter of any successful diet. With us, it’s just the bread. Our official gluten-only community, Flour Power, will be there for you every step of the way. Share wheat-based recipes, debate the pros and cons of spaghetti and linguine, and find solace in the company of others who eschew the devil of gluten from their lives.

Only gluten. Only happiness. www.breadheads.com

Out to Lunch

14 Jul

“(Name Redacted), 9, had lunch at the White House with First Lady Michelle Obama on Tuesday as the Connecticut winner of the First Lady’s 2013 Healthy Lunchtime Challenge.

(Redacted) won with his recipe for quinoa risotto with shrimp and kale.”

–  New Canaan News

Quinoa Risotto with Shrimp and Kale
A Recipe by (Name Redacted), age 9.

1. Decide to win Healthy Lunchtime Challenge with a dish nobody has time to make for lunch.
2. Look for ingredients in pantry. Discover there is nothing in pantry labeled “risotto”.
3. Call Mom for help.
4. Watch cartoons for three hours. Risotto is ready.
5. Let cool before going to White House.

P.S. In other news, I am off to camp for a few weeks. Posts will be very few and far between in that period. Enjoy your summer.

Fitter on Twitter

16 Mar

Tim @FitnessTim

Fitness goal for spring: Bench 500. Set it, then get it. #gothedistance #beabeast #fitnessgod

Tim @FitnessTim

Lifted 440 today! Almost there. #superstrong #massivebiceps #massivetriceps #iamhuge

Tim @FitnessTim

Collapsed after 455. #nobigdeal #butitisabigdeal #911 #pleasehelp

Tim @FitnessTim

Fitness goal for today: Have a bowel movement. #hospitalliving #stillhuge #hospitalizedfitnessgod

Tim @FitnessTim

Fitness goal for today: Stand up again. #slightlylesshuge #nursecomehelpme

Tim @FitnessTim

@Nurse Help, I’ve fallen and can’t get up! #nojoke #massivemuscles #floorboundmuscleman

Lose 15 Pounds, No Eating Required!

14 Dec

Millions of American women subscribe to a women’s health or beauty magazine. While the tips these periodicals offer can do wonders for your growing crows feet, or help you lose those last few inches by Christmas, they’re doing more harm than good when it comes to marriages. Don’t believe me, read this dialogue:

(Rod and Calvin are two middle-aged men on a pheasant-hunting trip. Rod is driving, and both have wives at home. Rod alerts Calvin as they cross the Kansas-South Dakota border. Calvin hurriedly checks the map as they remember there is no Kansas-South Dakota border. Rod is picking the M&M’s out of a store-bought trail mix.)

ROD: (firmly) I’ll tell you Cal, Nancy’s off her rocker. Just last week, I saw her rubbing honey on her forehead. Something about wrinkles.

CALVIN: (with curiosity) Yeah, Janet does the same thing. I tried to ask her about it, and she said something about “feeling old today.”

ROD:  (with gusto) Are you never making her feel special? Nancy pulls that crap on me all the time. It’s ridiculous.

CALVIN: (angrily) I’m just getting started. My boy, Kenneth, he came in from the snow. Janet thought his skin looked dry, so she made him hold pieces of bologna on his cheeks.

(Calvin flips on the radio, and settles on WJCR, a radio station based out of Omaha. He smiles as he recognizes his favorite broadcast, Mustangs, Chargers and Jesus: The Mid-West’s #1 Christian Car Show.)

ROD (lacking enthusiasm): Tell me about it. So I was putting up some Venetian blinds for Nancy, and I busted my back. For a whole week she made me bathe in a tub filled with corn flour. I was breaded like a chicken cutlet.

CALVIN (irritated): Where in the hell are they finding these tips? I swear, next time she makes us quinoa for dinner, I’m getting up. I don’t care if the “Mind and Body” column called  it a miracle grain, I want pork chops.

ROD (inquisitively): Speaking of which, you hungry? There’s a saloon off the next exit.

CALVIN (sassily): No, not there. I hear they cook the riboflavin right out of their arugula salad.

(Curtains fall as Rod tells Calvin how his daily foot soak really lowers his stress level.)

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