Tag Archives: women

Facebook for Moms

14 Nov

Facebook shares soared 15% Wednesday on blowout quarterly results — but the stock lost steam after the company admitted young teens are losing interest in the site. – CNN Money

With Facebook usage declining among young people, the company is introducing several changes targeted towards its older user base. Last week, the company introduced an entirely new version of the website with demographic-specific features: Facebook for Moms.

New features include:

Automated comments – Just press the automated comment button and you’ll get a customized comment from the phrases moms use most:

    • “blessed”
    • “wow”
    • “love you”
    • “lots of love”
    • “love you lots”
    • “so grown up”

SAMPLE: Wow!!!! So grown up! Love you lots! 

Easy Exclamation Points – Busy moms don’t have time to add all of those unnecessary exclamation points to their posts and comments. Now, just type one and we’ll add three extra automatically.

Smart Captioning – Post a picture and Facebook will automatically caption it with the child and vacation spot in this picture. You can turn this feature off, but we know you’re not posting anything but pictures of your kids on vacation.

Unlimited Game Updates – Your friends deeply, deeply care about your Candy Crush Saga progress. With this new feature, you can share your scores every two seconds.

Pinterest Compatibility – Facebook will automatically comment “Wow!! So beautiful!!!” on any pinboards titled “Dream Wedding”, “Home Decorating Ideas”, or “Desserts to Try”.

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Lose 15 Pounds, No Eating Required!

14 Dec

Millions of American women subscribe to a women’s health or beauty magazine. While the tips these periodicals offer can do wonders for your growing crows feet, or help you lose those last few inches by Christmas, they’re doing more harm than good when it comes to marriages. Don’t believe me, read this dialogue:

(Rod and Calvin are two middle-aged men on a pheasant-hunting trip. Rod is driving, and both have wives at home. Rod alerts Calvin as they cross the Kansas-South Dakota border. Calvin hurriedly checks the map as they remember there is no Kansas-South Dakota border. Rod is picking the M&M’s out of a store-bought trail mix.)

ROD: (firmly) I’ll tell you Cal, Nancy’s off her rocker. Just last week, I saw her rubbing honey on her forehead. Something about wrinkles.

CALVIN: (with curiosity) Yeah, Janet does the same thing. I tried to ask her about it, and she said something about “feeling old today.”

ROD:  (with gusto) Are you never making her feel special? Nancy pulls that crap on me all the time. It’s ridiculous.

CALVIN: (angrily) I’m just getting started. My boy, Kenneth, he came in from the snow. Janet thought his skin looked dry, so she made him hold pieces of bologna on his cheeks.

(Calvin flips on the radio, and settles on WJCR, a radio station based out of Omaha. He smiles as he recognizes his favorite broadcast, Mustangs, Chargers and Jesus: The Mid-West’s #1 Christian Car Show.)

ROD (lacking enthusiasm): Tell me about it. So I was putting up some Venetian blinds for Nancy, and I busted my back. For a whole week she made me bathe in a tub filled with corn flour. I was breaded like a chicken cutlet.

CALVIN (irritated): Where in the hell are they finding these tips? I swear, next time she makes us quinoa for dinner, I’m getting up. I don’t care if the “Mind and Body” column called  it a miracle grain, I want pork chops.

ROD (inquisitively): Speaking of which, you hungry? There’s a saloon off the next exit.

CALVIN (sassily): No, not there. I hear they cook the riboflavin right out of their arugula salad.

(Curtains fall as Rod tells Calvin how his daily foot soak really lowers his stress level.)

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