Lose 15 Pounds, No Eating Required!

14 Dec

Millions of American women subscribe to a women’s health or beauty magazine. While the tips these periodicals offer can do wonders for your growing crows feet, or help you lose those last few inches by Christmas, they’re doing more harm than good when it comes to marriages. Don’t believe me, read this dialogue:

(Rod and Calvin are two middle-aged men on a pheasant-hunting trip. Rod is driving, and both have wives at home. Rod alerts Calvin as they cross the Kansas-South Dakota border. Calvin hurriedly checks the map as they remember there is no Kansas-South Dakota border. Rod is picking the M&M’s out of a store-bought trail mix.)

ROD: (firmly) I’ll tell you Cal, Nancy’s off her rocker. Just last week, I saw her rubbing honey on her forehead. Something about wrinkles.

CALVIN: (with curiosity) Yeah, Janet does the same thing. I tried to ask her about it, and she said something about “feeling old today.”

ROD:  (with gusto) Are you never making her feel special? Nancy pulls that crap on me all the time. It’s ridiculous.

CALVIN: (angrily) I’m just getting started. My boy, Kenneth, he came in from the snow. Janet thought his skin looked dry, so she made him hold pieces of bologna on his cheeks.

(Calvin flips on the radio, and settles on WJCR, a radio station based out of Omaha. He smiles as he recognizes his favorite broadcast, Mustangs, Chargers and Jesus: The Mid-West’s #1 Christian Car Show.)

ROD (lacking enthusiasm): Tell me about it. So I was putting up some Venetian blinds for Nancy, and I busted my back. For a whole week she made me bathe in a tub filled with corn flour. I was breaded like a chicken cutlet.

CALVIN (irritated): Where in the hell are they finding these tips? I swear, next time she makes us quinoa for dinner, I’m getting up. I don’t care if the “Mind and Body” column called  it a miracle grain, I want pork chops.

ROD (inquisitively): Speaking of which, you hungry? There’s a saloon off the next exit.

CALVIN (sassily): No, not there. I hear they cook the riboflavin right out of their arugula salad.

(Curtains fall as Rod tells Calvin how his daily foot soak really lowers his stress level.)

2 Responses to “Lose 15 Pounds, No Eating Required!”

  1. Kaitlin December 14, 2011 at 11:44 pm #

    Lol. That’s how I feel about it most days. I read them, but not for anything heavier than sitting on the beach feeling pretentious. ^^

  2. Barry Sosnick December 15, 2011 at 6:50 am #

    It really is a great radio show. My 1967 Charger runs faster than a opossum in heat since the hosts suggested adjusting my car’s timing belt. Your blog does a public service pointing out great radio programing to your readers.

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