Tag Archives: rnc

DIY Convention Speech

5 Sep

Some of you may know, I am (state)’s first (elected office) of (ethnicity) descent. When my (distant ancestor) came to this great country, they believed in freedom. They worked day in, day out as a (profession), even with their chronic (joint) aches. They did everything in their power to make sure I got an education, and I want every child to have that same opportunity. Who is going to bring you that chance? (Nominee)! It has to be (nominee)! It’s in your hands! (Nominee’s opponent) wants to destroy the middle class, raise taxes, and (unspeakable atrocity)! This November, make the right choice!

Example:

Some of you may know, I am Wyoming’s first Director of Weights and Measures of Polynesian descent. When my Great Uncle came to this great country, he believed in freedom. He worked day in, day out as a goat slaughterer, even with his chronic neck aches. He did everything in his power to make sure I got an education, and I want every child to have that same opportunity. Who is going to bring you that chance? Romney! It has to be Romney! It’s in your hands! Obama wants to destroy the middle class, raise taxes, and assemble a slave army of your children to find and destroy the Ten Commandments! This November, make the right choice!

Buzz Aldrin to Romney: “I Walked There, Too!”

2 Sep

TAMPA (Lighter Side of the Moon) – Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon as part of the Apollo 11 mission, has released a press statement expressing his anger at not being mentioned during Mitt Romney’s nomination speech at the RNC.

During his speech, Romney exalted Aldrin’s partner in the mission, Neil Armstrong, calling him “the ideal American” and proclaiming “God bless Neil Armstrong”. Aldrin was never spoken of.

In his statement, Mr.¬†Aldrin was indignant at being snubbed from Mitt’s address. “I hope you realize my footprints are there, too,” he wrote. “It was the most unfortunate coin toss of my life, and you reopened old wounds,” Aldrin added.

Aldrin also mentioned another famous second-in-command: “The Republicans must have mentioned Joe Biden a hundred times over the course of the convention. How many moon rocks did he bring back?”

Mike Collins has yet to comment on the matter.

Today’s Random Thought

30 Aug

Who’s idea was it to put the RNC on at 10 pm EST? They booked the convention in a state full of old people.

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